[Confessa]

Hi - I had originally came to the site wanting to speak with a psychologist, but it seems I can't log in to ask. So, I just wanted to state that I am having major problems in my relationship. I have finally 'labeled' him a narcissistic psychopath after 5 years of frustration. It hurts me deeply to say that and I am by no means a qualified counselor to actually judge this.

I need some help. Every shred of dignity I had has been torn from me. I am constantly frustrated. I have nightmares about our relationship. Everytime we start up counseling, he will say, "You really need it. You're sick." It is actually HIM who is the person who needs help. I have gone through all my past hurts and woes and put them out to the garbage. But he constantly brings up my past, tells me I am stupid and forgetful, calls me horrible names. Really, now, I can't remember things. Five years of abuse is taking its toll on me. I have tried everything EVERYTHING! Every piece of joy is stripped from me. You ask why I stay? Because I am stuck here and I really want to make to make every possible effort to make this work. I want a home. I want someone to love and respect me. Perhaps in some unknown way I need to stay.

But, I am at the point now, I am just really ready to just leave it all behind. I don't want to. But I don't want to continue on. I don't want empathy from anyone or for anyone to insult me or try to be on my side. I want to know what to do - how do you deal with someone like this. I have no tools in my psychological department. I am not asking him to love me anymore to his face. I wrote him a letter today and gave it to him to read, as he refuses to talk with me. I've got 5 years of hurt and frustration stuffed down inside and I have not out.

Needless to say, when we went to couples counseling, we had had a bad day with each other and the counselor saw a not so good side of either one of us and they made us start doing individual counseling. Well, that didn't work out. When you need help and guidance, you need it right then and there. Well, counselors need their time, too. I know that. But I just don't know what to do when he starts screaming and yelling at me. I don't know how to tell him how he is hurting me and really understand.

I am just sick. SICK. I feel invisible and like I am living with a rebellious teenager. He made me stop wearing makeup when we first got together. Then when I didn't wear it, he acted ashamed of me. It goes on and on and on just like that. He wants me to be pretty and gorgeous but on the other hand when I am he feels insecure and tears me down. When I am down he blabls to everyone I have problems. He can't see past his nose. He tells me everything bad that he actually is. It is like he is seeing me as what he really is. I don't know how else to explain it. He will turn everything around and say it is me doing it and it is HIM. He is a police officer, and it is really supposed to be an honorable position and I am shocked that someone like that got the position. Because he has this position, I am automatically the bad guy, both from his point of view and anyone elses.

The question that was realllllly reallly bothering that I wanted to ask was that IF he gets me a card of flower with a card attached - he always states "I love you" but he NEVER signs his name. I think that very odd and was wondering if it is just another ploy of his or is this a normal thing? When I read the cards, it would be very nice to have his name signed. This is just one little thing out of the many things he does. By itself, it probably doesn't seem like anything, but when coupled with the other things going out, it is making me wonder - help - thank you

[leaJ]

Oh boy...
There are two things that I think you should look into that might help you understand what's going on in your relationship.
One:
Gaslighting - Ask.com Encyclopedia
Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse when the abuser attempts to control the other by making them think they are crazy (which increases your dependence on him)
and also...
google police officers and sociopathic tenancies. There is alot of research that has been done about certain prefessions that tend to attract sociopaths, because a position of authority gives them an outlet for their sociopathic behaviors.
I hope this helps you.
Also...if he is anything like my bf, he will refuse to read any of that, but if you think he might, it may help to e-mail him the links or approach him when he is in the right type of mood and just ask him to look at it and consider that he may also be part of the problem, obviously without sounding like you are placing all the blame on him because that will just make him defensive.

[Jannaku]

I have spent the last 25 years of my life with a narcissistic husband. Being in a relationship with narcs is the most soul destroying experience. The one thing that they do is destroy your sense of self and with that goes your self esteem, confidence, etc. Don't for one minute think that you will be able to change them since they can not see that they have any problems. All and any problems in your relationship come from you in their mind. They have no empathy so getting them to read a letter or even having a discussion is a waste of time. You need to build up your self again and if you can do that you will also build up the courage to remove yourself from this emotional abuse. Take care and all the best.

[Janae]

What you wrote is very similar to what I've been experiencing the last seven years. No compassion for my difficulties, inability to discuss things without flying off the handle in a PTSD sort of way, psychopath, sociopath, narcisstic, ??? I have no idea. I only know I can't live that way any longer.

My situation was complicated by being the only person with a steady income. I paid the rent and utilities; he was not willing to be put out, and I was afraid to try to make him go. He never hit me but looked pretty scary at times and was verbally, emotionally, mentally abusive.

Finally he got an income (social security, at age 62) and now wants to try living alone again. Happy me... I might continue the relationship (but not as a live-in companion) but only if he refrains from belittling me in the future. If he can't do that, I'll have to cut off all contact.

We deserve better treatment. Compassionate people are out there; we just have to go find them.