just wanted to say bye to all. wish i could delete my profile but havent figured out how, or if its possible. i am just done with public venting, i feel like i am not wanted here and i feel like i have said too much.
L8ter

[wisewoman]

Cotton, I am sorry you feel the need to leave. I haven't gotten to know you. I hope you stay well and are safe and happy.

[Raynaadi]

what makes you think you are not wanted here? please reconsider your decision to leave. this is a great community!

rayna

[downsolong]

Hi candy,

I was just getting to know you, I hope you can come back soon if you think you have to leave for now. It occurs to me that it may be your illness telling you that it's too much and hostile here. I thought we were having an ok chat this morning and things seemed pretty good. I'll certainly miss ya.

In any case take care of yourself.

~ hugz~ Down

It was the stink of my cigs in the chat room wasn't it? Fess up

[Rebound]

I hope you change your mind cotton. I've enjoyed talking with you.

[sqrlb8]

aw c'mon, it's a room full of nutcases in the first place, except for the possibilities opened up by anonymity, and the subversion of time, who could stand it? Of course, I mean the barbed end of that for myself primarily, but there is still a point there, yes? You will hardly be the first to have hung in after being picked up and dusted off, almost a right of passage around here. Part of the magic, really. With so many people involved, so many topics available, and given that something in your life has you seeking alternative association/socialization, I bet if you gave it another shot, you'd find yourself to be more comfortable.

PS, as usual, when someone refers to some hideous post or faux pas extraordinaire, i have completely missed it. So as far as I know you have only ever made the sincere posts I know you for.

If I was an even bigger nut case, I would start to imagine that the orgy of bad behavior, profanity and rudeness starts and stops with my leaving and arriving.

Peace, CCL, hope to see ya round.

[_Fly]

CCL -- I don't know the backstory on this. I doubt that you're not wanted.

Could be your illness talking, as Down suggests. Could be that you had some business with a few people -- but that doesn't mean all of us share whatever negative stuff went on. Plz don't tar all of us with the same brush.

As first the Dems & now the GOP like to say - We have a big tent here.

(((((((((((Cotton Candy Locks)))))))))))

[Mahali]

CottonCandyLocks,

You are wanted here. We all feel at times like we are not wanted. If you must , take a break, but do not feel that you have to go or can not return at any time.

[Isolated_Guy]

I know all too well what it's like to feel like a fish out of water, trust me. Instead of concentrating on the reason you want to leave, just look at the replies you've had here.

wow.... so strange to have my emotions toyed with by simply reading words on a screen.
i really wasnt fishing for those nice replies, although i was curious if i'd get any so i came back to read em.

even though you guys barely know me i feel like you know me more than my family or real life friends. i opened myself up completely in these forums, and that made me feel vulnerable.
guess it is the nature of my condition..... i think i will stick around, but ill probably slam the door again and again.
thank you so much for understanding.

[kimmydawn]

locks,

i'm glad you're going to stay around a while : )

i know what you mean...opening up = vulnerability = defensiveness for me.

hope to hear from you soon,

kd

[nothemama8]

Glad your stayin CCL remember the door here is like a revolving door it never stays closed you are family
Angie and the girls

[sqrlb8]

Hey CCL, I won't feign surprise that you reconsidered leaving the forums, but without any pretense, I can sure tell you I'm glad that you did.

I've read quite a few of your many posts, and indeed, you have opened up here. The feeling of vulnerability you mention is very familiar to me. Maybe it's just a feeling though. It seems to have become my forever goal to see the difference between how I feel and who I am. The two are seldom the same it seems at times. I suspect that is true for most people, but possibly more so for (I think the medical term is nutcases) those of us affected by bipolar.

As I read your account of the day at the amusement park, I couldn't help projecting myself into your story. If I indulge my manic bouts I experience a corresponding backlash of depression to follow. I didn't notice the dates between the amusement park, and your door slam post, but i'm guessing they are mirror image events. One as low as the other was high.

It really sounds like you are rapid cycling, also part of my psychiatric cocktail. The depakote may help with that. Unfortunately, that is one that takes some time to begin to work and then more time to titrate to a level that is ideal for you. Most of the drugs are like that. However I was given alonzopine once for a crisis mental state, and was amazed that it worked within an hour to restore calm inside. You might talk with your doc about long term and crisis type meds. It's going to take some patience on your part though for sure.

Not to dress bp up in a hallmark card disguise or anything, but there is a gift in all of this. You, like me, like anyone confronting any mental "illness," are forced into a level of awareness of self vs feeling that everyone in the world would benefit enourmously from, but which the "undiagnosed" may never encounter in their meanderings through this maze of life. Sure, I'm a nutcase, but that insight has come to mean so much to me that I wouldn't trade my "disorder" for the return of my former level of ignorance.

So, CCL, glad you're still here. Feel free to slam the door as often as you need to. Call it a coping skill. No one here will freak out. Sheesh, look around you, its an epidemic here.

Peace.

[Mahali]

CCL,

Glad you are staying, too. Your analysis sounds right on.
Need to talk? just send a pm.

Take care.

Kim

[allautumn]

Whoa, I'm glad you're still here! I just saw this post. That's what I get for sleeping during the day
Keep posting, CottonCandy, we're all glad you're stil here.

so you read the amusement park one, cool. feels good to be noticed.
that was saturday. the drop in mood came very late sunday night.
i was sorta develpoing this theory that maybe the mania is much like a craving.... like when you crave bananas you need potassium....
i was thinking when i have mania, i must be craving something, adrenaline maybe? and i wont feel better until i get that. so when i ran around at the amusement park and rode all the coasters, i got my fill of it. so i wasnt hungry anymore.

[Rapunzel]

That's an interesting theory about mania. I'll have to think about that one. It sounds like running around the amusement park was a good thing to do with your energy. Glad you deciced to stick around.
Rap

[LadyDragus]

i will have to rembmer that one .. One of my friends hve a big problem with her maina spells and never seems to be able to do enough when she has one..
I will have to tell her go run around a park somewhere she will enjoy doing that..

That is a very good idea..

I am glad you are staying..
I am one of the members that fly in and out all the time..
That is why you do not see many of my post, I do read many post, but I have not been in a good place lately.. But i hate to see someone wanting to leave casue they do not feel welcome on the fourm