[Locust]

Trigger for alcohol abuse

The universe has decided it'd like to play a somewhat mild- so far *crosses fingers*- game of cat and mouse with me for awhile, apparently.

I got paid this weekend, and I ended up in a showing of monologues. I was glad about my check and it was the best paycheck I've ever gotten, even though it's barely above minimum wage.

Before the monolgoues, I attended a cocktail party during which one lady told me I seemed, "meek" and while I don't think an insult was intended, I consider it an insult. I was stressed out before the monologues about the possibility of a panic attack on stage, since public speaking tends to make me panicky. I actually cried about it and heavily considered backing out. Yet, I was excited to be a part of it and in the end, I refused to back out. I tried some techniques, some spiritual, some practical, to control my anxiety, and while I did get somewhat nervous standing up, it worked fairly well. It helped a lot, so I didn't get really nervous and at some point, the anxiety mostly dissapeared. Yet, at the beginning, I was a bit nervous, shaking, and well, I could have done better showing emotion on this one line if I had been calmer (such as, alone). I am not a great actress, so I didn't expect a phenomenol performance, but it could have been better. There was still emotion in it, and I didn't mess up majorly or get as nervous as usual.

I had to buy an outfit for the monologues and I don't have a huge amount of cash right now. Because I bought the outfit last second, I feel as though I didn't look as nice as the other people's, since I had to take what I could get. I always feel like I am not as prepared as other people, not as nice looking when we go out, etc. I left the tags on hoping to take it back.

I hung out with what seemed like a good friend prospect. She was so pretty and confident, I wasn't sure I wanted to hang out because I didn't know if I could take the self esteem bashing being around her, considering we weren't friends already. But we hit it off so well, I was so glad I went, even though we did disagree on an issue that is majorly important to me. But I liked her, anyway. And she told me she thought I was pretty. She might have even said I made her insecure. Anyway, it was all a shock seeing she was insecure about certain things, and that she found me pretty- if she was being honest, not just nice. However, I got so drunk I puked in her house, she had to clean it up and thus, that has prob. killed our friendship possibilities. I also got so drunk I can't remember how I got this head injury, but I'm pretty sure I fell and busted my head open on a vent. Apparently it didn't hurt. I think I would have remembered that. So there was a mini hangover the next day, and I ended up spending $18 on makeup to cover it up (it was horrible) and it didn't even work, so it's $18 wasted bucks. And I puked on the dress, can't take it back. More wasted money. And she helped me get ready for bed as I was so sick and drunk, took the tag off, and yeah, that was embarassing. I'm sure she doesn't like me, either after some of the things that happened, and that saddens me. We had a lot in common. However, if we did hang out, I'd just be insecure around the guy I like. I feel as though, he'd like her better than me. Anyway, I had to lie to everyone about the place on my head, and my sister kept giving me the third degree.

I spent too much money on drinks, on makeup to cover the wounds, and on the dress, and on food. So, yeah, I am already over halfway through my paycheck despite having no bills to pay at this moment. I did spend some on gas, however, and also have to use it to buy food at work. I work at a resturaunt, but we have to purchase our own meals and get no discount, and the food ain't that cheap.

The next day I hung out with someone I care about which was nice, but unfortunately I felt sick part of the time. I felt so bad coming home (wasn't drunk, but was feeling crappy due to the night before), I felt so bad I decided to just forgo the gas since I can usually run it really low (it can be on E for awhile actually) without running out. Next day, I woke up late cause the alarm clock didn't go off, then I tried driving to work and the gas...well, I'd pushed it too far. I had to pull over. The car was stopping and I had already awoken about 20 minutes past time to be at work. I had to get some helpful strangers to run get me gas and bring it back to me.

Then yesterday, I got ticketed for parking the wrong way. I parked opposing traffic because I was driving on one side of the street and had to pull to the other side to park in front of a resturaunt I was going to, so I parked in that direction. I didn't know this could get me a ticket. I came out and had TWO tickets for the same thing issued within 35 minutes of one another. Is that even legal? $25 a piece, but I am going to tell them it's unfair and prob. illegal to charge me for both tickets, since it's basically charging me twice for the same offense commited only once. So, that will hopefully go over and save me $25. I have to contact and pay in 72 hours (since last night) or face other consequences.

Also, last night, while I had some fun and good company, I got my feelings hurt, got all clingy, insecure, needy, etc. and am afraid I upset the guy I like and also might have said something that could have made him reconsider how open he was with me, which I don't want. And the last 2 or 3 days I've felt odd AND worried....and bad. I am confused. And I was totally scatterbrained Monday, and appear to be coming down with something, also.

I feel I've been letting everyone down lately, also. And I think my boss might have insulted me today when I was away, but I don't know- maybe I'm just paranoid. I feel like a screw up at work, and I had been feeling competant for once (sp?). Also, last night, I was so far from articulate when speaking to a lady I'd like to be friends with, it prob. made her think I'm an idiot- and annoying.

On a positive note, I always feel older looking and often feel ugly and have been feeling not as good as others, lately, but I had three people call me in the last two or three days, "little girl" which at this point I was willing to take as a compliment. And two (maybe three- can't recall how old one of them seemed to be) were not elderly. Merely middle aged. And yesterday, one lady told me how old she thought I was and it was 6 to 7 years younger than I am. And today some guy guessed me to be 8 years younger. And last night, some guy told me he couldn't believe I was the age I said I was, pretty much. And I think these people were being sincere, which felt good (esp. with that new wrinkle I got). And also, today, one guy asked me if the requirements for working at my job consisted of being gorgeous or incredibly gorgeous or something similar. Anyway, he called me pretty, basically. Another guy hit on me. Also, while I felt insecure around the guy I liked just last night, he did compliment me, and he also complimented me today and when he said it today, it made me feel somewhat better about being insecure last night.

So yeah, things have been up and down.

[Junerain]

I'm about where you are at- just starting to head in a positive, new & brighter direction.....

Everything you write shows promise....

Here's to more UP's, and looks as if you can handle the down's that are part of life, too......................................................

[Locust]

June, thanks for being so supportive. Sorry your life has been giving you a lot of downs, lately, but it's wonderful that it's looking up. I guess there is some promise in these things. Since I wrote it, more people guessed I was younger. One guy who was older than me, but by no means old (middle aged, I would say, is what he was) told me I was too young to have a boyfriend. When he found out I was 26, he said well maybe I should find one then. So, apparently he thought I was younger. I think he was the one that also told me yesterday (same day) that I certainly didn't look my age. It's nice to hear that cause I always worry I look old, much older than I am. I feel I age quickly. Anyway, that comment was nice. Also, I got a photo of my grandma from when she was 18. That makes me happy. I also had a lady tell me my mother and I were like family to her.

On the downside this has happened since my post:

1. Some woman got rude with me at work. Some customer. Sadly, I don't recall her face, but hopefully I will when I see her again, so I can remember, she always dines in PLEASE, because she will prob. die if I accidentally forget that in the future. I am seriously wanting to make one of those covert slights, where I'm trying to be rude....and you can't tell for sure if I meant to be or not. I usually hate those, but I'm not allowed to be directly rude at work. I feel like saying something like, "Oh, yes, I remember you- you always dine in. I'm sorry it took me a little while to remember that. I'm just so used to most of our repeat customers wanting it to go- they're all so busy. Always some place to go- going to work, picking up kids, running home to husbands, shopping with friends, have to get to ballgames, rehearsals, recitals, practice, movies. Need to get back to their gardens. They never have much time to sit still. I guess it must be nice, having such full lives. But at least we have the advantage of rest. How stressful to always be on the go."

2. Then when I went to pay the ticket- well, I called Thursday. They said I had to be in before 5 to see the police chief to get it off my record. I couldn't make it in time, so I said I'd come yestersay, instead. I told them I was gonna pay my ticket. I said this on Thurs. Well, I said one ticket, or indicated I'd pay one. No one said, well come in before 5 to pay the ticket, but up to 5 to have one removed. They just said I needed to be there by 5. Next day said he'd be there till 5. I came a bit after 4:30 maybe 4:40 something when I arrived. I dunno. Anyway, he was gone. Cop says come in, anyway, maybe we can call him. I go in, get a diff. cop, apparently who tells me just take the tickets to city hall when I go. Also, he informs me they are closed, and I can't pay my ticket that day. I wasn't aware- yes, I know this is ignorant- that I couldn't pay the cops. I thought, as long as it was before I had to go to court, I could leave my payment with those who fined me. Obviously, never had a parking ticket before. So, I couldn't pay, and it was my 72 hour of "safe" time. Now, I may have to go to court.

3. This happened before the first post, but I dunno if I mentioned, I have an ear infection. Fluid in it or something. Could be worse, but I don't like it.

4. Just a little thing, but due to working in water so much- cleaning dishes, cleaning off surfaces with wet rags (and I have to put my hands in the disinfectant or soap water to get them out), and washing my hands repeatedly- my skin is a bit dry and older looking on the hands, and my right pointer finger nail has broken off so badly (this stuff destroys the nails) that it is basically right up to the quick.

5. Wedding shower today. I want to be there, but.....kind of makes me fell bad.