9 year old ADHD son and homework issues

I have a couple of issues with the homework that my 9 year old son, in Grade 4, is receiving.

Please forgive me if my thoughts are fragmented.

First of all - the work my son is doing is nothing like the work that I was taught many years ago in Grade 4. While this may be obvious, I am having such a hard time teaching him basic concepts when he is being taught these concepts in the most convoluted way and is naturally hesitant and scared to try my (much easier) suggestions. I am certainly not a teacher but I do have logic, sometimes!

I guess that is my first frustration - that I am not fully able to help my son as I hardly even understand some of the work he is being taught.

Another issue is that my son is getting so much homework. This is actually a 2-fold issue. Part of the problem is that he is not finishing his work in class and brings it home to finish and then has to do scheduled homework on top of that.

He gets home at 3pm. I give him a light snack, we chat and then we sit down to the homework. (I am so lucky to work from home that I can give him this time). From that time on, the nightmare begins. His concentration is at -0 and his frustration at +10 because there is so much work. There have been occasions when we have only finished all his work at about 9pm! (With some breaks inbetween).

When does he get to be a child? Pages and pages of math! I have never seen anything like it!

Now, this is my biggest gripe and an even bigger concern. In amongst all this homework, he has to colour in pictures. A task that he does not always mind but that takes him hours and hours! Why is it so necessary to colour in each and every picture in his work books. I fail to see the relevance in Grade 4!

I love colouring in and often do it of my own accord for relaxation. As a result, I end up doing his colouring-in for him whislt he does his other homework.

Am I wrong to do this? I don't want to teach him the wrong principle or let him think that I will just do his work for him. We chatted about it though and I explained that his math and other work is more important than colouring in at this stage.

Sorry to carry on - I don't know if I have made sense.

I feel sorry for him. And I am worried!

(I have spoken to the teacher - and whilst she is supportive as possible, I sense her attitude is that if the other kids can cope then so should he!)

You are perfectly wonderful...no worries!! When i was in 3rd grade my teacher was teaching us fractions and how to add them and subtract them and mulitply them. My mother couldnt understand why a 3rd grader was learning about fractions...plus the teacher hated me she wouldnt help me and all that stuff...so my mother did my fractions for me ...the fact is even though i was always bad in math it never wrongly affected me...just make sure he knows you wont finish his homework for him...plus its only coloring!! no worries at all...its just coloring in....its not like your doing all his homework for him....you know what my mom did? She got me a tutor...granted its alittle expensive but if it helps your child then its worth it. Plus maybe you could scheduale play time? Take him to a park to get out that bounding energy, or have him go swimming...not only is this allowing him to have play time, burn some energy but also its allowing YOU to teach him how to be healthy and fit.....good luck!!! Your doing wonderful...love, Inny

Thank you so much Inny!

Yes, it IS only colouring so I don't know why I feel so guilty. He is so grateful and always gives me a huge hug! I also believe that he has never passed off my colouring-in as his own. Granted, his teacher this year hasn't asked him, but last year, when he was asked, he promptly (and proudly) said that Mom helped him! So I guess I am teaching him good values after all. Much more important that fractions ......... I think!

Thanks again for your encouraging and supportive post, that I really and truly appreciate!

Your so welcome!!! Im definitly always here for you, And I think it is very sweet that he told his teacher that you helped him!! Just that statement would make me want to give your son a bear hug and plant a kiss right on his cheek!! Your teaching him such wonderful lessons...including not lying!! So You are doing a wonderful job and besides its not like he will never color on his own time...Keep up the good work...and may I had especially that I hope I will be as good a mom as you are!! I hope MY kids love me as much as yours most definitly does!!
Love and Good Luck, Inny

How good your post made me feel!! Thank you so much for understanding!!

First of all, I don't think it's wrong for you to do his colouring. It's a shame that he doesn't have the time to do it himself because he would probably find it relaxing and enjoyable.

I share your frustration at the amount of homework kids have these days. It's ridiculous. When I was a kid, we rarely had homework in elementary school. We did our work in school, and then we could be kids -- go out and play, read with our parents, etc. -- in the evenings. All this homework puts a burden on parents -- who just want to spend some quality, relaxing time with their kids. It also puts kids whose parents work nights or have little education at a disadvantage. Not every child has a parent who is able or willing to put in hours of work helping with homework each evening.

I remember trying to help my little brother with his math homework. I'm 10 years older than him. I did very well in math, but he was learning to do long division in a way that was completely foreign to me. It was impossible for me to help him because I had never seen anything like it. Why did they change it? The way we did long division made sense! He was also being taught the "new reading" which involved learning by sight and not learning phonetically. It just wasn't working for him. He's 27 now and he still can't spell.

My little brother was adopted and he has Fetal Alcohol Effects. A lot of his challenges are similar to those of someone with ADHD. The amount of homework he had each night would have been a lot for a child with no challenges, but for him, it was much more difficult. It seemed insurmountable and my parents' evenings were spent sitting with him hour after hour at the dining room table trying to get through it all. When I came home from university for summer holidays, I would chip in and try to help. My poor little brother had a short attention span. It was so hard for him. We had to take frequent breaks because he just couldn't stay focused. So, the evenings were very long. There was no time for him to just relax, play and enjoy being a kid. That kind of pressure and overburdening kids just turns them off learning, IMO. I wish there was a solution to it.

So, I have no answers for you, unfortunately. I wish I did. I just wanted to tell you that I empathize. You care so much and you are doing the best you can in a very difficult situation. It's obvious you love your son very much and that's the most important thing. It's your love and support that will boost his confidence and lighten his burden through life.

Sabrina, have you talked to his teacher or other parents? I'd "reward" work on the math with coloring as a "break" in the intensity of learning the stuff. I think the homework is supposed to reinforce what is learned during the day so I personally wouldn't work on finishing what didn't get done during the day? That's school day work and the teacher's "problem." I'd work something out with the teacher, so he does one or the other. If he doesn't understand things, "reinforcing" by doing a zillion problems isn't going to help? Does he always have to turn in the homework for grading or anything? I'd work something out with the teacher; you're right, it's not right!

I think it's great that you are helping him. I would caution that you to also help him be proud of whatever work he does, even if it isn't as good as yours. School is a process where we all learned how to learn (I hope.) We also learned that no two people are exactly alike, and we need to like ourselves and others for who they are.

Since he's ADHD, do you have a good place for him to do his homework? By that, I mean - and forgive me if you know all about this and do this - but since he has such trouble with focus, he needs an area that 1) is all his own 2) is clean and clear of distractions (walls, floors, noise, windows, colors etc) 3) he might need a clock to help him keep track of time and agree to work x minutes on the next problem etc to help him focus, with hope of an end to it!

There are plenty of things to do to help him, as I'm sure others will give links and suggestions. I think you already have the real number 1 requirement: caring!

I am so sorry that your son is struggling - and I think that you are absolutely in the right to be concerned. Your child has a diagnosis and it sounds like he needs some accomodations especially within the area of HW.

A 4th grader should not take more than an hour on average to complete his/her homework. The fact that he is struggling and taking more than 4 hours on some nights indicates a problem. He needs to have the amount of HW reduced and/or modified.

I am disappointed to hear of his teacher's reaction, however, I am not really surprised. It is not easy for teachers to recognize let alone accomodate for learning differences.

My suggestion to you is to request an MFE - a Multifactored Evaluation. Put that request in writing and direct to your son's principal. An MFE will begin the process of evaluating your son for learning difficulties. Having a diagnosis of AD/HD does not automatically allow for accomodations, however, it is not unusual for young children with AD/HD to need accomodations such as small group environment for standardized testing, modified HW, assistance with intense organization skill development, etc.

I think you are correct that the HW load is too much. I would not do any of the HW for your son but would question the need for the coloring. Perhaps he could simply outline the shape. Your son needs your help to advocate on his behalf. No 9 year old child should spend that kind of time doing HW.

AND .. while I'm on this soapbox .. absolutely not OK to assign work not finished in the classroom as HW. That is absolutely not OK. IF your son is consistently not finishing work in the classroom when the other kids finish .. then something is not working for your son. He may have more going on than AD/HD. Hopefully an MFE will help determine.

Think of it this way, if your child had a physical disability - say wheel chair bound .. no one would insist that he drag himself and his chair up the stairs everyday to class .. and then give him detention for arriving late to the classroom. And yet, with a development or learning disability .. that is exactly what we do. Your son is not finishing because he can't finish the classwork within the same amount of time. And so his punishment for not being the same as most of the kids is that he gets to take it home for HW... which will take him all night anyway. So the child is punished for a situation that he cannot help and is not responsible for having.

Sorry to go on and on - I am just so passionate about this. A great book to pick up is Dr. Mel Levines' A mind at a time. Great read on understanding and appreciating the different learning abilities we all have.

Good luck to you - I think you are correct that something is not as it should be regarding your son and his school situation. Follow your instincts.

Awesome post peanuts!

Sabrina, I'm so sorry for your and your son's struggles. It's a very trying road for sure-- please don't forget to tell your son how great he is.(I'm sure you do-- just a friendly reminder) Such children need to hear this more than a lot of others(IMO).

I'm on the home stretch as my ADD son is in 12th grade and it looks good that he will get to graduate.(fingers crossed!) It's been a struggle for sure-- many nights spent with hours of homework, meetings with teachers, trying different medications...... In high school he's been given extra testing time for final exams, which has helped him a lot since he gets sidetracked so easy he still loses important things-- even things like, class ring order forms and things like that....I've just had to be very aware of what's going on.... thank goodness for the internet-- the teachers update me weekly and school events are posted daily.

I'm not very good at giving advice(I'm sorry) but I wanted you to know that I think you're an awesome mom!! and I think your son is awesome too. My heart is with you both!

mandy

Oh wow, thank you so much for this overwhelming support. Thank you!!

I would like to reply to each indiviudual post but I am still struggling immensely with this site.

For now I have printed this thread out and I ask you to bear with me and please check in again as I would like to post to each of you individually.

Right - I am going to give this a try - I ask you to bear with me if I only get one or 2 replies out. I posted in the general thread that I would be taking a break because of my frustrations with the problems I am having here but this thread and the overwhelming response I received won't leave me - I have to try and respond.

Juliana - thank you for sharing your experience with me.

I must add that my son loves colouring in and does so reasonably often on a recreational level. I often colour in mandalas and he is so intrigued he tries to copy me. But ........... school work colouring in is a complete chore for him. I guess it is also about attitude!

I also remember being able to be a kid, even though I was at boarding school from a very young age.

How times have changed!

Thank you again, for your support and understanding, both mean a lot to me.

Hi Perna

I have discussed these issues with the teacher but I haven't with other parents. I intend to call a few up to see if there is a similar work load (realizing my son's is a bit more).

We have no choice but to finish up what he couldn't during the day. If we don't - he will be penalized! At the moment, I am grateful the teacher is actually allowing us to finish this work at home. Next year, I doubt he will be afforded the same opportunity and will simply lose marks!

I agree that it is the teachers "problem", however, my son is not in a school specifically geared towards ADHD kids, and as there are 30+ kids in his class, he is not receiving the individual attention he deserves.

And yes, this homework is often for grading. Despite the stress it causes my son - I have often called it a day on other homework that I can clearly see is not for grading and told him we will do it another time.

Thank you for your support and understanding. I do so appreciate it!

Hi Sky

Without a doubt, I do encourage and praise my son with work he has done. If he gets 1 out of 10 for a test (which doesn't really happen), I praise him for the 1 instead of worry about the 9 wrong!

I have done much research into ADHD, so thank you for your suggestions, but all already heeded! We have a very clean and clear, and for the most part possible (noisy neighbourgs), a quite homework area too. My dearest son gives his best in wanting to work. He really does try hard but his lack of being able to focus does sometimes win this battle.

We have used a stopwatch / clock too - a little successful in the beginning but the stress this caused when he didn't succeed broke my heart so I only use this option now and again.

I will continue to work with him and give him everything of myself that I can - I believe that is all I can do for now!

Hi Peanuts

I do agree that his homework time should be reduced or modified. However, his teacher feels he has enough time to finish this work in class. My son is adamant that (most) of the other kids are not finishing the work either and at this point, I don't know who to believe. I am inclined to feel for and believe my son though! Twenty minutes is not long enough for 5 pages on intricate math problems.

I agree that his teacher doesn't really recognize (or appreciate) his learning differences. She is an "old-school" teacher - teaching the same grade for about 20 years. Having met her - she seems to see ADHD and its associated problems as a parenting / discipline issue - SO WRONG!

I have taken the (perhaps cheeky) liberty of sending her some info on ADHD (and his current medication).

Unfortunately, South Africa dos not offer the same educational options in terms of ADHD in a public school (of which my son attends) as anywhere else in the world. I have investigated other schools, more specifically geared towards ADHD and much smaller classes but the fees are more than I even earn in a year!

I will give the book you mentioned some more research and look out for it! Thank you! I need all the help I can get right now.

My instincts are seldom wrong - so yes, I think I will follow them! My son started play therapy last week and I look forward to seeing how this progresses.

Thank you for your passion and for understanding. I really appreciate your support!

Hi Mandyfins

Thank you for your support!

You certainly do understand as you have been on the homework route yourself! Your post encourages me as it gives me hope and a will to keep on trying.

You don't need to give me advice - I simply appreciate your support and understanding so much.

This whole thread has been overwhelming to me. I did not expect the lovely response I got!

My son is 8 year old, was becoming very lazy was even told so by teachers, yet he certainly was smart enough, we told him if he wanted our help in anything, we did be there, but he has to do the work himself, not us. When his 3rd term report came out, he was extremely upset at some of the marks that had dropped considerably after seeing that in black & white, so to speak, he smartened up & brought every one of those dropped marks right back up & then some..It may be that your son needs to "fail" abit to realize he has to work at school just another idea to think about, please visit here