[seeker1950]

I've posted here about daughter and husband interviewing for international teaching jobs. They've accepted, and are going to....Turkmenistan, where they will be employed as teachers in the International School there. This country is located between Afghanistan and Iran on the Caspian Sea. They are going. My reading says it is subject to possible terrorist threats to Americans, even schools, so forieigners should be wary of this. Healthcare is not good either.
I wanted to call my daughter this morning and throw a fit! After viewing the school website, along with a video fo the actual school, it looks pretty good, actually. And their housing will be provided. They will have the three summer months off with paid airfare home.
After viewing this, I calmed down a bit, and did call my daughter, telling her of my concerns for healthcare. She said I could "throw a fit" if I wanted to, but it wouldn't do any good...they are going.
I was doing pretty well with my quit smoking over the past three days, but went out and bought cigs this morning. I hate to allow this to victimize me and fill me with anxiety.
Patty

I know if I had a daughter going to Turkmenistan I would feel nervous too!
But she is doing a great thing by becoming an international teacher (in my opinion)

[gimmeice]

((((((((((((((((( Patty )))))))))))))))

Try to calm down hun, maybe some good self care would help try anything that will relax you. I know this must be tough, it sounds like you have raised a nice young woman who is chasing her dreams, I realize that probably don't help with your anxiety. Try to keep it in mind that your daughter really wants to do this and she has probably considered all the risks and thinks that it is worth it to fill a dream. Lean on us here, we are always here to lend some support, please dont think that you are victimizing yourself, mom's worry about their children, its what mom's do best.

[KathyM]

Hi Seeker

I'm embarrassed to say I've never even heard of that country. It sounds like a scary location, and I'd be worried too. However, there are no guarantees of her safety even if she were to stay home.

This is what we sign up for when we have children. We can't live their lives for them, we can't dictate their dreams, and we're not allowed to place them under house arrest after a certain age. This is important to her, and I'm sure you wouldn't want her to look back one day and think about what could have been. Besides, you have a bit of an adventurous streak in you - it's probably your fault.

I'll keep your daughter and her husband in my prayers.

[seeker1950]

Besides, you have a bit of an adventurous streak in you - it's probably your fault.
I actually feel this way, somewhat...KathyM.
Right now, all I can think to do is sleep!
Patty

[AAAAA]

(((((Patty))))) It sounds like you've raised a fine child and have to trust her to do what she thinks is best. Kathy is right, there is no guarantee she's safe here in the US either. Is there a specific medical concern or just worried about her health in general?

[seeker1950]

Just knowing that the twins come down with fevers (age 6), have done so occasionally when visiting here with me, concerns me. All one has to do here is go to a 24 hour clinic. It is stated in the Turkmenistan info that healthcare is poor. Just wondering how they would deal with minor concerns, let alone a major one. Daughter has stated that they are not concerned about this, as the head of the hospital has a son attending the school where they will work, and they will have "access" to health care. Well...maybe. I just think they're being naive about living conditions there, but they will have to learn and experience this for themselves.

The other thing is my issues of control. I can't control this. No point in making myself ill...eh!
Thanks to all of you who've responded.
Love
Patty

[bebop]

hon I know you are stressed to the max and your child moving to another country is very difficult. I can't say I would blame you for smoking again. that is the first thing I want to do when stress hits me or I get mad. thankfully I am far enough out now that I don't.
I know you are concerned about medical. but I think it is much more than that that has you upset hon. understandable. when do they leave? can you spend alot of time with them before they go?

[seeker1950]

Thanks, Bebop, and all of you, for your kind responses.
I'm trying to monitor my own response to all of this, and not feel irrational.
I did finally take a nap today, after wallowing in the gamut of emotions, mostly anger at my daughter. I'm not sure this anger is justified, or that I'm not reacting in a manner similar to that of my own mother, who held such control over me all my adult life. I know I can't allow myself to behave this way. I've been internalizing all of this to the the point of making myself feel sick.
The fact is: Turkmenistan is a backward country, with little to no services which we in the US are accustomed to. Health care, especially for the twins, is a concern for me, but also safety. The US Embassy in Turkmenistan states that it is a place, because of its strategic location between Iran and Afghanistan, where westerners, especially Americans, could be targets of terrorism, even schools.
This is all out of my control. I'm just going to have to put this all aside and allow my daughter and her family to experience it, and learn from it. Hopefully, it will be okay.

Edit: The other thing I have to add here is that I need to GET A LIFE! Though I don't live vicariously thru my daughter and her family, I do take comfort that they are only 3 hours away from me now. The inlaws, her husband's parents, are much more involved with the twins than I am, and I suspect they are having a fit right now. I don't do much outside of going to work and coming home to veg. Must find some other outlets.

Patty

[bebop]

yep time to get a life honey. when will they be leaving?

[sabby]

(((((((((((( Patty )))))))))))))))

You have every right to feel what you are feeling. You are a mom, a grandmother and you love your family. Your concern for their health and welfare is a job that most mom's take very seriously. I completely understand what you are feeling and why.

Maybe I can help you feel a little less jittery about it all. Having traveled some in Eastern Europe, I am aware that healthcare there is substandard in many places. I became ill in Romania and was scared to death to go to a doctor (especially one from any state run hospital). I was able to network and found a private internist and went to him. It was a different kind of office, yet he had up to date medical equipment. He had me go for bloodwork as well as did a physical exam and some other tests. His work was wonderful, he diagnosed me with things I already knew I had (that made me feel good to know he checked on these things and knew what he was talking about) and dx'ed me with my gut problem...prescribed some meds and I was back in the pink in no time at all. He was great!

I told you all that because there are good doctors in these kinds of places. You have to network to get to them and you need to have money. Most commoners within some of these countries cannot afford to go to private doctors, but that doesn't mean they are not available to those who can and will pay. I think, as long as your daughter brings along all your grandsons' medical records, they should be just fine.

I know how scary it can feel when we don't have control over the safety of our loved ones. It's a hard thing to give up. It's a hard thing to come to terms with. You are working through it hon. As the time comes closer to your daughter leaving, I would imagine you will have more anxiety over the situation. Give yourself a break...allow yourself to feel what you are feeling while mixing it with your logical mind and the knowledge that you raised a bright and capable daughter who knows how to take care of herself and her family.


sabby

[seeker1950]

Thanks, Sabby...Your responses are always so balanced and calming to me (and others here I'm sure).
Daughter says the son of a director of the hospital there goes to the school, and they will have direct access to him. I guess that is what you mean by "networking." Also, that there is a daily flight out to Istanbul to hospital there. She's not concerned.

I've let this wreck my anxiety level, and i can barely move my neck from the pain. This happens when I'm stressed. I did wake up from a restless night in which I awoke feeling fear and flashes of anger, which quickly subsided. I realize this is my feelings of helplessness and lack of control in the decision. In truth, I've never been able to control my daughter, and didn't even try, resorting instead to trusting her judgment.

As Gimmeice suggested, time for some self-care.
Love
Patty

[<HER>]

I wouldnt take anything i said of great importance, but from a 'daughters' point of view, sounds like she has her heart set on going, and if you try to stop her, you wont achieve much other than possibly annoying her. best thing you can do is give her your full support as shes going to do something that you should feel very proud of, of course you will worry and thats fine, but im sure all she wants right now is for you to support her and to be proud of her. . sure as hell wish mine would do that. p.s sounds like your daughter will achieve great things

[sabby]

Dearest Patty,

Yes, that is the kind of networking I was talking about. I think it's important to remember as well that no matter where in the world your family is, healthcare is important and no matter how good or bad it can be, there is always the chance of something going awry, even in the states hon.

The first time I traveled to Europe was on October 2001. It was less than a month after 9/11 and my family was very upset that I would still travel after that horrible date. We all take chances in our lives hon. Some are more calculated than others. When I first went to Eastern Europe I had 3 plans in place in case anything went wrong. So, even though I took a chance (single woman traveling alone to a country where I didn't speak the language), I still had 3 plans in place in case of emergency. Has your daughter made any plans like that? If so, maybe she could explain them to you and it might help you feel better about their decision. If she hasn't, maybe it's something you can help her with in coming up with those plans?

First and foremost her and her family MUST let the American Embassy over there know they are there and where they live and work. That will be your first line of contact in case of emergency and you cannot get through to her. She must be in touch with them and be aware of updates on status of Americans' safety in that country. If there are ever changes to her situation, the Embassy should be notified ASAP.

((((((((((((( Patty )))))))))))))))))) Please take good care of you through this. Our children certainly can make us anxious at times.....I guess that's part of the deal as parents. I'm sure your daughter knows that you love her and her family.....just lead with that in your dealings with her and you will all be fine.

Prayers and positive thoughts going out to you and yours.


sabby

[seeker1950]

Thanks, Sabby, and <Her> for your kind responses.
This morning, I have to go to work, despite there being a "snow day" for students. Seems the supt of schools is following the example of other neighboring counties and making the teachers report, regardless of the weather. It's a blizzard out there right now and my street is covered with ice and snow. I'll be late, though, because I've made a doctor's appt. for the pain in my neck, which I can't move...from stress! I know! I have to calm down and practice some self-care. I have absolutely no control over what my daughter and her family choose to do, and I'm trying not to visualize the potential for danger.
The school where they will be employed has a website with a video of the children there. It is very sweet, and I'll try to focus on that.
Love
Patty

[bebop]

Patty hon my thoughts are with you right now. I can't imagine one of my children moving out of the country. it is bad enough for me with a son living in Ohio. My heart goes out to you hon.

[jeremiahgirl]

Hello, I'm sorry for the anxiety you feel concerning your daughter's desire to go to the far east; I too would be nervous and upset.
I just wanted you to know I have some friends who are from Kabul they leave here in the US and they are nice people; Im especially close to their 12 year old son. I would like you to know; not all are terrorist, and do desire freedom from oppression. I will remember you and your daughter in my daily prayers for comfort, support, and especially protection.
Though your daughter has a determined mind and desire I'm sure when she does see the reality of the situation she will be "thankful" for your concernes and have a greater respect for your motherly protection and Love. Please know You too are Loved by all here at PC; hang in there and trust God and read Psalm 91 daily for strenght; maybe give here a copy too! JG+

[seeker1950]

Thanks, Bebop, and Jeremiahgirl. I am feeling that I need to return to my spiritual roots, and I'll look at the Bible verse you sent, Jeremiahgirl.
Love
Patty

http://www1.qsi.org/tkm/
The above link, if it works here, is the school to which my daughter and her husband are going. I couldn't sleep last night, and got up to look at it again. It will help if some of you who have responded will take a look at it and tell me your thoughts.

[bebop]

how long will they be there hon? maybe try to look at it as a huge learning experience for the twins. I know it would be tough to even see it that way. I just wish I had the right words to make you feel better about this. are they going to be under a contract that if they don't like it they can come home?

[multipixie9]

patty,

so many already said it so well, but i'm a mom and can't resist adding my thoughts. concern for your family's safety in a post 9/11 world is inescapable. however, they are right to say that no one is guaranteed perfect safety, health, joy and peace anywhere in this uncertain world we all share.

i don't know if there are websites that help people figure out how to pack most carefully for a long stay overseas, but that would be one of my prime objectives for the family, to take all the minor care products and first aid supplies that are common here and uncommon there. perhaps you could make them a kit to take and you would know they had things for colds and small injuries. doing something might help you release these pent up anxieties (that i feel i would share if my daughters moved out of country). you could buy them a book on all the basics of health care as a backup plan, as long as they have net access they will have sites like webMD.com that will have abundant health information to assist them in caring for the family.

you have indicated that you have a spiritual connection with God, that for me is THE source when life overwhelms me in any way. God knows no such thing as "long-distance". he will help you as much as he will help them because his love is boundless. just thinking of your situation i feel a painful tug in my heart for you because you do not want to be separated from them physically or worried about them in any way. God wants to take this situation and turn it into something good. maybe you can sit down and make a list of all the potential good that can come from this choice for everyone concerned including the school children of this area, God has good plans for their lives and that may include your daughter as their teacher.

gentle hugs from another mother,

leslie