Marriage is about to fail

My wife and I are still newlyweds. She's 45 and I'm 43. We've only been married 8 months and our living arrangements are becoming unbearable.

My wife suffers from Fibromyalgia and depression. When the fibro hits (and it usually does this time of year), her depression sinks. She says it takes everything out of her just to get out of bed...and when she does, it hurts so much that she has to go sit/lay on the couch.

She's been married twice before and in both relationships, her ex-husbands were the ones to leave....all because they didnt understand her depression, called her lazy, and told her to "snap out of it". Eventually, both left her. She has the tendency to push her husbands away.....and she realizes that.

For the last 6 weeks, I have literally "moved" downstairs in our finished basement. She has told me that her feeling towards me are completely numb and that she has no feelings whatsoever. She cant explain why and when I try to dig a little more, she get agitated and shuts down. All she says lately is "I dont know".

She agreed to see a marriage counselor with me and we went last Tuesday. Nothing really came out of it because my wife rated herself a "2" out of "10" on being happy in general. The therapist concluded that it would be unwise to make any life-changing decisions when one is "rated" that low. It's best to have a clear mind to make those types of decisions and I tend to agree. My wife agreed to take a referral from the therapist to get more help for herself. The therapist concluded that once she is ready and a higher level, she will continue to work with us. My wife attended a 6 week outpatient program about 4 months ago and came out of it a winner. I was so proud of her and she was like her old self.

In those 6 weeks, our communication level is basically non-existent. Any conversation we have last no more than 2 minutes before I start feeling like I'm interrogating her. I try to have a normal conversation, but like she told the therapist, I'm annoying her and just wants to be left alone. She cannot give an explanation as to why...just that she feels numb with me. She's fine with her kids and with some of her friends.

A part of me thinks she cant tell me to leave but wants to tell me.

I'm lost and not sure what to expect, what to do, etc. I made a promise to her a long time ago when she depressed that I would never leave her like her past ones have. She's a great gal....beautiful, kind hearted, loving, and generous.

She's worth the wait. I just dont want to "move on" with my life (just like the others did), and have any regrets once she gets better and always ask...."what if I just waited". I made a promise "for better and for worse". Well, this is the worse and I tend to keep my vow.

Any advise would help.

Thanks

Is your wife seeing a psychiatrist? Is she taking medication for her depression? If not she probably needs to be. Sounds like she is not able pull herself out of this depressive episode. If she is taking medication, she probably needs to talk her doctor.

Kudos to you for sticking it out. My husband has stood by me through good and bad and I don't know how he has done it at times, because I'm pretty difficult sometimes.

She's the love of my life and I would do anything for her. Yes, she is on some meds for basically every symptom she has. Pain meds for her Fibro and anti-depressants for her depression. She's happy and OK around her kids...just not around me.

Her back has been hurting for the last couple if weeks (didn't find out until 2 days ago). Finally saw a chiropractor and got the results yesterday. Lots if misalignments and physical therapy 2-3 times a week for the next 3-4 months.

I don't want to up and leave her. She's had that done to her before in the past. Like I said, I made a vow and I tend to keep it unless she flat out tells me to leave. I just don't know what to do. I don't text her. We hardly talk. I know communication is vital, but any conversation we have is minimal.

It is good of you to seek help for both of you...thank you for sharing...

Feeling lost is normal...given your situation...

First thoughts...do not make ANY assumptions...or take anything personally...

Another thought...I WAS diagnosed with fibromyalgia in the past...turned out I had Celiac Disease...got the gluten out of me (had to go 100% gluten-free for life) and the fibro went away...along with a lot of other medical problems the gluten was causing...has your wife been blood tested for Celiac? (If not, she should get a "Celiac blood panel", but should NOT stop,eating gluten-containing foods before being tested, or the test will not be accurate). If she is either a Celiac or gluten-sensitive, it can cause all sorts of problems...including worsening depression. If the test for Celiac Disease comes back negative, she can still be gluten-sensitive...THEN going gluten-free is a way to see if she feels better.

I remember not wanting to be touched, as it would hurt...in an intimate relationship, it can be tough. Does she have pain when you touch her? Sounds that way from your share.
Does she feel guilty around you because of it, and so has shut down all feelings? Can you ask her that?

Has she any idea what about your relationship, or marriage in general, is making her feel sad? Any history of dysfunctional family issues that cause her to withdrawal, misinterpret your words or any man's words? Does she acknowledge anything specific about herself that needs working on...low self-esteem, anything...Do you also have any such history, or have things you feel you may also need to work on ? Might help her access her own if you can and share with her...Just thoughts...

In any case, terrific of you to not leave her... 8 months is such little time, and a marriage truly takes time to form, especially under these circumstances...

Congrats to you for reaching out for support... make sure you know your limits, though...living in a basement (if you do not snore) is something you obviously cannot do forever. I hope she is at least able to appreciate that you are giving her space and sees that you want for you both to find the answers... they ARE there... perhaps telling her you believe that together you will find the answers will help? Have you told her you believe in tour love? Depression can cause people to become hopeless...reassurance and faith can go a long way... sounds like you have that to give... she is lucky...but, depression can make it hard to value ourselves and therefore others, too...

Thank you, again, for the detailed share. I hope things improve.
God bless you both, Chloe

PS: Yes...psychiatrist care is important, too!

I see we were typing at the same time...glad to know she is seeing a psychiatrist.

Hi Chloe:

Thanks for responding. It has been extremely tough and I do realize that it is a long road ahead and I'm willing to stick it out whatever the outcome will be. She deserves that.....

I've never heard of Celiac Disease. I will ask her about it next time I see/speak with her. As for the touching her...I haven't touched her in almost 4 weeks or so....literally. No touching, kissing, hugging. No physical contact whatsoever. She does hurt. I remember giving her massages to help the pain, but now...nothing. Dont know about the guilty part of it. She just doesn't want to be touched at all.

Like everyone, we all have a past. Her's was a rough one. Full of neglect...which plays a part in all of this. She's a VERY independent person. I have told her how much I believe in us and how our love can get through this. I always use the word "us" when talking about this issue. It reminds and instills in her that she is NOT alone.

Chloe.....thanks for the hope. It's extremely hard and torture going through this. Knowing she is literally right above me from my bedroom downstairs in the basement. I can almost smell her lotion that she puts on at night! I miss her terribly.

Brad

Hi Brad,

You're welcome~

Glad that my reply gave you more hope that what is now a very frustrating and ambivalent situation will turn out to be perhaps the ultimate glue that brings your hearts deeply together.

About Celiac Disease... I just read that the prevalence is not any higher in those diagnosed with fibromyalgia (about 1.1% of all people), but it cannot hurt for her to be blood tested, if she has not already been.

Keep us updated...and God bless!
Chloe

Hi Chloe:

Last night, she asked me to rub her neck and back as they were extremely hurtful last. Good small step to start. I rubbed for nearly 2 hours until she finally fell asleep. I then went back downstairs to my bed. Didnt want to push it.

Woke up this morning and went and got her a coffee. She did give me a nice hug and a kind thank you. This is more communication in the last 12 hours than we had in the last 3 weeks. Small steps.

I did bring up the Celiac disease and she said she will look into it. She had mentioned that she's trying more gluten free stuff lately. She also mentioned that she has more energy but still a lot of pain.

Taking it one day at a time...

Thanks again for your words of encouragement. It really does help.

Brad

You say she's fine with other people but is that just your assessment? I know I look down right bubbly around others. I just used the bathroom and shower more. It wasn't until my husband walked in on me that he realized I was full on hyperventilating bawling when I used the bathroom and then pulling myself together within the two Minutes, making myself look and practicing acting bubbly. You do what you have to to make others happy and not concerned. She trusts you enough to be honest, as much as you hate it she doesn't hide from you.

If you want to sleep in the same room ask even if you don't sleep in the same bed being there may show her that no matter what you are there and won't let her push you away. It'll also provide you both comfort. Honestly it sounds like she doesn't want you to know how bad it is and using the room as her comfort zone.

Hi Brad,

Thank you for continuing to share.
It is good news that your wife asked you to help her in such a one-on-one manner! How lucky she is that you are determined to care for her.

Her already using some gluten-free foods is good and bad...good because she already umderstands the link between diet and health...bad because she is not eating gluten as she normally did before, so...as I mentioned, she could end up with "non-positive results" on the antibodies testing, even if she is a celiac... she could end up with antibodies being detected, but not enough to be told 'you are a celiac'...so, IF she is going to be blood tested for Celiac Disease, she should eat at least 2 pieces wheat bread daily (or equivalent of) for about 2 weeks before she is tested. OR, she can 'simply' avoid the test altogether and go 100% gluten-free for at least two weeks to see if she feels significantly differently...that is tricky to do, because gluten is in SO many things...even most lipsticks... it is a glue-like substance. It's in most soy sauces, as wheat is used as a filler...it's also found in many 'natural flavorings,' as barley enzymes are often used to extract them. Barley is in the wheat family...anything in the wheat family cannot be safely consumed by celiacs.She would have to avoid using a wooden spoon to cook with even...if it ever stirred regular pasta or touched reular soy sauce, etc...as gluten can hide in the fibers...Also, no wooden cutting boards, if someone ever cut bread on it...there are MANY rules that true Celiacs must follow to not get sick from gluten...

Most people with celiac disease have no idea they have it, yet suffer from all kinds of physical and mental issues... few of us have been properly diagnosed...I was sick for many years before i found out why...

here is a link to info about it...

Home | Celiac Sprue Association

So, if she truly has celiac (1.1% of all people) or is gluten-sensitive (at least 6% of the general population), she would need to stop eating all sources of gluten to really feel better...

About non-celiac gluten sensitivity...from that site:

"What are the symptoms of non-celiac gluten sensitivity?
Non-celiac gluten sensitivity shares many symptoms with celiac disease. However, according to a collaborative report published by Sapone et al. (2012), individuals with non-celiac gluten sensitivity have a prevalence of extraintestinal or non-GI symptoms, such as headache, “foggy mind,” joint pain, and numbness in the legs, arms or fingers. Symptoms typically appear hours or days after gluten has been ingested, a response typical for innate immune conditions like non-celiac gluten sensitivity."

Well...don't want to harp on the gluten thing... it's just that IF it is causing her pain, the only way to stop it from doing so is to get ALL glutens out of her body...that would also mean including not even kissing you if you are drinking a regular beer, or if you just ate a regular bread sandwich, etc... (you would need to rinse well and/or brush/floss). It IS something she SHOULD find out about, because she has been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and it COULD be caused from glutens, so best for her to find out if that has been the source of her problems.
IF she is either a celiac or 'gluten-sensitive,' it will mean radical changes in her lifestyle.

OK.... that link will tell you and she what you need to know...or anyone else reading this thread... i just wanted to emphasize the magnitude of what it would mean to find out if gluten is the problem... of course, no longer having fibromyalgia would be great... if she is 'only' gluten-sensitive, she can worry a bit less about contamination... but, true celiacs must not get contaminated to stay well.

Since it is the holidays, if she is going to plan to be blood tested for Celiac, she will probably want to wait until after the new year...and she can eat all the wheat-based holiday foods she wants during this time, to make sure the test is accurate...and, if the test is positive, she will have to say good-bye to those items...

If the blood test is then done and it comes back non-celiac, she can try the 100% gluten-free diet then, to see if she is among the 'gluten-sensitive.'

If neither proves to be the cause of the fibro, at least she still has a husband who is willing to stick with her.

Although, again, I do hope, for your sake, that it will not mean your living in the basement forever...No one is perfect... but, marriage means compromise, and caring for both person's needs. How each couple meets those needs is, of course, totally up to each of them, preferably made together.

One last thing I need to share...I am not totally comfortable with the sharing of physical details... so, my boundary on here is this: hearing about whether or not she ever gets tested or tries the gluten-free diet, hearing if you two end up getting therapy, hearing if you got out of the basement... but, i reflected on the stuff about her body lotion and things like that, and although I totally appreciate your candor, I do not think those details help...since you said you are staying unless she specifically kicks you out...

i need to follow my intuition...and feel good in setting such boundaries...important for me, personally... perhaps not to others, but to me.
Thanks for understanding!

Good luck!
Hope things keep going in a positive direction for you two!
Chloe