Narcissistic friends can be just as damaging as narcissistic partners

The internet is flooded with articles and blogs about all sorts of emotional manipulators. But those articles usually describe toxic relationships with someone who they were romantically and sexually involved with. I’m sure there are a lot of people who find themselves trapped by manipulators and have a platonic relationship with them.
I haven’t seen my former “friend” (let’s call him Ben) in over two years but I still find myself thinking about him from time to time…especially lately. Now and then another memory that I have completely forgotten about pops right back into my mind and gives me just another reason to remember why it was the right choice to leave him behind. That’s why I decided to write this post…to warn anyone who has a manipulator for a friend. And to maybe get some feedback.

So…here’s my story.

Ben and I were classmates in elementary school but I didn’t befriend him until the 4th grade. I have no idea what I was thinking when I started to hang out with him because I didn’t like him very much to begin with. I guess by the 8th grade I kind of forced myself into liking him. He was the popular one. The class president, girls loved him, he was invited to birthday parties of all the “cool” people. I just kind of tagged along although I didn’t really want to.
And after a while the comments began: I wasn’t wearing the right clothes, my hair wasn’t stylish enough, my friends do not deserve me… Everything I said was at some point turned against me. He even convinced me to fill out his tests at the expense of mine. I remember one time when he got an A in math (with my help) and I got a C or a B. I wouldn’t hear the end of it. He would brag about how he did so much better than I did for days. But I went on anyway. I still remember the feeling when I came home shaking and crying. Elementary school was just torture. But in all fairness, he had a very difficult childhood and an abusive father.

And then we went to high school. We both decided to choose the same one (we choose our career path very early in our country). And of course he won over almost everybody (except a few people; two of them are my best friends now). He was class president again, he ridiculed me… He was just a very special kind of bully. That’s when the warnings began. Some of my classmates (the ones he didn’t win over) tried really hard to warn me that it’s very obvious he’s using me but I just wouldn’t believe them. I always responded defensively: “You don’t know him like I do.” This went on until he failed the 2nd grade (10th grade I guess by the US standards). He was very depressed at that time because of the things that were happening at home. A year or so after that he ran away from home to the UK. And suddenly I started to get along with my classmates. I’m not going to bore you with all the details that happened in that time…things just got much better for a while. I made new friends and gained a little bit of confidence. But when his parents got divorced he came back. Then he started screwing my cousin’s husband. He told me after a while. I remember telling him that I thought it was wrong and somehow he convinced me again that it’s fine. He even tried to make me get in contact with him when they lost touch.
After high school kids grow up and stop bullying everybody, right? Wrong!

When I was done with high school I went to the university. I met a lot of new people there, two of my classmates from high school went to the same university (the ones I mentioned before…the ones who didn’t fall for his charms). And I had a very, very good time. I saw Ben every other weekend, although we talked on the phone almost every day. And it went on like that until about the end of the 3rd year of the university. That’s when the worst part started.
He started claiming he had been seeing ghosts and that he had some sort of psychic and healing powers. He spoke with such conviction I just believed him after a while. His mother, sister and another mutual friend, who I got along with very well, were all convinced he was all he said he was. Oh, by the way, he was acting like a totally different person when he was around this mutual friend. I asked him once what that was about but he insisted he didn’t change his behavior. They were all wrapped around his finger as well (still are I guess). The four of us were the ones he manipulated the most. We all thought that we were the only ones that see how special he is and that other people just don’t understand.

When I finished my last year of the university I moved back into my parent’s house. After that we were together every day, I even slept over at his house when he was afraid of ghosts. When I met with my other friends he always called me with a new ghost emergency so of course I ran over to help calm him down. Then after a while I just stopped telling him that I was meeting my friends. I remember when one of my other friends went away for a few months and she had a going away party. He called me nonstop. I was supposed to sleep over and say goodbye but of course I went to Ben’s place again. The same thing happened when she came back. She had a party again and I just couldn’t have a good time because of all the phone calls. And it didn’t even occur to me that he was being jealous and selfish. He needed attention from other people like a child. Of course he projected his need for attention on us and convinced us that we were all that he really was.

Around this time he started going to psychotherapy, which just made him worse. I think he observed his therapist very carefully and somehow learned new manipulative tactics through her.

Anyway, he claimed he met a woman in the US when he was vacationing there. She supposedly had special abilities just like him. He exchanged e-mails with her, he went to his room and talked to her for long periods of time (even though I never heard any voices coming from his room), he talked about her constantly. He made us (his mother, his sister and me) feel like we weren’t good enough for him because we couldn’t live up to the reputation of that imaginary person. A year after he “met her” she mysteriously and very suddenly died. He mourned her like crazy. None of us even suspected that she wasn’t real. And he had yet another reason to get our attention.
I even quit my job because he said my coworkers were using me. I guess I just got along with them too well and enjoyed my job too much for his taste. He really made a project out of it. He tried to convince me to quit for quite a while. I finally gave in and broke all contact with them.
He convinced his sister that her best friend was using her. After a while she just stopped talking to her. He tried to talk his mother into the same thing. He insisted that my friends and family were abusing and using me. Thankfully I didn’t break contact with my friends completely. All of us stayed almost alone and the only support we had in the end was Ben.
After proclaiming himself a messiah (yeah, he really said that), we were all eating out of his hand and believed everything he said. He had us on some sort of spiritual roller coaster and continued to convince us that we weren’t good enough for him. He blew up every time any one of us said something he didn’t like so by the end I barely even spoke my mind. I knew exactly what was acceptable and what wasn’t (talk about walking on eggshells). Of course his rules of “acceptability” kept on changing and there was even more yelling and screaming. Every time anyone didn’t agree with him he would blow up like a crazy person.

When we were all certain that he was telling the truth and nothing but the truth all the time he convinced me to go to psychotherapy so I would see what my family was really like (because I still defended them from time to time). In the beginning it was working. I trashed my family and I only told her (my therapist) good things about Ben. I told Ben everything that happened in my sessions. What I found interesting even then was that he wanted to know exactly what I told her about him. I guess he was afraid she would figure him out. After a while she (the therapist) said a few times that there’s something missing and wanted me to think about that. I couldn’t figure out what it was. That was an opportunity for Ben to fill in the blank. He really dedicated his time to this new project. He tried to convince me that my father had sexually molested me when I was a child and that I don’t remember. One evening he brought that up and we talked about it until five in the morning. I resisted for a long time but then he started to lose his patience and, once again, I gave in (I really was afraid of his outbursts and that was his final resort…to get impatient). I didn’t believe it for a long time but he kept on talking about it. After a while I brought it up to my therapist and she agreed that this could be the missing piece of the puzzle and that there’s a possibility that I just don’t remember it. So I started to believe it. Ben suggested that I should visit my father’s ex wife, so I did. I found out a lot of things about my father, but nothing that could help me remember this horrible event which never happened. I had a headache almost every day (I rarely have headaches) along with an occasional stomachache when he was at his worst. This insanity went on for a few months and then there it was...the final red flag (after countless of them before it) and the moment I realized what kind of a person he really was.

I really want to describe this part in detail because I find it so unbelievable how little it took for me to figure out how manipulative he was.
Tuesday, April 10th 2012:

I just came out of the house when my phone rang. It was Ben. He said he was driving somewhere and that my father had just overtook him on the motorway. He said that my dad was driving very fast and that he got a strong negative feeling from him. He was convinced it was my dad in the car. He went on and on about how horrible he is until he arrived to his destination. After we had stopped talking I was doing something in the garden and then I went inside. I went to the living room and there was my dad. I just stood there speechless for a while. Then I went to the garage to check out if his car is in. And of course it was. I couldn’t make sense of it: “Was Ben lying? But he said he felt a very strong vibe from the person driving the car. Is it possible that another person was driving another car that was exactly like my dad’s? What the hell is going on?” I couldn’t stop thinking about that little incident. After a while I started remembering things that didn’t quite make sense in the past. Like the psychic woman who was just like him and who nobody has ever seen.
We spoke later that day and I told him that my dad was home when he told me he overtook him on the motorway. He didn’t believe me and he said that he felt that it was my dad. Then he kept on repeating: “Are you sure he was home? I can’t believe I was wrong.” To this day I have no idea whether he was lying or just believed what he felt. I spent the rest of the day thinking about the past and all the strange things that happened. In the evening I talked to my mother about what happened. She never liked Ben to begin with…she warned me many times about him in the past. I told her almost everything (except the cousin’s husband’s affair) and she was so happy that I finally figured it out she cried. I’ll never forget how she helped me that night.

Wednesday, April 11th 2012:
I had my 15th or 16th therapy session that day. I told my therapist what happened the day before and my real past with Ben. She couldn’t believe she never noticed that he was too good to be true (that’s how I presented him). That session strengthened my confidence a little bit more.
In the afternoon I spoke to one of my best friends about it and I was even more convinced that he’s manipulating me. After that I started reading about manipulators, narcissists, sociopaths and I found some stories from other people who were emotionally sucked dry. I couldn’t believe how many people like that existed. I really lived in my own little gullible world where everyone is good and nobody wishes anyone harm. I stayed up really long reading those articles and forums.

Thursday, April 12th 2012:
I kept on reading the entire day and I didn’t speak to Ben at all. He just sent me one text. His sister had a final exam and he was waiting for her to come out which, of course, was a huge inconvenience for him. I didn’t write back.

Friday, April 13th 2012:
Yes, it really was Friday the 13th.
I had decided to call him in the morning just to see if I was right. I didn’t reach him at first. He called back in a while and screamed about how I hadn’t called him the day before and that I could have at least texted him back and that I didn’t congratulate his sister for graduating. This time I didn’t get all panicky and afraid of his reaction. I said I didn’t know she had graduated because no one told me until that point. He went ballistic: “How dare you talk to me like that?! You’re so inconsiderate!” I didn’t say anything. I was just standing there feeling so good that I can finally see his true colours. Then he finally hung up and I didn’t call him back right away like I usually do. After that the postman came and I went out to get mail. When I came back I had a missed call from Ben and a voice mail. I listened to the message and he had accused me of being a bad friend and he said that he doesn’t know me anymore. I showed it to my therapist the following week and her reaction totally convinced me I was right.

About a month later I finally summoned the courage to return his things to him and just let him know I don’t want him anywhere near me.
I had dreams about him a long time after the last time we spoke. I dreamed that he was lying on the roof window of my bedroom dressed in a black coat. Another recurring one was him walking into my bedroom, again in a black coat. These two often woke me up. I also dreamed that we were friends again.
He wrote me an e-mail in February of last year. I received it right before I went to bed and I couldn’t fall asleep for a long time. My heart was racing for some reason. He thanked me for everything I had done for him. I didn’t respond. He probably thought I would. That’s why he wrote two more e-mails the following month where he actually apologized for being such a jerk. And in the other one he said that he missed me and that now he would leave me alone. Again, I didn’t respond. That got me thinking…maybe he’s being abusive on purpose. Before I just thought he didn’t know what he was doing. Maybe he really is just a sadistic bastard. I don’t know…and it really doesn’t matter anymore.

So, this is my story…or just a little fraction of it. Like I said in the beginning, I found myself thinking about him a lot these days. About a week ago I found out Ben and his mother had opened a business of which the main activity is alternative form of healing. At first it made me laugh but now it kind of bothers me that he still has such power over other people (because this alternative medicine thing is obviously his idea) in his circle and that he’s going to be the “healer” of other people. Oh…and I think I forgot to mention he wants to be a psychotherapist.
I’m kind of surprised I remember everything in such detail. I think I’ve just been lying to myself for the past two years when I tried to convince myself that I’ve forgotten about him. He’s still in my head and I just don’t want him there any longer. My confidence is much better than it was before…I’m finally starting to write my thesis to get my degree (I just couldn’t summon the energy to write it until now) and I’m looking for a job. I applied for a project and there will be a conference in December and we’re going to be on TV. And my first thought was: “Oh, I hope Ben doesn’t see that.” What the hell? Why do I still worry about him after such a long time? I just don’t understand. How have I not gotten over all this insanity yet?
I have really worked on myself and I have spent the past two years getting to know myself again but I still feel kind of stuck and my energy levels aren’t nearly as high as they were three or four years ago. I’ve lost all lust for life and I’m having a hard time getting it back.

Thank you for reading my post and congratulations if you read the whole thing (I really rambled on and on). Didn’t think I would write that much. I really do hope this helps somebody who found themselves in a similar situation. And I would really appreciate some feedback.

Greetings from Europe

Jayman, Thank you for sharing.

Friends can most definitely be abusive.

I haven't had quite the same experience as you, not nearly as bad, but I've had an extremely manipulative friend when I was younger. Met her in my first year of high school, we quickly became best friends. I loved her like a sister. But she was jealous, controlling, spoiled, and thought I owed her everything. She was bad at socializing so she only had me and one other girl as friends, and she was extremely controlling and jealous of us.

She could also be VERY nasty - she always had snarky little comments meant to hurt us at our worst spots whenever we did something that didn't please her. She always had to be in competition with us - somehow had to prove she was better than us, happier than us, had more money than us, etc etc. She continually tried to prove her boyfriend was better than mines. At some point she even tried to fight with me about who had been in the country for longer (we're both Brazilians living in the US), as if that somehow made her better than me.

I told her every detail of my life because she was my best friend, but she used that information to manipulate me and backstab me. The last straw was when I moved into my own place and I was looking to buy some basic stuff, and she offered me this old microwave that her family didn't use anymore because they had a newer, better one. It was just sitting in the closet taking up space, she said. But she wanted me to pay for it, $40 bucks. More than it was worth, but whatever, it's still cheap, and it's from a friend, and after all it's only fair that I pay for it, right? The day we had planned for me to go over to pick it up, I was on my way, and she threw a fit - because my boyfriend at the time was driving me. She didn't want him to drive me and she wouldn't tell me why. She came up with this ridiculous plan where my boyfriend would take me back home, and another mutual friend of ours would go, pick me up, and bring me to her place, to then take me back home and THEN be on his way. I told her how ridiculous this plan was, but she wouldn't listen. I said, no, I'm going over anyway because I'm already on my way.
She couldn't stand not having things her way, so she called the gate and gave them my boyfriend's name with specific instructions to not let him in. She treated him like a criminal. We got to the gate and turned around, I left crying. I don't remember if I texted her then or not, but I went home thinking, "You can keep your stupid microwave, I never want to speak to you again".

That same night, at about three am, she sent me SEVEN text messages, explaining that the reason why she made such a big deal was because she didn't like my boyfriend's driving, and she was worried he would break the glass plate that goes inside the microwave, and I was asking myself, why the hell would that matter to you? I'm buying the stupid thing anyway, so if it breaks, it's on me! But she continued, and she said that she actually wanted the microwave back someday!! She said, ONE DAY, WHENEVER she got around to moving out of her parents' house and got her own place, she would want the microwave back from me... I thought this was absolutely ridiculous, if I buy something, it's mines, it's my money. You have no right to claim I have to take care of it for YOU because YOU want it back. If she wanted it back, she would've given it to me for free with the condition I give it back one day (to which I would've said no to anyway, but that way it would've at least made some more sense). And when I tried telling her, she seriously thought there was nothing wrong with what she did. It has now been over five years since the incident, and she STILL lives with her parents. This is how ridiculous her expectations were.

This was the last straw that broke the camel's back. I stopped contacting her, and when she contacted me, I ignored her. Several months passed by before we exchanged some bad messages through facebook, when she tried making me feel bad and guilty - I was spending new years' in New York and she was in Brazil. I posted a status about my friends making me watch a horror movie I didn't wanna watch, and she thought that was the perfect opportunity to brag about how her new year's was going sooooo much better than mines, and how miserable I was, etc etc. Real nasty and *****y. I tried telling her some of my thoughts and I told her I wish I had never met her. She replied with this nasty attitude, "Sigh, do you really think I'm going to take the time to read what you have to say? Let me think about this..."
I never replied, deleted, and blocked her. Never spoke to her again. Several months later heard from a mutual friend that she would like to be friends again but that I was expecting her to apologize and she would absolutely not do that. That was so funny to me, because she couldn't take a hint - like I would want to be friends with a manipulative, controlling, nasty, spoiled ****** like her again!

She ended up losing all of her friends, AND her boyfriend, because no one could stand her nasty attitude. This one irrelevant girl decided she felt sorry for her and decided she would try hanging out with her. Boy, did she cling to her for dear life! I felt honestly bad, because I thought the trauma of losing everybody in her life would finally make her realize and change, but this one irrelevant girl came in and ruined everything - because she enabled her to continue in her bad ways.

Nowadays I don't hear much about her anymore, but just like you, I still think about her here and there. I loved her like a sister and did everything for her.The little I had, I gave her, but all I heard in the end was "You never did anything for me!".

No one deserves to have a toxic friend like that in their lives. We're both much better off they're gone. ^_^