need advice

All through my teenagers years, ive thought there was something wrong with me, but couldn't explain it, I couldn't put my finger on it. I was rebelling, self harming, not eating properly, and hardly had any proper stable relationships. I was overly sexual you could say, and never knew who I was, in fact, I would try my best to fit in with whoever, I would be who I was hanging out with for that time. I always felt alone and abandoned even with "friends", though when I done relationships and friendships back then, I would be emotionally distant, I was scared. My anger was extreme, I would regularly physically fight over tiny things, such as not getting my own way
As I grew older, it got worse. I got chucked out of school and then cut all my friends off and grew alone. The anger got worse, I would get extremely violent, have sex with randoms, binge eat or not eat at all, self harm regualy.
i was also sexually abused in my childhood and have had problems with my parents.

i got into a friendship with someone and probably the day I met her, got intensly attached. i became soo dependant on her, one minute i would love her, the next i would hate her, i would push her away, then beg for her to come back, i wanted to be with her 24/7 and that was that, in the end, i thought she left me, so i attempted suicide.

i attempted suicide alot. i also manipulate people, therapists, doctors and have a love hate relationship with them. its all or nothing. my therapist went on holiday, and i acted like a five year old when she left, crying, begging, nearly screaming, i was so scared of being abandoned and even thought about overdosing when she was away to make her feel guilty. I hated her for it, so much, I absolutely hated it and felt horrible and gross and it felt like she had abandoned me.
When she returned, I felt nothing but anger and hate. She was then half an hour late for my session - which resulted in extreme anger, running away, self harming, her finding me, then me screaming at her saying she was a ******* ***** etc. She didnt dare come near me, though I wish she didnt leave me right then - I hated her alot but I didnt want her to leave me. I got back and was so angry I felt out of control. I felt so abandoned and let down and wanted to die. I started kicking things etc.

I also hate ending sessions, it feels like im being abandoned and refuse to end them. She ends up leaving me crying etc.

I tend to play my doctor and mental health nurse off on eachother and have only just realised it.
There is a bunch of other stuff, but am tired.
I am now in late adolescent, between ages 17-19, is this normal? I feel emotionally like a five year old.

you are a very brave person.

you are talking about the issues you have, the things you do that do not serve you or do any good.

that is a terrific thing.

keep it up.

let the words out.

facing the truth will set you free from alot of the behaviors.

there is pain under there, causing you to act out in in these ways.

you are honoring yourself by releasing this stuff.

I admire your effort right now to better your understanding.

it is so courageous!

keep posting ... we are listening!

Peace and Love and Comfort,
nightbird


p.s. there is no normal, but there is recovering our true selves to have the life we truly want to live - I think so anyway. normal is for statistics, and methods to scientifically decide things. it's not human.

Nightbird is right, you're very brave and working hard to get healthy.

You might want to print out your post here and give it to the helpers you have been playing against each other, make it harder for yourself to continue to do that? Keep up the good work thinking about your actions and how things are going for you and what the results are, etc.

I'm sorry you have to hurt so much.