How do you give without fear of losing everything?

My mother-in-law is old. I mean OLD. One of my biggest fears is that soon her aging needs will take over my life. My husband assures me that he will contact the other three siblings that all live out of state to help out when the time comes that she cannot live alone but my worry is still there.

Please don't answer this thread if your going to try and make me feel bad about my fears. I'm here for support.

((((Star)))) I can understand your concerns. Caregiving a family member is a huge responsibility. It is exhausting and can suck the life right out of a person. It can be crazymaking, too, based on the illness(es) you are dealing with.

You basically give up your life to tend to someone else's needs.

I think it is great that you have shared your concerns with your H. Take care of you. You know what you can manage, about your boundaries and limitations. And strengths. Try to not be hard on yourself, too. Stay on your H to make sure he follows through with his words...not saying he won't, but it is a very complicated, complex, emotional issue.

Hopefully, your H and his siblings and mom will figure things out and have a plan in place before the need comes up for new living arrangements

Thank you so much for your support. My whole life I've struggled with trying to become independent and due to my mental illness I was never able to do so. I do my best. Everyday I try to be as productive as I can be. And my husband knows how I can get very angry at his mom. I never screamed at her or anything but I'll get really quiet around her and get up from the table when I can't take listening to her anymore. He knows I can only tolerate being around his mom for two hours before I start to go a little nutty. He doesn't want either me or his mom to feel uncomfortable so he works hard to balance her needs, my needs and his own needs. It would be so great if she would move out of state and into the home of one of her other children but she refuses to do this. Maybe in time she'll move. In the meantime I'm going to try and be more giving to my husband when he needs to leave me to help her. In a way she's sort of the "other woman" and that makes me sad. But i guess he's doing the right thing so what can I do? I just hope she never needs to move in here even for a short period of time. That would be miserable. But maybe that won't ever happen.

I would daydream and find an idea of what you would like with your life. You say you can deal with up to two hours at a time with his mom; I'd do a whole scenario, how much time you'd like your husband to spend with her, how much time you would like to spend with her, what else you would "rather" do (not good enough to just not want :-) and kind of get a picture in your mind of what you would like your life to be like and what you would like to build toward.

It is going to get harder for her (and you I suspect) so I'd figure out where my boundaries are and how far you will allow you and your husband to continue working with her? It is all right to think and plan some for the future but vague "it's going to be horrible" thinking doesn't help. Think of some of the issues that are probably going to come up and plan ahead for them? If you husband gets sick or if you want to go on vacation, etc.; it would be nice to know the community resources and have a number to call for various sitters or short term care options, etc., to know there are other helpers besides just you and your husband in place. Do you know your sibling-in-laws or their wives/husbands, etc. Can you start communicating with any of them yourself, broaden the current thinking and options with more people being in tune to the problems/issues?

No one likes to think about getting older and the hard issues and often don't unless "forced" to but it's better to bring it up; who knows, another sibling might offer to fly in for a weekend every month or something to relieve you two? Or they might know a good option in their city for their mother (whether she is thrilled about moving yet or not; we had to take away my stepmother's car from her and had to call my brother to fly in from Hawaii to Maryland to do it as she would not pay attention to her daughter, my stepsister, or me because we were female :-) but if they don't know you all are thinking about these things and that some things are beginning to shift, they might not realize you all are coming up on possible problems?

I'd ask your husband to help the two of you make a plan and to notify his siblings now, before such a plan is needed to help make a future plan. I think his siblings would be more amenable to helping if they were in the loop ahead of time instead of, "Here, it's your turn to take her!" being your husband's plan?

The siblings are in the loop. They visit her once a year for a week then get back on the plane and leave the rest of the years issues up to my husband. I can't really get involved because I'm pretty angry at the lack of help the two other sons and one daughter give. So if I spoke to them it wouldn't be good. It would be me ripping them a new a$$hole. Right now, I'm just trying my best at letting him go help her now without being resentful. This is hard for me. Maybe it wouldn't be hard for someone else but it's hard for me.

Take care of yourself 1st. You can not take care of others if you don't take care of Yourself!

Thank you

Just from my own experience, our culture isn't very good at this type of planning. It's a very difficult matter to deal with. Especially, if/when it feels premature. But planning makes very good sense. It's not easy, but better to ask and look into options than just wait for the unexpected and then have it all fall on you (*based on what you have written, it sounds as if your H is already doing a lot of the caregiving).

And considering your H's siblings fly in for a week, and then leave, I really encourage you to speak with your husband to make a plan with his mom and whomever else they/you wish to include.

But I wouldn't count on anyone else to suddenly become available when the time comes if there isn't a firm plan in place.

And if the burden falls on your H to care for his mom by himself, he will naturally step up to the plate. And it's incredibly stressful. And considering your feelings, it's important that your H not have to choose whom he is going to care for, spend time with, choose to be with. In that way, it's totally unfair to him. So it would be in his best interest to make a plan, as well. For as much as it hurts. For the sake of your marriage and in the best interest of his mom.

After experiencing caregiving for my two elderly grandparents firsthand, and the ball just falling into my lap because I was the closest one to them (all the other relatives lived out of state), after a while, it took a toll: emotionally, financially, and physically. It became incredibly stressful for me. And frankly, I was exhausted. Nobody showed up. It was just me. Even in the most difficult of times. And I was working full time and trying to care for my fiance who was Dx with S4 cancer. *sigh*

I did the best I could, sort of winging it, but things get very complicated and messy and sometimes ugly, very quickly. And people you think will be there to help, just disappear: leaving you holding the bag. And you discover there are some people, by no fault of their own, are just not good caregivers (they don't feel comfortable being around a frail or sick person, so they disappear).

I would not have done anything differently, but I wish everyone was better prepared for the entire thing. And I wish I WOULD HAVE STOOD UP FOR MYSELF MORE.

I ended up suffering on many levels while everyone else just ignored the matter or skated through it from a distance.

(but they all sure did show up, though, when it was time for the distribution of the estate Interesting, they suddenly had time.

My husband said he was going to have a discussion with his brothers but I haven't pushed it. At this point, he's pretty defensive when it comes to his mother and anything I say about it makes him pretty angry. He's been such a good husband. I don't want to upset him.

I understand. I truly do. I am sure he is quite wonderful. It's good that you've communicated your needs and concerns and he heard you and is addressing them

{{{ StarDusted }}}

as a person facing the end of my own life, i would like to be sure you know about the "Durable Medical Power of Attorney" legal form. it is a legal instrument which clearly defines your MIL's medical wishes, and gives her designated representative the right to make medical decisions on her behalf, if she is unable to do so. without one, state regulations and doctors will have primary say in her final days.

it is important to have this form completed and witnessed, or notarized before there is any grounds to challenge it for mental incompetence. if your husband is going to be the caregiver, you might talk with him about getting a couple of copies (from your Social Services, Home Health Agency, or Hospital) and introducing the idea to his mom.

i have been told that this is very hard for some people to work on. i hope for everyone's sake that it is talked about, written down, and properly signed, because no one knows what could happen nor when. i truely sympathize with your plight; it is all too often the case that there is no one to provide relief (respite) care. but if your mother has certain kinds of insurance, they often will pay for end of life care in the home: housekeeping, shopping, personal care (bathing), etc.

i wish you the very best in receiving support in this most trying of life tasks~!
Gus

Thank you Gus.

Perhaps you may find something useful here:

All About Fear
http://www.psychologytoday.com/basics/fear

SETTING LIMITS AS A CAREGIVER
http://www.strengthforcaring.com/man...s-a-caregiver/

Caregiving Support & Help
http://helpguide.org/elder/caring_for_caregivers.htm

Caregiver Stress & Burnout
http://helpguide.org/elder/caregiver_stress_burnout.htm

Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/***...2/METHOD=print

When and How To Say "No" to Caregiving
http://www.caregiver.com/articles/pr..._to_say-no.htm

Medicare - Caregiving
http://www.medicare.gov/campaigns/ca...caregiver.html

Stardusted, would it be possible for your mother-in-law to go into an assisted living facility? It would relieve some of the stress from your husband by having her live somewhere that professionals could tend to her needs.

I'm also go to second some things others said. There needs to be a durable power of attorney in place so a loved one is making decisions for her if she is unable to make them. Also agree with those who suggested having a plan in place with the siblings BEFORE it's necessary.

Having been in this situation before....... siblings can do and say all they want but it is the person who needs care has the final say. Maybe your mother in law would be happy to go into care, maybe she wouldn't. Maybe she will not need that type of care as something else may happen in the meantime.

None of us can know. Plans can be made and then fall. Stardusted.... all you can do is let your hubby do what he says. Try and step back. Try not to think about it. It really isn't your responsibility. trust your hubby.

I think your anxiety is very well-founded. This is especially true, since your husband's sibs live at a distance. I'll wager a bet that the likelihood that your mother-in-law will move to live with one of the sibs is rather low.

Sounds like your husband already does the lion's share of keeping tabs on his Mom. The sibs may be happy to leave it that way. Since she is very elderly, it is likely that the need to make some arrangement that provides her with more support will come up fairly soon.

I don't think there would be anything wrong with asking you husband what does he envision as a possible way to meet that need, as it emerges. People do tend to envision these things, while not always sharing their vision with others. If he envisions something that you would not be okay with, this might be the time to help him envision something else.

Also, his mother has a responsibility to be envisioning what she thinks would be a potential arrangement. I have to give my own late father a lot of credit that he came right out and said that he expected that he would move to a nursing home, if he got to where he couldn't manage in his own home by himself. Five months before he died, that is what he did. He didn't have any hard feelings that anyone had "put" him there.

I wish you well in getting this sorted out. Your concerns are very appropriate, in my view.