[jokulhaups]

anyone been in a similar situation? i bet someone has.

one thing that's happened during my wife's long illness and repeated psych and medical hospitalizations is that it seems like i've become socially invisible. i mean, if i go out and happen to meet someone, the first thing that comes up is "How's your wife doing?" if we go out together, people we know huddle about her, giving her encouragement, and so on.

i really don't know what to do about this. it's like i need to go out and start a completely new bunch of friends for myself, because the ones i had who were the ones we had have been consumed by The Illness.

but that's tough, because it means taking time out from the little free time i have -- including whatever time i might have to spend with my wife that doesn't involve caregiving -- and trying to create those activities and friendships there.

in fact, i feel like my social world has imploded. i stopped going on the road so i'd be around more for my wife (and other good reasons which aren't pertinent here), working from home. but that's created more isolation. i did it in part because when i did work out of the home, i was a contractor, a person who has a tough time relating to permanent employees anyway, and i was always so busy getting the work done so i'd have time to get home and take care of things there.

related to all this is something all caregivers of spouses experience. that is, with the omnipresent medical and psych conditions, how do you get to a "place" where you can forget about them? i mean, the idea of a good vacation is to go somewhere where you don't think about a job at all, and leave all the emotional stresses behind. how do you do that with this?

hello and welcome to the forums....i went back and read your original post on the 16th.........seems things have not gotten better....maybe even worse......i am so sorry for this....i'm not sure that i have any answers for you.....i have suffered the isolation of caregiving but it was for a mother.....i think for a spouse might be much more difficult.....your love and caring show through your words but i also feel that you need to preserve your own sanity no matter how difficult that may be.....get out......get away from the situation......take time for yourself....hard i know.....i did not do this and ended up in a drug indused stupor to cope.....not good......i also hope that in some way these forums can give you a place to let off some steam.....people here care and will try to help and comfort you.....if you need to chat.pm me.........peace be with you.....julia

[Debhopes]

You're right. It is easy to lose real social contact. I know that I am even worried to leave for work at this point - worried what might husband might do when he is alone. I spend all my energy just taking care of him -that I have no real energy to even be with friends.
And when I talk to them, I can't be vulnerable. I am so afraid that if I let my guard down, I will start crying and not be able to stop - and I won't be able to put myself back together again. And I don't want them to feel sorry for me....
How do you deal with it? You say that your wife has been in the hospital repeatedly. This is my husband's second breakdown. I had so hoped that his breakdown was a one-time deal, but this is the second time in one year, and I really think this is going to become a way of life. How do you learn to accept this?

[walkswithspiritbear]

Hi Jokul I am so sorry that you are going through this upheaval in your life... I have heard my husband say the same things.... people don't ask how he is but how I am, he doesn't talk about it much anymore, but maybe later tonite I can share this post with him and he can talk with you.... I now that he could also use some support as he none either except from me and then I am the one he cares for and about so I guess that really doesn' count... I will send hugs your way and hope that you are feeling just a tad better and I will talk with my husband about this.... might even be good for us. It may not be right away today but I am certain he will answer you at some point.. Until then please take care of YOURSELF and do something today that is JUST for you...

[jokulhaups]

actually, it's been a while since i've posted, and things are better now. i'm just as socially isolated, but my wife's condition is improving, primarily her physical condition, and that will, i imagine, facilitate an improvement of the psych condition, although with a lag.

thanks for all the offers of understanding and support here.

there will be better days and, quite possibly, there will be worse days.