[ebruce]

I have been with a BPD partner (undiagnosed) for 14 years. We have two boys - 3 and 5 - and I don't know if I can stand to stay any longer. His mood swings, the Jekyll and Hyde behavior. Everything is a competition. Even time with our boys is to prove he is better parent than I am.

I am a successful 40 something woman who really wanted to stay married. I have fought for this marriage so many times.

Am I going to mess up my kids more by staying or going? I am lost - HELP!

[turquoisesea]

hi and to PC ebruce =)

I'm sorry you're stuck in this relationship right now. I personally don't have the perspective I think I need to give you advice on this one. I hope someone here does - it sounds like a really unhealthy situation to me. Have you tried couples therapy?/Family therapy?

Also just so you know there is another part of this forum that is for healthy parenting, and you could repost this there in a few days if you want some advice from some different people who might not read this section too often =)

[Mith]

I am a little confused. How can you be an undiagnosed "BPD". Either one has had a professional administer something like an MMPI (or the like) and spent ample time in therapy coming up with it. BPD is one of the most misdiagnosed disorders. The reason why this matters is that if one or both of you falsely believes he has bpd (or your perception of what that is), then your relationship problems could stem from unheazlthy self fulfilling prophesies.

That said, my standard recommendation is to read a book called "I hate you, don't leave me. Understanding the borderline personality." This book has a section dedicated to learning to communicate with a person with mood swings. In your brief sentence, you said two things. "I am a SUCCESSFUL 40 something woman" and "everything is a competition". If you went to counseling, I would make sure that these two dots were explored for a connection.

I am a believer that every divorce disadvantages the children. Statisics support my beliefs. But to each person unto their own definition of "messed up". You could simply change your hopes for your children from "I hope they achieve a masters degree" to "I hope they don't go to prison for bank robbery" and you will increase your chances of them achieving your hopes.

Peace and good luck.