i have no idea if there's actually triggers in here or not--too hard to figure out so playing it safe with the icon

Sorry this is so long. i feel SO stressed out and have been sitting here for about 20 minutes just trying to figure out where to post cuz it all tends to intersect at various points with other forums. So, ya know...whatever ok? It's also hard to organize what i'm thinking into a coherent post so please try to bear with me.

i'm a survivor of emotional abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, spiritual abuse, and ritual abuse...some may seem redundant to mention but they have some separate occurrences for me. These things took place during my life with my adoptive family, though some of the occurrences were with people outside that family. Some as part of the ritual abuse and some completely outside--a teacher, a doctor, a classmate. My adoptive parents have died and i no longer have contact with the rest of my adoptive family. i was scapegoated and abandoned and i divorced them in my mind, legally changing my name and cutting off all contact.

i found my biological mother 20 years ago and learned i had a 1/2 little brother one year younger than my own son (so my son has an uncle that's younger than him). At that time my bio mother stated she didn't remember the name of my bio father (despite my mentioning what i thought i had figured out from redacted records i obtained). i didn't really buy this but didn't feel it was a good idea to press her on the subject.

We had maintained contact for a couple of years but my bio mother never asked about me or my life, in fact she said she never regretted her decision to give me up (which i think was cruel and unnecessary). Things deteriorated over time and then i learned through a generic Christmas letter that she and my little brother had travelled to my state to visit her father/my grandfather (who happened to live about 30 minutes away from me my entire life). She did not bother to contact me or visit with me when she came and i took that as a very strong hint she did not value me or our relationship. It was very painful to lose contact with my little brother but i didn't feel i had the right to intrude on his life when it was clear our mother didn't care to have a relationship with me. He was a minor and she had made it pretty clear i wasn't wanted (again).

Many years later (about 3 years ago now), a man tracked me down through a former employer. He was remodeling his house and found a time capsule in the ceiling. He had purchased a house my bio grandfather built. Inside were lots of photos still in their original envelopes with my grandfather's name on them along with a school yearbook and a wedding book from his first marriage to my bio grandmother who died 6 months before i was born. Anyway, the man looked up my grandfather's name and found an adoption inquiry i had filled out then tracked me down. We met and he gave me the materials he had found.

Now that i had these materials, i didn't feel they belonged to me so i was prompted to contact my bio mother and let her know. By this time my little brother was 21 and it was past time anyway. This led to a rekindling of my relationship with him but my bio mother was still cold and distant. That's her right--she does not have to have a relationship with me--but it still hurt.

A year and a half ago, my little brother's dad died of cancer. i asked if he needed me there and he said yes so i flew over to be with him. i helped out with the memorial service reception and spent a bit more time around my bio mother. Right after the memorial service she blurted out the name of my bio father...the same name i was guessing at so long ago. i was devastated and grateful at the same time. i had wanted to find him for so long. When i left from that visit my bio mother said she loved me and gave me a hug but my little brother was around too.

It took me only 3 weeks to find my father though it was quite a feat. He has a stage name i didn't know at first but luckily obtained. He was happy to be found and very loving toward me. He also was very interested in my bio mother and she was very interested in him. Suddenly my bio mother was calling and chatting with me as if we had the most comfortable of relationships. After several phone calls, i finally asked both of them if they'd like each other's phone numbers. It turns out they lived only 15 minutes apart for the past several years and neither of them knew it. They both had lived in WA state and had eventually wound up in Colorado. Just prior to my flying to meet my father for the first time, they got together to talk.

Well...this all happened in December of 07. Now they're getting married in a pagan ceremony because they would lose too many benefits to have a traditional wedding. Yes, call Oprah i know. The thing is, once they found each other i was forgotten yet again. i rarely hear from my bio father and my bio mother went right back to her old self as it pertains to me. When i do call she responds with great enthusiasm...but he's there too. She makes no effort to call me and has never once asked about me or my life.

So...i'm going to the ceremony. Why? Because despite everything these people have chosen not to be, it's nothing compared to what my adoptive family was and all they perpetrated against me. i just haven't reached the point where i turn them away too though i do get close. i try not to let their lack of wellness affect how i treat them. i honestly can't see NOT going to a ceremony where my own parents are wedding. Most of my life i've felt cosmically misplaced--like the adoption was an accident of the universe (tho i know God doesn't make such mistakes it's very hard to think He meant for all of this to be my life) so turning away from what "should" have been seems untenable to me.

But this is a pagan ceremony. i have nothing against it or other belief systems but i don't partake. i believe in God but i don't do religion. i'm terrified of the ceremony. As a ritual abuse survivor...eek. i can't even look up what i might expect. And, of course, wrapped up in all of this is the fact that even though i will be there, to them i'm an afterthought. It hurts more than i can express.

Meanwhile, my mother-in-law is very ill and my father-in-law is having more difficulty controlling his diabetes. It's coming time that we need to make different living arrangements and they have made it very clear they expect us to care for them. Because i used to work in social services, i don't blame them and have no desire to go anywhere myself. The thing is, i'm already caring for my 20 year old daughter with autism. The thought of having my in-laws in the same house 24/7 with my daughter--whom i love dearly and would not wish to change but who can be quite a challenge to this c-ptsd, ddnos, major depressive poster with chronic pain/fibromyalgia--makes me cringe and open a bottle of wine. EEK!

All of this is culminating at the same time here. The ceremony is in 3 weeks...i don't even know what to wear! My m-i-l is in the hospital and we've already begun discussing the fact that we're going to have to do something cuz just before she went back to the hospital she was on the phone with her sister while my father-in-law had a low blood sugar disaster and we had to break into her conversation to get her to follow up with getting some carbs in him. i say again, EEK!

ok, sorry for this long meandering post. i just had to get it out of me. Whatever anyone does in response (or doesn't do) is fine. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Miri]

MeSo, I'm only going to address one thing okay, because really, it's virtually the only way any of us can stay upright with all we deal with. I'm ver sad about the composite picture and I also know how everything feels interconnected, but it won't get resolved that way. I REALLY get it. Okay about the pagan ceremony, here's a suggestion that may not work at all, but even if it doesn't maybe it could morph into an idea that will work. Here goes:
1) Is there someone who could ask either your mother or your father, in a very nice, social way, just what will be included in the ceremony. Possibly, it won't be as difficult as you are fearing it might be -and I'm not denying that it could be - but forewarned is forearmed.
2) If you know ahead of time, as it seems you are quite decided about going, you can try to mentally prepare yourself and enlist the help of your husband, your therapist, a friend - whoever might do that safely
3) you could perhaps enlist someone else to research pagan ceremonies on-line or at a bookstore, if you have some idea what your parents are into

Maybe none of the above is possible or feels safe, but let it simmer and perhaps it will give you some other ideas. I can tell that you are a very intelligent person and I think you can find your way through this.
I faced a difficult time when my daughter married into a faith where I was not allowed to attend the ceremony and I'm not going to expalin that so as not to offend. Sometimes couples will opt to have two ceremonies to accommodate both sides of the family - they refused. They also insisted on having my side of the family present for the reception - my mother and 6 brothers whom i had "divorced" a few years prior for the same reasons you had to. i had to face my mother at my daughter's wedding. My best friend stuck beside me, glued to me and this is a situation where dissociation is still a pretty good coping mechanism, temporarily. Perhaps there is a part of you able to cope in this situation and even if that part is unknown to you at this time, i have come to trust the they show up as needed, when needed, just like they did when very bad things happened. If the reminder is prresent, likely, they will be too.
I hope this helps, if nothing else, to know that you have been heard and that your struggles have been honoured, as well as your enduring courage and strength. don't forget to breathe. if safe

Miri, thank you as always for a kind and insightful response. i DO have a friend who has been to a handfasting and i'll give her a call. Of course, all that is a conglomeration of feelings but you're right on focusing on the pressing matter. Thanks so much! i truly appreciate you.

[turquoisesea]

heya MeSo, I just wanted to say I read, and am sitting with you.

Sorry i don't have more to offer other than hugs, but that's what I've got

Hugs are quite enough...and are VERY appreciated.

[beadlady29-old]

((((((((((MeSo)))))))))))

beads has also read your post.....we hear a lot of stress.....
hope you are ok.

beads

we also have not much to offer other then a supportive ear and more hugs, at this point

[(JD)]

I, too, will address just one issue this post:

Just because other family members are in or have come back into your life does not give them permission to change your lifestyle. Nor does it obligate you to change your life to accommodate them.

IF you were completely well it would be challenging at best, and a consideration.

Since you are needing so much time and security for your own health care, please do not even consider taking care of aging relatives. Even having them in your own home with someone else taking care of them 24/7 is just too stressful and upsetting. I'm sorry but you need support in this. They won't understand why you can't, and you may feel guilted into trying... but rely upon your support system and "just say no, thank you."

(Adults need to have made arrangements for themselves and not relied upon others to work things out. That is just selfish, imo. (And I don't use that word very often.))

YOU take care of YOU, especially during these stress-heightened times!

[beadlady29-old]

Hugs MeSo
beads just wants let you know were still here and caring.........
thinking of you,
xxx
beads

Thank you beads. Your support means a lot to me.

Originally Posted by _Sky

(Adults need to have made arrangements for themselves and not relied upon others to work things out. That is just selfish, imo. (And I don't use that word very often.))

YOU take care of YOU, especially during these stress-heightened times!

Thank you Sky. i appreciate all you have to say. i agree it's a rather large presumption on my in-law's parts. The thing is, i find myself stepping up to the proverbial plate on this one. i don't know if this is just what i'm about or what. Most of my work, when i worked, was for a cause. Maybe i'm making up for childhood travesties i couldn't control--i don't know really but it would make sense. There were people i couldn't save and responsibility i took on even though i was powerless to do anything about it at the time. i have my adult understanding and i have my child understanding existing together.

So, while i completely agree with what you've said, i'm not sure i'm capable of NOT taking them in. Believe me, we will be having a discussion about expectations and concerns before anything is decided. i'm just not sure turning them away is in my DNA.

My m-i-l is being discharged from the hospital today and, at least for the next few weeks, will have home health care in the forms of physical and occupational therapy and a bath aid. After that, we'll see.

Really, my rant is/was about the culmination of a number of stresses but i've gotten fairly used to it over the years, unfortunately. i remembered my childhood just six months after my daughter was diagnosed with autism and two months after a hysterectomy. It's the way things go.

Thank you again for your care and support.

[beadlady29-old]

Thank you MeSo........
beads appreciate your support too
you are awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

hugs,
mary