Was that cluster b ?!

Hello ! I would like to apologies for imperfect English in advance it is my second language .

Well here is my story with a girl I stayed 2 years with and I would like to know if I was involve in a no win situation or I screwed up. We were both 27 at the time we met.

Before this relationship I had no idea what personality disorder where. I found out about bdp when typing ''ex painted me black'' in google.

Met this girl that was living on my street when I was young and we immediately hit it off. She fell in love very hard and very fast. We only had 3-4 dates and she had to leave for a few months and she literally bombarded me with emails for 4 month. Close to 150 email if I had to guess. At one point I was telling my uncle that I wish she would just lay back a bit on the emailing since it was a bit intense. She also sang songs that she sent me !!

She left me no choice when she got back she did everything for me. I had pretty serious health issues and she took care of me like a goddess giving me massage everyday, cooking for me etc...

She told me how much she loved me many many times every day. Talk on how I was the love of her life. It got to the point I had to tell her to back away from the I love you.

Here's a few thing I noticed right from the start.

Very anxious and hyper person. Got from hyper happiness to feeling down in the same week. But general mood was always of extreme happiness. Always smiling. Laughing really hard at the smallest things etc. physical appearance was changing a lot from very tired run down to normal depending on the day and circumstance.

Very expressive and emotional.

Looked permanently stressed and scared , hypochondria, fear of a lot of things. Alot of anxiety and depression that would come and go.

Hypersexual, like always always thinking about sex. It's like she could never be filled up. Sex was amazing she would laugh and cry after orgasm. But there was always something weird about it on my part it felt like I only wanted to have very porn like sex instead of the more romantic regular sex couple generally have from time to time.

Very insecure. Like a little child. Felt I had to take care of her. Also huge fear of abandonment. She would always comes up with those random sentence ''you won't leave me'' ''what happen if we get separated ?! '' . I tough in my mind this girl will never leave me and it was a scary tough to see that level of attachment and a bit heavy . If we had the smallest arguments she would hide my key so I would not leave and say sorry for the smallest things we actually almost never fight. She would sometime rage at me and run after me with her fist in the air but I would just turn it around and laugh about it with her.

Very emotional and expressive. Laugh really really loud would always be very happy and sometimes talk very very fast ( I always made fun of that )

I was idealized way too much. Everything revolved around me my passion started becoming her interest too. Felt like I was elevated to godlike status and it lasted for a long time 1 year and a half.

I knew this girl had issues in the past she lost her mother when a teenager which she seem to have a weird relationship with to begin with. She was abuse when she was young I never dig too much into the story but it was from an uncle in a tent.

She has been with many many partner before when she was living in Asia. Did a lot of drug when she was a teenager etc.

Her ex were often depicted has looser or abusive. Although she always left then for some shady reasons.

She is a party girl and she likes the attention in group especially when she has a couple drink ( she really enjoy drinking ). But when going out with me she was more chilled out and calm.

Very easy to influence by friend, familly, lover. She seek other people approval a lot.

Another thing I noticed was the very intense jealousy. Always thinking I was looking other girls or thinking about cheating.
From time to time she would also distort and change things I would say to make it sound more awful or plat the victim l. It was not too bad and I would call her on it but still happened.

Anyways a lot of red flags there and a lot of sign of bdp/hpd

But our relationship was smooth for the most part. I had an abusive relationship in the past so I had very strict boundaries and she respected me a lot for that. She told me a lot that she needed someone like me in her life. She had plan of children with me and wanted to propose to me. I could see tough that if I had been weaker she could have potentially try to walk all over me.

In a couple of month everything turned to vinegar and I have to say I started it by a couple of time having doubt about children and also one night telling her I was not sure and scared to hurt her feeling in the future ( I know slap myself). Telling her I dreamed about my ex and that's why I got confused ouchhh .

Well those doubt were very good for me because they made me realized how much I cared about her. And from that moment on I started to get my **** together and never doubted again. But some damage was done and she lost feeling for me over the course of a few months.

During that period I had very tough time with my business and was very depress. I was a shell of my former self. And that's were real trouble started. Basically she started to become very critical of me. Painting me black. It was a bit ridiculous the way I spoke on the phone...way I dressed etc etc . She started talking to an ex on internet. Started to talk about my personal issue to all her friend.
I was so busy with work issues that I did not react fast enough.
And eventually after she wrote me a big letter I said on the phone we might need a break and she left the next day like a maniac. She went to live with her psychologist couple friends for a month and i had no idea were she was.

Anyways I was very hurt and damage by that break up and it led me into a dark hole. I felt very depress and like my whole world had collapse. My business was going badly . My health was bad too and now my girlfriend who I tough was my life partner left.

I since learned about bdp/hpd and feel like she fit pretty much a lot the traits. But some things do not add up.

She was always very caring for me and often put my need in front of hers up until I disappointed her.
She was not crazy like i can read from other stories... Cutting herself cheating non-stop and verbally abusing me ( we almost never had real couple fights)
For the most part the relationship was amazing although she could be sometimes difficult and emotionally draining.
There was no intense lying physical violence and very little verbal violence. Nothing batshit crazy. No stealing she would always respect the law. Altough she changed job quiet a bit and she had some chaotic relationship friendship in the past ( all her friend turned against her in high school and she led a crazy life in Asia ) she is mostly someone who posses above average social skills ...people at parties naturally revolve around her because she is easy to approach and she is a master at seducing.

Anyways I would like some opinions. Does this look like personality disorder or I am trying to make myself feel better here because I lost my girlfriend.

After 6 months I am still totally broken by this break up no one in my life loved me so intensely and I had a couple of great romance in the past. She took care of me like an angel. I miss her so much. And I am always thinking that if I did this or that differently she would still be mine.

I have to admit I took her for granted a bit and was not always the best boyfriend.

Any opinions and advice ?!

Well, obviously can't diagnose her, but if I had to guess I think she definately has a lot of traits of BPD....but honestly, more of HPD. The differences are subtle but they are there.

I'm sorry you were hurt (and I groaned out loud when you said you told her you were having doubts, and that you dreamed about your ex....sheesh). But fact is, she probably didn't leave you because of that. Her underlying issues, whatever they were, instigated the break up....that might have been the catalyst, I doubt sincerely it was the cause.

One thing you need to do (and I know it's difficult) is to stop thinking 'what if' or 'if only'.....probably nothing you would have done would have prevented this from happening eventually. Right now, you have to think of your own emotional health, and berating yourself, or wondering if you could have stopped it, just keeps you in the past....and it's very difficult to move on if you're stuck there.

Again, I'm very sorry you were hurt. I know you may not want to right now, but the sooner you feel better about yourself, the sooner you'll meet someone who really IS your life-partner.

Take care

thx for the answer ...
How can I make sure that is what she had. I want to know if she ever comes around I will keep my guard up alot more.

we met a few week after the break up and she told me she still loved me and If I could change if we gave eachother a chance. I made a big mistake and started pleading with her I even cried for like 30 sec (slap myself) . We the kissed and said yes for a chance. We met a few days later and I was split totally black again and it was the last time. She texted me after 4 month to wish me a happy easter tell me her life had been hard and if I would sell her my car ??! lol

anyways anyone else has insight ?

I had a similar experience with a woman you described.
It was actually an affair.
Although I knew my stand and I'm firm that there will not be feelings involved.
I initiated the breakup. However, these people are so good at it that I realised I am beginning to have feelings for this woman.
I am slowing releasing and forgetting these feelings.
Me too wondering if she is bpd/hpd.

My experience is exactly what u describe.
Putting herself first and all that
However at times I feel it isn't real love on her part.
As she moved on too quickly. She actually had this new guy lined up I believed.
They have a great intuition sense you're leaving.
She's a lying ***** by the way. Full of lies.