[Mae Bee]

In a nutshell- grew up with single parent Mum and 1 sister. Very unsettled life. Loved sister and looked up to her. She in turn, beat me up constantly, didn't let me eat food, stole my toys and pretended I'd lost them so I never got another one, asked me to hand over any money I got and later money I earned (I did), tore up clothes I was complimented about, tore up books and posters I loved, killed my bird, etc. My mum always told me to ignore her tantrums because my sister was a great person at heart, never stepped in when I was being beaten, apologised on my sister's behalf so sister never had to and said her traumatic childhood excused it.
I distanced myself physically but sent money and came to help when anything would go wrong. And somehow, things would go wrong when my job was going right. Lost 3 jobs because they cooked up excuses saying I was needed back home. Last time I saw them my head was banged till it bled. My mother held me still, my sister beat me while her friend guarded the door. My mother's reasoning? That after years of taking beatings I was actually hitting my sister back. The reason for the beating? That I was cooking and eating food (when at home, I'd get a bag of chips or something for myself and munch it so I wouldn't be a burden at home).
Anyhow, I cut all contact with both. Now I hear through valid sources that my sister is leaving town and selling our house. I know she craves the fast life and will probably move to a new city where she can pretend to be someone she isn't and hurt other people. My mother is going to need somewhere to stay and I've always been there for her before, no matter what. Earlier, when I started to see what my sister was, I saw my mum as just another victim but I know now she was the enabler. If she'd stepped in and held my sister still when I was first beaten, my sister may not have evolved into the monster she is. She never tried to make my sister behave properly, or talk to her about her issues, she just excused it all. I have now grown to hate my mother as much as I hate my sister. But friends and extended family tell me that if I don't take care of my mother now, I might regret it later in life. I just don't know how to help someone who never helped me. More importantly, how do I live with my mum when just looking at her will anger me?

[Travelinglady]

I'm wondering how old your mother is and if she can live alone. My personal opinion is you don't need to set yourself up in a situation where you could be abused again.

I suggest you also talk to a therapist/counselor and see what advice you get there. Please don't let yourself be "guilted" into further damaging your mental health..... It sounds like your mother and your sister have serious mental health problems.

[Mae Bee]

Thank you for replying. My mother is in her 60s but cannot live alone. She never has. Even when separated from my father she lived at a facility where you got cooked meals and bills were paid by the facility, all she had to do was work 5 to 6 hours a day. But if you hear her talk about it, you'll think she was a slave somewhere. She's an expert at playing the "poor me" card. As soon as she reconciled with my dad, she stopped doing anything but torturing him. He got no food, no water, had to live in a shoddy extension to the main house when we had rooms not being used at all. When he tried to get family friends or church elders to talk to her, she'd cook up such a long list of grievances and sidetrack his situation so completely that it was my dad who ended up being lectured. The last time I went to her place, I had been refusing to go for over a yearso she cooked up terminal illness. The minute she told me, I replied that I think it's probably a lie...but I still went.

I really want to stay away. I know I'll get a really bad reputation if she ends up in a charitable old age home. I live in a small old fadhioned town. But I'd rather take that than keep her with me. I'm angry right now...but give it a month or two of "I lost my youth because of you" and I'll be guilt tripped again into giving her everything of mine. Yet a part of me thinks I should help her out. She did keep me with her for a decade and before my sister became what she is and my mother became bitterness personified, we did have some laughs. Moreover, I keep getting told that as I get older I'll really regret not trying to patch things up with my mother.
So here I am -90% saying no, 10% saying I guess I should.