[Snap]

Has anybody here ever discovered a repressed memory? I learned about it in school a whole bunch, but never thought i could have one. Until one day i was driving near where my old school bus route used to be and all of a sudden i had vivid memories of being molested by an older boy on the bus. After i thought about it and shared it with my boyfriend, who was in the car, i just started balling. Thankfully my boyfriend was there, and he consoled me which made the inital shock a little easier.

Its still been pretty hard to deal with. I had a guy touch my butt in a small convience store the other day, which triggered memories, and set off a minor panic attack. Aside from the whole me being molested part the fact that i had a repressed memory was quite fascinating. I used to think Freud was just a creepy old perverted man, but having that in my subconscious makes sense to alot of the odd things ive done.

[radio_flyer]

The same thing happened to me. I was in therapy and the T said we needed to get to the "root" of your problem. Scratching my head and thinking what in the world does he mean, so I prayed because as far as I knew, nothing that awfully bad ever happened to me. So I prayed, and out of the blue the memory of being molested as a child in my neighbor's cellar surfaced. I also had memories of much older boys in the neighborhood messing with me. Although all of these memories are I guess you might say are "fragmented", as I don't have the full details of what they did to me, I just know "stuff" happened. Anyway, I was pretty mad about all of this memory surfacing. All I can say is I was not a happy camper.

I guess in several ways it was good to have these memories surface as it explained why I always felt so dirty, smelly, and slimy and was never comfortable sitting next to anyone as I knew they could smell me too. Odd thing about that is I am a very clean person and showered several times a day and changed my clothes often throughout the day and yet I always felt dirty. Just to mention a few of my "quirks" as an adult.

I am not so angry anymore about these memories surfacing. Maybe I've just accepted it. I do believe there is more to my childhood. I just don't believe in "digging" up the past as my first T believed. If more is to surface, I am sure it will, in due time. I have let too many "yesterdays" eat me up. I am now focusing on today and trying to see the "good" things each day offers us.

[multipixie9]

Snap,

Hi, yes I've had repressed memories that came back. Sometimes I've had "quirks" or behaviors that I felt were kind of weird and eventually something would come up into my mind connected to it. It was sort of good to understand myself better and sort of bad because it was connected with something bad that happened to me.

A lot of bad things happened to me as a child and I had NO power to protect or help myself. I had to survive life in unsafe places - including an unsafe family. The only way for me to do this was to put certain memories and feelings someplace besides my regular memory. I feel that is a blessing from God because I had no help and no trusted person who would have protected me, I was alone - on my own is what I mean. Reality is that I lived with spiritual, physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, ongoing abuse. So, anything that was a help to me to get through those awful years was something I'm now thankful for.

I hope you can get any help or healing you need. Memory comes back when you are able to bear it - as best I know. I hope things get better too.

Hugs,

Leslie

[Misplaced]

Snap,

I was relieved when I read your post as I can totally relate! I've always been somewhat cynical towards such references until I myself experienced this! I was compromised alot as a child and never really said much about it growing up as I just grew further and further away from my family. I've since moved out of state and had been doing quite well for myself until a while back I was visited by a family member who triggered some memories of the abuse. I was somewhat excited for him to come but once I saw him - I just flipped out in anger and sadness! Almost as if I'd had some degree of amnesia for all these years or something. This led to several similiar experience before I actually went to see a therapist and was diagnosed with PTSD. Another term I was very cynical about deeming it a 'copp out' diagnosis - but there is truth in it! You're right - it is fascinating to the mind! I still dont get it most days but I have since become a promoter of dealing with what lfe throws at you having experienced what happens when you dont! It's crazy to think how 'imobilizing' a memory can become!

Glad to know I'm not alone and even moreso ... know that you're not either!

[tampalama]

I have patches of my childhood where I have far fewer memories - very noticeable missing pieces. For about 20-25 years, I (and my mother and sister) have suspected there was some sort of sexual abuse somewhere in my childhood, based on personality traits, fears, dreams, and "sensory" memories, but I have never been able to remember the who or the when or the what. I was talking about it in therapy for awhile, but I was only becoming angrier and angrier that I couldn't remember something from my own life, so I stopped dealing with it.

I consider myself a pretty strong and stable person when it comes to dealing with things, so I don't know why my subconscious would continue to keep my own experiences from me. I would think that now that I'm an adult, and have an excellent therapist, I ought to be able to remember now, and it really irritates me that I can't.

[multipixie9]

it's an odd thing, but sometimes the harder we push, the less we are able to do.

honestly, i think you have enough input that you should proceed to help yourself with therapy.

my mind refused to yield things up sometimes for long periods of time even when there was other reliable input. i think i was so terrified that my mind did some very extensive protections and took a very long time to feel able to deal with actual true memory.

if you would validate the sensory input and other things i think it would help you and perhaps free the part of you that is so reluctant to return information. the need for help is the same whether something awful happened or something "relatively" minor happened your need for healing is the same.

speaking for myself, i had very violent sexual abuse and other abuse and i believed my abusers implicitly when they said they would kill me slowly if i ever told and i kept some things secret deeply inside me for over 50 years.

i hope you can find help and peace