I'm the non BPD in my relationship. Need to chat :)

Hi,

I am sorry that you are all going through difficult relationship issues. I have read your replies, and as someone who has been diagnosed with BPD, I thought maybe it would be useful to offer my two pence - I hope that is ok.

Firstly;
'All the advice for how to deal with one's BPD sufferer says to validate (find something in their made-up crisis to agree or sympathize with) and make it clear one wants to help them, but that is not the most natural thing to do when one feels attacked.'

This is what someone has said in this thread, and I would actually like to disagree with it. There are three parts to what you say when dealing with people who have been diagnosed with BPD. The first part is empathy 'I can see you're feeling angry/upset/anxious etc', the second part is a supporting statement 'and I really want to help you with this/care about you', and the third part which has been missed out by this poster, is the boundary setting 'however i don't feel I can help you if you are going to verbally abuse me/threaten me/treat me like i dont matter'. It is important to have all these 3 parts to the statement you make, because otherwise if you just agree with everything we say and say how you want to support us, as nice as that feels, it means (and i say this bluntly) we can treat you like crap and you'll just take it. It's important to set boundaries because otherwise people with BPD (myself included) will just push and push and push those boundaries. I don't mind sharing that there are certain friends I will treat like absolute crap, because I know if i apolagise they will forgive me, but other friends i know i can't do that to, because if i did they'd be gone in a flash. And I don't mean that it's about scaring the person with BPD, because that will probably make things worse, because we are terrified of people leaving us, but I mean just setting firm boundaries 'you cannot talk to me like that' 'i wont accept you physically abusing me and if you do i will call the police' - things like that. it actually helps us as well because it means we don't have to push and push to find out where the boundaries are, because you have made that very clear by telling us. It is better that you tell us than us have to work that out by ourselves in unhealthy ways.

Secondly;
'conveniently forgetting his role in it'

Someone else said this, and I would just like to say, that i dont think we conviniently forget anything. we just plain forget. sometimes we genuinely think we are being attacked for absolutely no reason. we often see ourselves as victims and, as victims, we haven't done anything wrong. i am not saying that this is right, because it's not. all i am saying is that don't think that we are lying - often, it really is a genuine memory loss.

Thirdly;
'chemical imbalance'

BPD isn't caused by a chemical imbalance - it is actually a psychological problem, due to years of growing up in an invalidating environment. Often people with BPD have grown up in a family that doesnt recognise emotional distress - either they have been neglectful (or abusive) and so they don't recognise their child is distressed and so ignore it - this means that the child has to cry louder and louder and act up more and more for their parent just to notice them or care. Other times it is if the parent ridicules them for being in emotional distress - 'dont cry like a baby' 'your such a drama queen' - so the child feels as though their emotions are not valid. this may cause the adult to supress their emotions until they burst out like a balloon that has been hidden under gallons of water. Unlike depression (often a chemical imbalance), BPD itself often cannot be treated by any medication (some symptoms of BPD can, but not BPD as a whole)

Fourthly;
'is possible to be diagnosis-free'

This is my quote - it is actually possible, with intense therapy, to be diagnosis free. In the area I live in, there is a BPD specialist mental health team, and they work intensely with their clients/patients, and it takes years sometimes 4 or 5 years, but when people are discharged, they are considered diagnosis free. it is not something which lasts a life time, and often, research has shown, symptoms of BPD reduce with age.

Fifthly;
Someone has mentioned Bipolar Disorder - I would just like to point out that Bipolar Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) are entirely different diagnoses - Bipolar is an affective (emotional) disorder, and BPD is a personality (ingrained personality traits that can be changed) disorder.




I would just like to add, a little bit about myself. I have been diagnosed with BPD. I have had several inpatient admission to psychiatric hospital all within the last few months. I am currently in a day hospital programme which I attend monday to friday for 3 months. After that i will be admitted to the BPD specialist personality disorder team who will help me to learn ways to deal with things. I suffer with alcaholism, self harm, eating problems, paranoia, relationship problems, and anger issues.

I just wanted to add that bit at the end, because I am very ill at the moment, and I just wanted to show you that someone who is very ill with BPD can be rational sometimes (as in making this thread which I hope has given good advice), and that we are normal people as well (or at least sound like one! Haha).

I wish you all a good new years and I hope you all manage to resolve your relationship issues.

One last thing; just because your partner has been diagnosed with BPD, doesn't mean that all the problems in your relationship are because of them - you may be at fault as well, and I think it is important to remember and think about that, rather than automatically blaming your partner who has BPD because those with BPD are well known to have problems with managing relationships.

Take care all.

Thank you for adding your views, it's helpful to gain insight from impartial people. But to recieve the insight from someone who themselves is suffering with the disorder is important thank you

The point about setting firm boundaries is a good one, my partner know's that i would never stick around if he physically laid his hands on me. But recently he did back me into a corner and then lash out inches from me. I wasted no time in grabbing my car keys and leaving, making it clear that he had over stepped the line. After reading "Pandora'sBox" reply to this thread i now see he was probably testing my boundaries regarding physical violence. I'm glad that i made it clear that it had over stepped the mark and that for the first time it actually made me question my belief that he'd never lay a finger on me. But i now see that i and then we need to sit down and make a list of boundaries that are very specific about where the line is. Big step in the right direction

Are you all using BPD for bipolar or borderline personality disorder?

I use bpd for borderline personality disorder and bp for bipolar

Hi. I have BPD and it is affecting my marriage. I, too, rage. Unfortunately, without proper medication, your partner is not going to be able to regulate his moods and control those rages. Now, medications are not the cure-all but they may help. I can see my husband getting depressed because of my BPD and what I say and do to him. After my rages, I feel horrible. I feel like an awful person, which only magnifies my fear of abandonment because I think, why would he want to stay with someone like me? I am just a one big problem. I have been on a combo of meds for years. It has taken years to try and find the right combination to control all my symptoms. It has been hard. Not only is my husband going through this illness with me, but I have three kids who see the wild moodswings and rages. It might be wise to go to therapy with him, so that you can have a better understanding. I know that won't take the pain away when he "attacks" you with such hurtful words, but your support would mean the world to him. Try to remember that you are not what he is saying in his rages. Don't allow yourself to go to a place where you start believing such things about yourself. Borderlines have different perceptions of things, that we soon realize aren't always based on reality. Hang in there!

At the moment my partner hates me, his words. We're on holiday and he woke me up & kicked out of the bed and room we were sharing in the middle of the night. He's moves the goal posts all the time, expects me to know what he's saying when he doesn't say it it's hard not to take the things he says to heart

My wife of 21 years has never been diagnosed with BPD but over the past year and a half I've read several excellent sites and her behavior/symptoms line up TOO perfectly. She's also an alcoholic from a family of alcoholics. My anger has caught up with me, as I suspect my loss of libido/ED and worsening of my bipolar illness(for which I'm on SSDI) are a result of staying with her. But I'm also angry at MYSELF for being such a fool when I was on the receiving end of her rants, rages, put downs, insults when we began dating. I was desperate, needy, blind, naive and now my anger at myself is more intense than my anger towards her. Yes, she's sick but I STAYED! 21 years of insanity. My psychiatrist recommended marriage counseling and I'm arranging it, though I don't believe it will help, and since there aren't any meds to help me, I'm seeking a psychologist for my own therapy.

I'm miserable and just want to RUN away from her. I do believe I can heal but not while I'm with her. My dream is to live alone, back in Florida, living a laid back, relatively stress free life and reconnecting with the man I was before I met her.

It is indeed an unfair and imbalanced realtionship we are both in. It is a even pull between the need to leave to escape their inability to meet our needs while we , if we stay must make many unfair adjustments. Love alone doesnt fix this easily. Especially if there are those present moments where it is often beautuful. Knowledge alone does not stop our pain but can give perspective. Simply put there are not chosing but reacting to current events, triggers, even our love can be misconstrued. I believe it is ok to speak to the parts ofvthe system that like us. Also, feel free when there in a good state to explain you will not accept abuse. My current thots. There is peace in the madness at times. Rvn

you can leave him - your life will get better if you do

I know the feeling. My husbands bouts of rage have been rough lately. I mean he can be the sweetest, romantic, loving, kind person but anything anytime can set him off and since Im here I get the blunt of it. Sometimes i can leave him alone and wait til he apologizes which can be minutes, hours or 2-3 days other times he says the words that I can't just leave alone and I want to talk it out but cant with his personality disorder and things get ugly and i always get the words "if you don't like it you know what to do" and man at that moment I want to pack his crap and send him on his way but I was told that its his disease talking not him and I just leave the room and cry. I cry alot lol and no one in either family knows about his disease so I am literally alone. So Im here for ya.

I'm there right now and I've just about had it with him. Hugs and validation!

Bpd partner,

The words that cut like a knife are the worst abuse as they echo in your own psyche and cause more damage than a physical blow over time. My stbXuBPD, is going to learn that the self fulfilling prophecy of the abandonment fears was his own choice and doing. I no longer care that he has BPD as he was made aware. He promised to get help, and did nothing.

SET, JADE, DEARMAN , the info in SWOE, Radical Acceptance [ basically accepting that you will never have a chance at a normal relationship] isn't worth the years lost and the pain of it.

Using those tools, the BPD aspect is bearable, but I could not do it on a full time basis as many do. Mine is often abroad, that is the saving grace. Were he around all the time, it would be utterly impossible. I cannot tolerate the BPD chaos anymore.

Pandora's Box made an excellent point about Boundaries. That, is far more effective than anything else. Also, Detachment. Emotionally, you are not available to care about anything he says. Pretty soon, you won't want to be married to someone who treats you like he chooses. You deserve far better than that.

And your vacation ruined? Every one of ours, I have had to find another hotel room due to the craziness. Who needs it?

I'm new here. I have a friend, that I believe is interested in me, who has borderline traits. Things have been Ok up until now, when I started to show some of my poetry, which talks about issues like codependency and having difficulty expressing feelings. Now, I just had a stroke 2 weeks ago and I just told her about it, and how it's left me incapacitated for a while. No contact, no reply. Nothing. I have no idea what's going on here, and I hope I've given enough detail for this to make sense.

Unfortunately a trait I believe that is commo to bpd suffers is that they struggle to have empathy for others. I'm disabled by a back injury which requires multiple medications for extreme pain and it's ignored for the most part by my other half and if I cry it's seen as an attack on him. It sounds like you need to devote your energy to getting yourself well I would really think long and hard before you commit to anything life with a bpd is very hard and physically draining. I would hate for you to end up suffering

My other half Mr BDPpartner is confirming his lack of empathy for others especially me ! I have been in agony all day despite being on high dose painkillers and subsequently I've kept crying and whincing in pain because of certain actions etc. But i've still had to cook, clean, make drinks and run round after him cos he's having a low day and then I overheard him saying to that all i've done all day is moan

I have a question.

My bpd boyfriend is convinced I have cheated on him, its causing him great stress, once again I am allowed no contact should I lie and say i have cheated? I am at my wits end and don't know what to do.

Don't lie hun; you'll never hear the end of it. why should you have a shadow cast on your character just because your other half is raging and projecting his issues onto you. I would point out to him that he has no reason to distrust you and that you are hurt and angry at him over this matter.

I know exactly how you feel my partner is either BPD or NPD and I can't put into words the turmoil this relationship has put one me! He does have his loving and good side but when it's bad It's.... The 'rages', lies, belittling etc. and so the list goes on. I am here if you want to chat or just to post. I so understand what you are going through

Firstly a great big to everyone you give me so much strength to be able to cope with the ROLLERCOASTER that is life with a partner with personality disorder. Secondly I think we all need to give ourselves permission to take time out from the intentsity of the situations were in to look after ourselves. After all if you don't look after you who will

I know exactly how you feel about the words cutting like a knife

I'm sorry you know what it feels like. Someone told me a coping stratagy he use's is to think of himself as an audience to his wife's rages and he doesn't interact with her rage as it only seem's to add fuel to her show. Kinda makes sense as recently my other half fled the house telling me he was done he was leaving me and that he would end it all, I waved him off and shouted bye after him. He was back in less that 15 mins normally the police would have been searching for him for hrs with me in tears. Food for thought

I am so sorry that you have to endure the rage. We can be very cruel when that rage is directed your way. I wish I could give you a quick fix that could solve your problems but even in recovery, I still have times where I explode and use my words as razor blades. The only suggestion I would have would be to work with him and create a plan where you both make a commitment to fighting fair. I'd make the focus on the two of you together rather than just his behavior... it'll make him more receptive. I hope you're able to work together and find resolution so you don't keep hurting

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I get the raging, belittling, blaming , put me downs too frequently to count - there are good times too but are the good times really worth all the hurt and pain!

21 years. I have great admiration for you.

Sounds like you really need to get your wife diagnosed properly as marriage therapy is very unlikely to work alone. You deserve to be happy above all else. One thought might be to book in with a psychologist who knows dialectical behavior therapy and tell him/her of your suspicions beforehand. If needed, they could continue treatment alone later, or the psychologist could refer her elsewhere to another expert