my story

I'm in my thirties and I don't remember times when I didn't overeat (except short breaks). And now it is getting worse. I’m feeling fed up and I need to share my story with someone. Please let me share it with you.

It all started in childhood. Even as a child I ate more than I needed. My mum and other adults noticed but I never got any help. Instead I got countless talking-tos and I was labelled greedy which made me even worse and guilt was overwhelming. For years I felt angry at them. Only in adulthood I understood that they didn't know what to do. They are quite simple people who didn't even know about the existence of eating disorders or other mental health disorders. My mum has had her own struggles including depression. I suppose she herself didn’t know what was going on with her. So I no longer resent her. All I want is to break the cycle and help myself and make sure that my daughter will not go through this hell.

I was a slim child but I always believed that I was fat. I was bigger when compared to my skinny sister. She was always praised for being slim, even in my presence, what had a huge impact on me. One time I was given a skirt after my aunt who told me that she gave it to me because it would be too big for my sister. Another time I was asked how it felt to be slim after I (temporarily) downsized to my sister’s size. It really bugs me that I was made believe that I was fat. I wasn’t and I have photos to prove it. I really look lovely in these pictures. Looking at them makes me emotional

I started going on diets early on. No one told me I didn’t need them and that’s when the cycles of losing and putting on weight started. Whenever I put on weight I thought I was fat again but the truth is that I just returned to my normal weight. When I was a teenager I became a bulimic. I didn’t intend it. I didn’t plan it. I didn’t even know bulimia existed. One night I couldn’t fall asleep because my stomach was upset. I knew it was something I ate for dinner that caused it and thought that making myself throw up would help. It did help but it also stupidly made me think that it was a solution to my overeating. I was a bulimic for several years. I only stopped in early twenties when I found out I could literally die from it. I also read about a woman who chocked on her own vomit and even though she survived she became a vegetable. It all frightened me enough to make me stop (not overnight but fairly quickly).

Since I didn’t purge anymore but I still was overeating I started to put on weight. Now I am a little overweight and it makes me feel really awful. I know I want to lose weight and I have a pretty good idea on how to do it but I keep sabotaging myself. Overeating has been a part of me for so long that in a way I don’t know any other way. On top of that I know full well that I use food to comfort myself. Because I had pretty bad experiences throughout my childhood and teenage years, food made me feel better, it comforted me when no one else would. It is very hard to ditch your ‘friend’ who has always been there for you.

Each time I think I am going in the right direction I fool myself into overeating. My wardrobe is full of clothes but only a handful of them fit me. I keep wearing the same clothes and I feel ashamed. I fear what my friends think when they see me wearing the same jeans time and time again. I refuse to buy new clothes, though. I like to think that a lack of clothes will motivate me but it doesn’t.

I can’t live like that anymore. I don’t want to. I have a daughter and I need to recover for her. I don’t want her to follow in my footsteps. I really want to be a role model for her and I can’t be one until I recover. I’m acutely aware of it. I really do hope I can turn my life around and being a part of this community will be helpful.

Hello Hope: I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I don't have an eating disorder myself. But I'm pushing 70 years old now; & I'm still struggling with things I believe have roots way back in my childhood. So I do understand something of that. Anyway... I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

Thank you Skeezyks for the hug and support I feel I need to open up and talk to people with similar issues. I'm glad that the google search brought me here.

Hi. It's good to meet you.

I'm a recovered anorexic, so I understand. You can get better. If I could do it, anyone can.

Big hugs.

Hi Hope
I'm in my early 50's and still struggle. And yes, I can trace it all back to childhood. For me, many of my behaviors are "hidden". I wont eat in front of people. It's so much like my addiction treatment I go through. It is totally identical. Hiding and eating, not eating lunch or dinner so I can eat the whole pint of ice cream...I do that all the time.
But it is only recently that I've been willing to finally label myself with this. I didn't want it to become a "thing"....but the hard facts are right in my face. Lately it is sweets that are driving me. I find myself sneaking them so nobody else knows.

Two years ago I found out I have diabetes type 2 and it is all because of my diet. Well, that really scared me and I got on track and gave up all sugar. I have managed to loose over 90lbs. But the sick thing is, is that I still feel like the same overweight person I was. I never did the work to get to the root of it.

When Halloween came, I buckled and started sneaking candy. This was my downfall. This is when I realized it is exactly like an addiction because not long after, I was in full swing of gorging on sweets. Skipping meals so I would use my calories on a dessert. Crazy I know. I'm having a hard time getting back on track and was hoping that if I finally write about it and admit it-formally- perhaps then I can get back on track. It's just like the alcoholic, I can't have moderation. There is no such thing for me. I just have to eliminate it.

Thankfully I have not yet gained any weight back. I exercise everyday and I suppose that is what is saving me. I'm just not eating nutritiously. And I hide all this from my family. That is one of the things that made me look at it like addiction.

With the diet that I had started, I was able to get my blood sugars stable. Also, exercise every day did keep the number down even if I did eat sugar, but not as good as it was when off the sugar.

Now everything logically tells me not to eat sugar, yet I can't stop. I feel horrible after I have it....get very depressed and dissapointed. But I get this feeling like "I have to have it". I can't get over my craving it.

I'm sorry if i hijacked this on you, this is my very first time admitting all this and I really got carried away. I am in recovery for other issues and I need to apply some of the tools I've learned to this issue. Easier said than done though.

How do you do with control? Is it a conscious decission to have it or do you have it and not even realize you did it? it happens both ways for me.

I have absolutely struggle dwith weight my whole life. I was up to 275 lbs. two years ago! In extreme depression, not leaving my house anymore decling anything social...I was a mess.

Thank you for sharing your story. It really helped me to think about mine and gave me words for things that I could not articulate.

Maybe we can help each other !

Hope you are feeling better,
Linda