Advice on caregivers and when stable whos caring for who?

Well, I guess I should start to say that I have a very close neighbor friend who at one time about 6-mos ago was hospitalized and needed a caregiver. Now it is going on over 7 months and my friend is reletavly stable and it is a touchy subject in my eyes cause it involves the friends family who is 'caregiving' still and was or is plannned to be out of his home in October.

I am feeling upset because my friend is really needing his home back now and seems that though between him and myself together as a team we are getting things done as well as a weekly visit from a mental health professional who comes to check on him and now he is established and though blood is thicker than wather persay, I feel like now at this point his onece needed caregiver is placing ideas into his mind that he would not make it with out the caregivers.

Dont get me wrong his family who stays with him free of charge is not doing a whole lot of caregiving any longer and seems from my aspects more so adding to his depression and desprite need for a place to be HIS home again. He handles his money and does a rather good job of it, and through some manic impulsive purchases, he is now seemingly homeless while paying all the rent, all the utility's, and all the phone bill.

I am writing this out of genuine concern of my friends needs for his home back and now to say OK, you are going to have to go elswhere. I feel like his self esteem is being knocked down like telling him he wont make it or still needs them there, when he is right across the village from me and vice versa. I want him peace and to begin to regain his independance of having his home back.

I mean, if he feelis like walking aroung naked running the sweeper listening to music while all the while baking a pie I feel he should have that option in which he does not.

He is one of the most kind and considerite persons I am honored to know and I feel at this point that he is really doing all the work, the 'caregivers' recieve the credit and might be taking advantage of his generous hospitality and love.

On the other hand his caregivers have no income and no place yet to go and I feel this load of a decision is adding stress to him and he has not been hospitalized for over like 7 months and feel now he is being somewhat used, not in ill intent but in his 'former caregiver's' like need for a place to call home but that I feel no longer is fair to him and adding stress to his cronic mental disability and wonder if I should say anything or being mentally ill myself, crossing the line.

I just want him to have a home of his own again.

Thanks for any advice.

Krzy Kris 101

I will assume that your friend shares your opinion and the caregiver is not court appointed and say that I think your friend’s only option is to say to his care giver “thank you so much for all you have done for me, I appreciate it more than you will ever know, but now for the sake of my own mental health and self esteem I need to stand on my own.” If he cannot have this discussion directly with the care giver, discuss it with say his mother and have them step in.

yup - time to get him and his family involved, and possibly the agency that provided the care giver in the first place.

That is part of the problem, his caregiver is his family and I dont like to come between him and family makes it diffict. Thanks alll for the advise.

Wow! To take on this challenge is extreme. However, you may be able to find help through organizations founded for such purposes (such as elder-care organizations, or mental health advocacy groups, etc.) on how to proceed with such a delicate situation. This is not as uncommon as you may think.

I believe you may even be able to get an advocate for your friend through government agencies as well. Would this not be considered illegal to take advantage of someone of dimished capacity by coersive means? Normally, you would think that they (the family) could be made accountable for the "caregiving expenses" they are incurring. Even if your friend may not feel strong enough to be able to confront his family directly, he can certainly ask for an advocate to speak on his behalf (which also keeps you out of the direct line of fire, so to speak).

Such a shame that things like this happen. You are a fine friend for caring so much.

Found this site that helps couples deal with BPD:

http://www.borderlinepersonalitysupp...bt-skills.html

Thank all for the replys, I understand that legality has a part of this all but these are his only family members and though things are tough, they have no where to go at the momemnt and no income so in all they do not treat him bad or abusive to him in any way just a very difficult situation for him and his loved ones.

Yep, this is a sticky situation for sure.

Your friend is definitely within his rights to say to his family members, ok, I'm doing much better now thanks to your wonderful care. I can stand on my own and it's time I do just that. As of today, you have 2 months to obtain gainful employment and save up for your own place to live. He has a right to set his boundaries. And I know how difficult it is with family....boy do I know *sigh*.

You can definitely suggest these things to your friend. Unfortunately, unless his family is abusing him in any way, there really isn't too much you can do about this. The best you can do is be a good friend, someone who will listen to him and keep an eye out for his welfare...but family issues are not something you want to get invovled in....he could loose his family and you could loose a friend

Very hard situation.....it's good he has a friend like you who cares! I wish you both well.


sabby