I've rescued and adopted (or was adopted by) a few unwanted, abandoned, or semi-feral cats the last few years. Some came w/ kittens or had kittens before I was able to get them fixed. The kittens usually became tame and were adopted out through a local agency, or in a couple of instances to people I knew would be responsible owners. Two became indoor cats and there's three who chose to live outside. So. its always worked out well. A while back I noticed a cat who seemed to be living in a large shopping center. He was getting enough to eat but his future seemed limited living there. Over the course of a few weeks I tried to gain his trust. I got close but not close enough. I was able to trap him early one morning on a day that a local group does a low cost spay and neuter program. It was about 5am so we went straight to the clinic to be sure to get a place in line. I picked him up later and brought him home assuming he'd become another backyard cat. I kept him in the cage one day and then let him out. I kept him inside another 5 days per clinic instructions. He stayed hidden a lot but a few times brushed against my leg or sat in front of me behind my computer stuff. He had one incident on my bed but after that he began to use the litter box. He never exhibited much feral behavior. No hissing or growling. But he wasn't approachable either and would attempt to find a way out through windows. Once there was a wild scene involving trying to escape through the kitchen window and running across a counter top making a mess and breaking a few dishes. At the end of the fifth day I opened the back door. I hoped he would wander out and see the food bowls and make himself at home. When he finally noticed the open door he bolted. I haven't seen him since. That was September 19 and I'm pretty sure I won't be seeing him again. The first three weeks I went out 2 or 3 times a day (night really) and searched the neighborhood. Thoroughly. I know a lot of people so I put out word that I lost a white cat but nobody has seen him. I didn't really expect to get him back. I did hope to see him. Alive. Now I'm down to searching once a night and that's more obsessive and guilt driven.
I feel like I screwed up. He was okay before. I don't expect anybody to read this and offer suggestions. I don't even expect anyone to read it. I just needed to write it.

[gayleggg]

No need to feel guilty. You did what you thought was right and who knows he may find a home on his own. You did a good thing, so don't beat yourself up.

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[googley]

Where I live the humane society has a program that they specifically do what you did. It is a trap, neuter, and release program. What you did is what this program does. Don't feel bad.

[Nammu]

feelings aren't always logical...you did what you could, he was just more comfortable alone. It's nothing you did...or didn't do. I wish more people would do what you do.

Some ferals can't abide too much human contact but will still accept food and water, therefore, I'd keep a little food and water set out for him just in case ... I hope you know that your 's in the right place whether he ever comes back or not!

[x123]

Probably that cat is no worse off than before, and at least he is fixed now.

Thanks guys. I'm not exactly beating myself up but I am still thinking I failed him. If I could somehow have gotten him to spend a little time in the yard it may have turned out better. He didn't act all that feral. I've trapped a totally feral cat and seen others in trap cages. They get pretty crazy. I was able to touch Ollie while he was in the cage. He may have been a pet at one time. I think he wanted to trust... maybe wanted to be petted. But he couldn't overcome instincts and I'm sure those instincts helped him to survive to adulthood. A lot of abandoned cats will lose trust in humans and rightly so. The Colonel is still a little leery of feet/shoes and brooms or sticks. It doesn't take much thought to know why.

...at least he is fixed now

That's the only upside I see. He definitely wasn't an alpha tom so in addition to not being able to add to the overpopulation problem it might keep him safe from any alpha tom he may run into if he survived all the other dangers.

[Fresia]

There are more up sides to this than down as you have helped his health and in turn his life; whether or not he returns remains to be seen but know that what you have done is a wonderful thing. Thank you for doing this and for all you do with the other critters. ((((George H))))))

[lizardlady]

George, remember that old story about catching a butterfly, then opening your hand. If it flies away it wasn't meant to stay. Maybe Ollie wasn't meant to stay in you life. You did multiple good things for him.Maybe he's a travelin' man and just needed to head on down the road.

Like sidestepper said, feelings aren't logical. You did your best for him.

hmmm, I might have found another way of looking at this.... If you opened your home to a homeless person, gave them food and shelter. Made sure they got needed medical care. Then one day they took off, would you be responsible for them leaving?

[cakeladie]

George you did a good and wonderful thing. We adopted a feral kitten that my husband found while doing yard work for a senior on our block. The elderly lady would keep food out side for the cats and they just kept having kittens after kittens.

She passed away and now her daughter is stuck with all of these cats and kittens. The kitten who we call McGee weighed 13 oz's and had infections in both of his eyes. My husband brought him home to me to nurse back to life and get medicine for his eyes. The vet said he would not have lived out the week if my husband had not taken him. The daughter is working with a feral cat program in our city to get them all spayed or neutered. It's healthy for them but I know how sad you are.

I tried taking McGee outside and he ran right back to the door. Some are just not meant to be with people. It's sad and while I am typing this I have one cat on my lap and one on the back of my chair.

Keep looking for him but just know you did good. And there should be more people out there like you

I may have seen him last night. Yes I still go out searching. It was dark but it looked a lot like him. Unfortunately he was behind a wrought iron fence of a new house being built.

I may have seen him again tonight or maybe it was just another stray white cat. This one was also on the other side of a tall iron fence of a commercial building so I couldn't get a close look. He did stand and look as I called out Oliver's name, which is unusual for a stray cat to do. It's unusual for any cat to do I suppose I need to let this go. But I can't.

[Yoda]

I am so sorry that your kitty is missing. I have had several cats and one dog just disappear and not knowing what happened to them is torture.

You gave that cat every opportunity and he chose to leave. I hope someday he may return to visit you.

Originally Posted by Yoda

I am so sorry that your kitty is missing. I have had several cats and one dog just disappear and not knowing what happened to them is torture.

You gave that cat every opportunity and he chose to leave. I hope someday he may return to visit you.

I'd be happy with just a note or call telling me he is alright and he is sorry he left but he was confused and scared. There are so many "coulda/shoulda"s involved. I had no idea that night that he would just keep going. None of the others did that. Now he's been gone since Sept 19 so whatever degree he might have bonded to me is gone. I'm sorry I can't get past this. It just isn't how I'm wired. I'm sorry about your cats and dog too

[Avienne]

Ahw, I know how you must feel. I take in every stray or wounded animal I come across and it hurts like hell to think you've failed them. But you didn't fail him. You were the only one who chose to put in time and effort, but he decided he wanted his old life back.

You could start putting some food out where you think you saw him. If you do that every night at the same time, and call his name in the same manner while you feed him, he might be waiting for you in a short while. Was it close to your home? If so, put the food a little closer to your home every couple of days to lure him back. It's not the same as having him in your home, but I guess you'd feel a lot better if he at least came to eat in your backyard. That way you can keep an eye on his health and always be sure he won't go hungry.

That thought did cross my mind but he'd have to cross three busy streets and pass several large dogs to get back. I don't want to push his luck. Good suggestion though.