[Depressedbrother]

My brother is depressed. Basically, he is only in contact with me when he wants me to give him money, which he asks for by threatening to commit suicide or become homeless. He works part-time. He will not give me any information about his efforts to get help, what treatment he is receiving, whether he has made any effort to get a job, etc. He lives with a girlfriend who does not work and I don't know what financial contribution, if any, she makes to the household. I am currently paying his rent every money and have paid for him to declare bankruptcy and other bills. I am going to be retiring at the end of this year. Can anyone give me any advice as to whether I should continue to help him?

[Perna]

Hi, Depressedbrother, welcome to PsychCentral (PC).

I think I would make a plan, how much money you have/can afford to give your brother and what you would like in return for your money? Sounds like he is using you, whether he is ill or not; if he wants help from you he needs to come up with some answer/reassurances you aren't being played?

If you are paying his rent, I would not give him "extra" money and would remind him that threatening suicide is an ugly response to your help; you cannot do anything about what he thinks or "does" and you only have X dollars you can afford to lend him without endangering your own retirement.

Tell him that and be matter-of-fact about his threats of suicide; tell him you only have X dollars you can lend him and threatening suicide, when you cannot help him in that area and when he won't even give you any indication he is getting help, makes you think you might be wasting your money? Let him know you are powerless to "stop" his killing himself if he decides to and that threat is "meaningless" because of your helplessness to do anything about his illness so you would appreciate it if he didn't threaten you, yet you care about/love him but he needs to get official help and start getting back on his feet, apply for SSI or other formal help as his caregivers might suggest as you are retiring soon and need your money yourself.

[Depressedbrother]

Hi Perna,

Thanks very much for your thoughts. They were very helpful and corroborated my own thinking.

Originally Posted by Perna

Hi, Depressedbrother, welcome to PsychCentral (PC).

I think I would make a plan, how much money you have/can afford to give your brother and what you would like in return for your money? Sounds like he is using you, whether he is ill or not; if he wants help from you he needs to come up with some answer/reassurances you aren't being played?

If you are paying his rent, I would not give him "extra" money and would remind him that threatening suicide is an ugly response to your help; you cannot do anything about what he thinks or "does" and you only have X dollars you can afford to lend him without endangering your own retirement.

Tell him that and be matter-of-fact about his threats of suicide; tell him you only have X dollars you can lend him and threatening suicide, when you cannot help him in that area and when he won't even give you any indication he is getting help, makes you think you might be wasting your money? Let him know you are powerless to "stop" his killing himself if he decides to and that threat is "meaningless" because of your helplessness to do anything about his illness so you would appreciate it if he didn't threaten you, yet you care about/love him but he needs to get official help and start getting back on his feet, apply for SSI or other formal help as his caregivers might suggest as you are retiring soon and need your money yourself.

[LivingLife]

Hi....my family has alot of depression in it. My brother supports my sister who is severely bi-polar and other things. Your brother needs to look into govt. help like medicaid, low income housing, and food banks. If he's too depressed, let the girlfriend help "them" find help. He's not alone, he has her. I know you feel like if you don't help, you don't love him or care, but sometimes helping too much is just being co-dependent and not in reality helping him. Threatening suicide is emotional blackmail and dishonest. I feel for you, it is a tough situation. Set boundries, get support from somewhere for YOUR emotions...take care of YOU first, if you are retiring, make sure you have enough money for YOUR needs above all else. Best to you!