[Standup2me]

Trigger Warning

Did your Mum (or whomever) make things that you love to eat rather than
hug you?

Does this mean that food = love?

[CANDC]

When mom made chocolate chip cookies somewhere in the back of my mind I knew she loved me.

Not sure what she was thinking.

Maybe in my mind I thought food=love. It is one way to compensate when parents do unloving things.

[PianogirlPlays]

Oh my yes. Food and love are mixed together. I was rewarded with food. Inundated with food, especially at holidays, and chronically over fed. I am stuffed right now and I did it. Trying to calm my thoughts and supposedly take care of me I eat!

I was absolutely loved with food. And I didn't even really acknowledge it until I read this thread.

My mother was pretty neglectful, and very emotionally abusive. We were also quite poor, and food was hard to come by at times--especially food with a variety of nutrition. When my mother had money (specifically when our food stamps came in or the ADC check came), my mother would buy me food. She'd buy whatever sugary cereals I wanted for breakfast, Pop Tarts, junk food for "good" lunches as opposed to the "boring" PB & J with fruit lunches I was used to getting. We'd go out to eat for pizza, burgers, etc. I think she was also rewarding herself with food, except she had a different body type than I did: she was tall and thin and had always been. She shed weight easily. I was tall and solid like my father, and gained weight easily, so my mother's food rewarding was incredibly detrimental to me. Especially since, at the end of the month when we were struggling (because she was impulsive and had no sense of budget) she'd begin the emotional abuse, talking about how fat and disgusting I was. About how all of the food was gone already and how much of a pig I was because I ate it all. This cycle occurred throughout my childhood. When I entered foster care in high school, I lived in a home where we weren't considered part of the family, and we weren't allowed to eat any of the food except what was served to us during meals. So the other foster kids and I went to the corner market to buy junk food for ourselves all the time. I believe this was both out of boredom and as a self-soothing mechanism.

Cut to adulthood. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder in high school (bulimia) and it's changed to eating disorder--nonspecific just a few years ago. I don't know how to break out of the cycle of using food to self-soothe. The issue is that, when I eat something in that mode of self-soothing I feel horrible and disgusting (EVEN IF I count the calories and it's within my daily allowance--which is a healthy allowance i.e. I'm not starving myself). I just got done doing just that. Which is probably why I'm venting on here right now...sorry for that.

I've been on PC for a long time, but I've not really been active in the ED forums because I've been kind of reluctant to talk about it. Maybe I should come around more often.

[Big Mama]

My grandma used to make the hugest meals on Sundays. Lots of food meant lots of love. My grandma also used to fix us kids food to make us happy when issues arose. Ex. My uncle came home drunk one night and tried to hit my grandma. I don't know if he was successful or not. Us kids were always woken up from our sleep when he would come home that way. No way in this world would we leave the safety of that bedroom and the locked door that kept us safe. I remember hearing my grandma begging, and crying. I remember hearing her on the phone calling someone to come help her. When my uncle finally passed out she would serve us up the biggest scoops of ice cream or a most delicious piece of cake. She knew we were scared. And she knew that cake and ice cream make kids happy. So yes food = love.

[littlebitlost]

I was loved with food. I had regular love, but when I had a crap day at school, we went via the bakery, and for being good about having medical tests and stuff, I was taken out for naughty food, and when mum just loved me, she would send something special for lunch with a sweet note. And just because treats, it wasn't a substitute, just an as well as. I remember an amusing (but sad) moment from when I was about 9ish? There was some whipped cream in the fridge, and I got it out as a snack, and mum went 'what are you gonna eat that with' and I said 'a spoon?'

[Standup2me]

Originally Posted by misskeena

I was absolutely loved with food. And I didn't even really acknowledge it until I read this thread.

My mother was pretty neglectful, and very emotionally abusive. We were also quite poor, and food was hard to come by at times--especially food with a variety of nutrition. When my mother had money (specifically when our food stamps came in or the ADC check came), my mother would buy me food. She'd buy whatever sugary cereals I wanted for breakfast, Pop Tarts, junk food for "good" lunches as opposed to the "boring" PB & J with fruit lunches I was used to getting. We'd go out to eat for pizza, burgers, etc. I think she was also rewarding herself with food, except she had a different body type than I did: she was tall and thin and had always been. She shed weight easily. I was tall and solid like my father, and gained weight easily, so my mother's food rewarding was incredibly detrimental to me. Especially since, at the end of the month when we were struggling (because she was impulsive and had no sense of budget) she'd begin the emotional abuse, talking about how fat and disgusting I was. About how all of the food was gone already and how much of a pig I was because I ate it all. This cycle occurred throughout my childhood. When I entered foster care in high school, I lived in a home where we weren't considered part of the family, and we weren't allowed to eat any of the food except what was served to us during meals. So the other foster kids and I went to the corner market to buy junk food for ourselves all the time. I believe this was both out of boredom and as a self-soothing mechanism.

Cut to adulthood. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder in high school (bulimia) and it's changed to eating disorder--nonspecific just a few years ago. I don't know how to break out of the cycle of using food to self-soothe. The issue is that, when I eat something in that mode of self-soothing I feel horrible and disgusting (EVEN IF I count the calories and it's within my daily allowance--which is a healthy allowance i.e. I'm not starving myself). I just got done doing just that. Which is probably why I'm venting on here right now...sorry for that.

I've been on PC for a long time, but I've not really been active in the ED forums because I've been kind of reluctant to talk about it. Maybe I should come around more often.

Don't feel reluctant, speak up
We are all here to the same reason, support, caring and understanding

[Anachronism]

I never considered this before. I've blamed my mother so long for getting me started on fast food, but this is the truth of it, isn't it? My mom hates cooking, hated it even more when I was a child. We were poor so most of our food came by way of overly processed boxed and canned meals anyway, if I wanted something else I had to cook it myself (if we had anything else). So I loooooved the days my mom had a little extra money, she'd get a burger meal and it was such a big prize to have a larger sized meal, large drink and fries. I could eat the whole meal and then some before I was even 10. So when I got older and money wasn't as tight, and she still didn't want to cook and I really didn't want that responsibility either, we'd have fast food. And now its still my go to. Thats one of the biggest reasons I'm here. I got out of class today, stressed over some things going on...and I got excited by the idea of stopping by to pick up something greasy on my way home, even though I'd eaten a very filling lunch just a few hours before.

[RedDot]

Absolutely. From celebration to sorrow, it all called for a feast. Today, I do it to myself... A good day calls for a great big meal. On the flip side, a bad day also calls for a great big meal. My good day/bad day threshold is very low as well. It's the last day at work before vacation and I am on cruise control. My thoughts are about 10% on the things I can accomplish while I am off, and 90% on what I can eat and drink.

[Standup2me]

Oh Red, you are 100% right.
I do the exact same thing

Mine used food more as deprivation and punishment with an occasional sprinkling of manipulational reward tossed in ...

Either way, it set me up early for disordered eating that has haunted me all my life. I often state that I wish I could just make peace with it once and for all, but here I am at 55 years of age still struggling with it, seemingly with no hope in sight! ... I keep striving (trying) though.

If it was alcohol or drugs I could avoid going to places it's served. Unfortunately I can't do that with food and have to face my addiction(s) every damn day! I do tend to keep trigger foods out of my house and pantry, but It's a mighty battle that I find myself wrestling with constantly!

[Big Mama]

I agree, it is not like alcohol of a drug which you can say no to or avoid places where it is served. You have to have a certain amount of food each day. For me being locked in this house with a refrigerator is like locking an alcoholic in a store that sells only alcohol. One is bound to cave. There is no way around it.

[danielsaun]

For me, I believe, food became the focal point since my Mom used to abandon me and leave me alone with a tv dinner to hit happy hour so I began self soothing with food and it's my worst issue along with sleeping.

[prettykitten]

In my family food was always used to celebrate and show love. For me, food = happiness and love.

[waggiedog]

yep, I come from a family of almost compulsive eaters and I was always rewarded with food and /or candy when I was hurting or sad. I was also a big child at school and had my fair share of being the big butt of everyone's jokes concerning my weight issues. I'm 56 and my bad habits/dangerous habits are as bad as when it all began many years ago, when I was around 19 years old. I can never go out for a meal, either because I've just binged or because I'm on a self imposed severe restriction regime, I always notice happy people sitting in restaurants, eating "normally", alas I don't know what "normal" is anymore. Xxxx

[thecrankyone]

Growing up in the Midwest there was food for every occasion, and every event had food (holidays, funerals, weddings, school events, sports, auction sales, company over and on and on) and it was everywhere. I was blessed (?cursed) with a mother and aunts who were awesome cooks, who showed love by cooking (among other things)

Growing up on farm also meant huge meals regularly served everywhere. Harvest often meant eating later.

Food was a reward and consolation. My mom also had weight issues.

I started puberty early (bra at 10, period at 11), food became my friend, and my consolation. I would spend my nights eating in front of the television or reading, getting lost in other worlds. I had friends, but I was still an odd duck of sorts, I never really fit in with most of the groups in school.

In Junior high there was girl who liked to pick on me, which also made me retreat in to fantasy worlds, eating to feel better.

[Sakura13]

This is a really interesting thought. My parents did show love to me and still do but dad had a tendency to flip out at us then feel guilty so he'd do whatever we wanted to make us feel better. He would spoil us even without that first part being done. I think that's a good point. Thanks for sharing that.

[Ameline]

Oh, I was thinking about it lately. Weird relationship with food. My mum was neglectful and at times abusive, she was also an impulsive spender, which meant that there was a week or two when the fridge would be stuffed (often with the most impractical fancy stuff) and then empty for the rest of the month. My grandparents offered to give me lunch every day (main meal of the day in this country). Grandma's cooking is excellent, but she has a problem with portion sizes. I was 10 and given portions almost too large for a grown hard working man. And if I didn't eat everything, she'd get upset - it's her only/major way of showing love and having it refused? Major panic. "You're not eating. You'll fall ill. You'll die!" she'd always exclaim. Later she told grandad, who can be a really intimidating person, and he'd yell at me for an hour everytime to make me realize how ungrateful I am by wasting food. They loved me with food and loved me only if I ate it all, at least that's how it felt.

My grandparents lived next door. They heard when my mum would "go crazy". Never did anything. But grandma always came to me afterwards in secret and gave me a huge bag of various sweets "to coat the nerves" as she'd say without even properly looking at me. That gesture really meant a lot - someone cared. It felt good and I felt very grateful so I always ate it all in one go.

Also when mum would have a good day (they grew quite rare over time) she'd start cooking and baking. When there was the smell of food at home, I knew I'm safe and she will be nice and loving for a while.

[waggiedog]

Oh YES YES YES, every single point that "cranky" mentioned applies to me ten fold, without a shadow of a doubt, even growing up on a farm in the land of plenty! Love is food and food is love in our family, it's ingrained into me on every count. My nanny (grandmother) and my Mum were excellent cooks and all the veg/fruit came from the garden we grew ourselves. I've had 56 years of being surrounded by foodies and only now that I live alone with my doggie can I not do any cooking what so ever. We also had man sized portions and were encouraged to leave the plate clean to please our loved ones, just to see others being in exactly the same position makes me feel not so alone. At my first school, in the country, which I started at four years old, I was forced to eat things I hated, I used to be sat alone on the high stage in front of the class to finish everything on my plate. I soon learnt to "flick" food I hated, using my spoon, underneath the table!!!! Worked every time as I never put the "flicked" stuff under my own table, always to the left or right as though it were somebody else!!!! I have major issues with food still and I believe I always will have, as has my sister who's had radical bariactric surgery for weight loss. This is where Dr cut away most of the stomache, leaving a tiny "pouch". I keep my weight right down by severe restricting and other methods with the odd small binge here and there.
Thanks everyone for sharing in this delicate subject. HUGS and LOVE, as ever. X

[thecrankyone]

I'm also a farm girl. My parents were depression babies, in my mom's case the 11th of 13 kids from immigrant parents. (Germans who escaped from Russia as kids smuggled out with their parents).

As farmers with animals when I was younger, there was a lot of work to do, which meant bigger meals made sense. But when you sit at an office all day, you can't eat like that. But the farm never leaves the girl.

I grew up where loving somebody, meant feeding them. Every meal was huge meat and potatoes and salad and so on. Food became my drug.

My weight issues didn't start until puberty kicked in, which is also when the first signs of bipolar started. I think that it is more than a coincidence.

[ahdm]

Absolutely. It always used to be treats, indulgent food. Like chocolate bars. Or cake. Or fast food.
So now, when I feel unloved, which is pretty much all the time, I turn to food for comfort.
It never lasts long - I feel guilty soon after, and then I eat my feelings, as the saying goes.

[Fuzzybear]

yes, absolutely (no hugs)

Originally Posted by Standup2me

Trigger Warning

Did your Mum (or whomever) make things that you love to eat rather than
hug you?

Does this mean that food = love?

[Curry]

I have a Dutch body frame, big back, big bones, good features, wide feet for balancing on a boat. My Mom has an English frame - delicate, willowy. My father is Dutch and they have a love hate relationship. My Mom was always trying to slim me down to look English. I have always been really happy with my body, I like it. I am more of a sensual person than a visual person too. when I eat I am celebrating myself with love, acceptance, and affirmation except it isn't real love, it is a really pretty purple Cadbury's chocolate bar and I don't know when to stop.

[eskielover]

I lived in a house where food was a huge part of the day....seemed like my mother was constantly cooking though my dad worked nights, we ate before he went to work & then she would always make something to eat in the evenings & then....oh, you always have to have breakfast before school.

Our family is short....like just over 5foot. I was always what I considered chunky growing up but kept promising myself that I wouldn't end up like my mother who though not obese was what seemed to me overweight.

It my desire to NOT be anything like my mother, I went the opposite way & did what ever was needed to make sure that happened. For me however, I always found that stress made me loose weight no matter what the stress was....from mid-terms to finals, to being married & pregnant. That was a key issue because I saw other women getting pregnant & just blowing up like a blimp & then never loosing the weight....I promised myself that was NOT going to happen either....& it didn't....turned out I didn't gain much more than my daughter weighed during my pregnancy & made sure there was no junk food in the house. Throughout my career, I always played racquetball at lunch with the guys rather than eat & would snack on a lunch I brought when I got back to work.

Food was always a part of all the celebrations but I was always a very slow eater in the first place & many times everyone else was done eating while I was still working of my dinner, so I would just quit eating....maybe my slowness helped me. We had good snacks around the home much of the time, but I wasn't always that interested in eating them unless it was during finals or some time when my stress level was high & I was loosing weight anyway.

Guess I must have countered the food thing that went on out of determination to NOT allow it to win in me....but it's easy to understand as I have many friends who find a great comfort in foods & usually the foods that aren't low in calories or fat content. I always use real butter to do my cooking in but have found that in reality, it's healthier for the body & is actually less fattening than the other options with all their additives that are put in during their processing.

[Memere]

My blood sugar was over 500 for a long time this morning and it took a long time for it to come down. I felt so drugged, I could hardly stay awake, had such a headache and body aches. I had all the signs of having a diabetic coma. I need to start letting other people take care of their own lives