How To support/Encourage

Hello everyone!

I'm new here and I haven't acquired enough information on BPD.
Yet, I've been trying.

How would I go about supporting and encouraging someone I believe, to have BPD, to read and seek guidance?

Much of what I have read does state black and white thinking. Yet, he was only narcissistic when he was very drunk. (His father seems NPD.) He idealizes me, then turns me black.
I have remained the same person and care deeply for him.
Yet, even when he turns me black, he'll moan in bed, hoping I'll snuggle and hold him. And STILL wants me to go everywhere with him.

I want to have fun and do things with him.......yet he is stuck in a numbness.
Not happy or motivated by anything. Can go a week or two without showering. Yes, agrees he should take care of himself more often. STILL cannot grasp it, and push himself. Does enjoy the things, he has before.

No self injury beyond drinking, and occasional drugs.

He does tell me I help, as I show him positivity, give encouragement when I can, hugs, kisses, and affection.

The downside is, I have told him when he turns me black and won't communicate, he shuts me out. He doesn't like that, yet to me it's communication telling him I care for him, please talk to me. And I want us to work everything out.

I'm open as to listening and understanding........I don't want to be black to him. I want to shine light for him!

Please help! Thanks!

Hopefully someone can chime in soon and offer some advice/help. I'll say it again from earlier but you're awesome and great gf for trying to make the extra effort and help/understand your bf. I wish you the best of luck!

Thanks much LL!!

Hi - I'm happy your searching form information on BPD to help you and your friend.

I'm giving you my perspective and hopefully others will come by and share their own points of view too

Please don't be discouraged by what I say in this sentence, but you can't make anyone do anything they don't want (an maybe you already know this). You can encourage him to get help, you can share information on BPD, but the decision to get help will be your friend's. I think it's great that you've noticed quite a bit of traits in your friend, maybe you've seen triggers, and although it's never easy to approach a person w/BPD, hopefully you might now how to approach him with this info. in a manner that he considers safe. He could accept your invitation to get help, but his thinking could also distort your concern and he could get upset (for a myriad of reasons - I don't know how he responds, but I can think of many reasons how I would reject the help.)

If he were to get upset, do keep reminding him of the times he saw you as the understanding, caring friend you are. Remind him of the times that he said this to you (please remember that I'm giving you my experience as if it were happening to me - I know we're all different, but I think we distort outside stimulus rather similarly).

He really should get diagnosed professionally because guided help is easier - that has been my experience. Self help is there - there are books and obviously a lot of info. on the internet, but self help has it's challenges because (like me) the person works alone on their recovery. Well, maybe not entirely alone is there is support of family, friends, forums like these. But there is no therapist and BPD, from my readings is a challenge to therapists who are not trained in DBT and to those with the disorder, because it is easy to see the therapist in this "black and white" manner.

I hope he sees you as the caring person you are and considers getting help. If he goes in the black zone, remind him that you KNOW he is a caring person too and you know he does not mean to hurt you back. Tell him you know he loves you. He might push you away and say hurtful things - do not take it too personally because this is his brain distorting everything. Remind him he's a good person, and remind him that YOU WILL NOT GO AWAY no matter how much he pushes.

Anger/strong emotions keep us from thinking straight. Just as I can see the caring and love you are coming from, if he gets mad, he won't see it that way. So STAY strong. If he gets mad, acknowledge that it is okay to be mad, and hopefully you can both work to get him to calm down. You don't mention any violent rages, but (and you probably know this ) don't stick around if the environment gets dangerous for you.

The change must come from him however. He is going to have to want to get help in order to change and no matter how much you love him, all that love won't help him. He has to learn to love himself too - that's when change begins. and he'll appreciate your love so much more...

I wish you love and luck - I hope this helps, but hopefully other people will come by and make other suggestions you might find more helpful. I'm glad you are looking for advice.

If you've approached him with other difficult topics and you succeeded in preventing the black zone, try bringing up the subject the same way....make it safe - no judgments, no invalidating his feelings (like saying "don't get mad").

ALL of this helps.

Yes, I have been around for the violent rages......I usually keep quiet or away from him.

He has been mimimizing his alcohol quite a bit. An amazing feat for a Thursday and Friday even.

At one point recently I did ask if I have helped him at all, he's told me yes.

I am a very patient, calm, loving, open-minded, understanding individual with everyone. He KNOWS this. His family cares for and appreciates me.

When I am white, I am cared for by him.

In the beginning I was misunderstood. I have had to explain to him about my emotions and demeanors. There were times he thought I was angry. (Even though I'm calm.)
I've explained I am very clear about my emotions and I won't lie or sugar coat.
What he thought to be anger, was actually disappointment.

He will turn me white and things become clear again, and he is apologetic.

I really think he woke up recently when he realized we had been together for 8 months, and friends for over a year. It seems to matter to him. So, That's good.

He said he likes that I'm layed back! Recently while laying down he told me one of the scariest things for him was that he trusted me.

I could probably use a pep-talk of sorts on how to prevent him from thinking I'm invalidating his feelings.

Honestly, if he tells me a feeling..........I won't discount it, as it would be HIS feelings.....however clear or true they are.

An old friend of his, as we met apologized to me, for his behavior, as he also KNOWS how he gets.

Not sure about the one female friend of his........however, she messaged him about working out with me. I know they had gone up north and drank.......not sure if she's seen that side of him at all. But her male roommate, was my boyfriend's old roommate, and he very well knows. So he still has friends, but they ALL seem to know how he gets.

I'm no dummy........what I have heard and seen, seems to me to be, "projection".
Every name we are all called, seem to be names he feels about himself.

I'm a positive/optimistic person and I very well know, those names do not pertain to me. I do have a large group of friends I can always talk to!

When I say a pep-talk........MMBean, you said not to say "Don't get mad"
That may be something I would start out with.......so I may need interaction help, and I am glad you brought that up! As I wouldn't want him to feel like he couldn't be real with me.

I was in a 9 year relationship. I have BPD and Bipolar. She seemed to care about me but eventually the BPD/BP got her so sick and tired that she gave up. No matter what I did for her, she couldn't srand it any more.

Your boyfriend is lucky. Don't forget about the abandonment issues. But don;t stay just because of it.

Thank you for caring so much.

Dobby, 9 years is a long time. She did care.

However, there does come a point where we all can seek help, and try to overcome!

I have been advised, and it's very much true......if he does NOTHING to better himself, and is aware that there is help......that I cannot stay.

I live every day to learn and discover myself more and more.
And I hope that others can do the same. If I am made aware that I do things that are hurtful or abusive, in any way, I would do what I could to correct it.

We all have the ability to overcome or make better the things that cause problems.

I will try my best, to find the best way of presenting this idea to him.
It will be up to him to read, learn, and seek help.

When he gives up completely on himself, is when I will have to retract.
I don't want to, but I also know we can all make excuses to no end.

My friendship will always be here for him. But a relationship would be much different.

In relationships, we can lean on one another. But when one half leans too far, to the side, is when both can fall. I don't want him to give-up and lean off.
It will ultimately be his choice.........yet, I am very patient and understanding.

I'm sorry for your loss. You were blessed to have her for 9 years....I hope you have some good memories too.

Stand tall, remember the good things!

My only suggestion to you would be for you to think about therapy for yourself because it is going to be hard on you at times. You don't have to be sick yourself to see a therapist. Just like people who love alcoholics have ALANON for support, you could have a therapist. I know that you said that you can talk to your friends... but for me there are some things that I just wouldn't want to tell my friends or family about my partner for fear of them judging him. These friends might then know things about him & then be in social situations with him. This doesn't happen with a therapist.

Just think about it.

You are a very smart young lady....because I see from your response....some instinctive reactions....I personally think you're on the right track..

I let you into my mind and it appears that those of us w/BPD have a lot of similarities....so I let you into my fears...and maybe his fears too...I'm so glad to see you not sugar coat things...because that's exactly what we need...and he seems to be....trying to deal with it too...if he ...appreaciates that....he appreciates your honesty and realizes that you come from a place of love and not hate or criticism....there is a part of him that is listening to the possibility of change.....of help from you and change for him. ....

"I'm no dummy........what I have heard and seen, seems to me to be, "projection".

yup - you are smart....you've got it right.....absolutely right.

I wish I could tell you how to approach him...how to bring it up...but I actually don't know....because I was the one searching for answers....I went looking of the personality tests...and I was the one who found the article on mood swings.....no one came to me to help me....so I hate to tell you I'm stumped alittle bit about how to approach him,.....but I want you to know that I am very impressed with you. You have an amazing strength...and amazing love for him...but he also sounds like he's open to the possibility of getting help because he sees your strengths and he seems to see you coming from a place of love and concern and not criticism or hate....

I know that when I found the article on moods swings, I took the personality tests without judgements....psych central has personality tests that he could look at....as a starting point.....because, from what you've written he seems to be open to the possibility of getting help.....maybe that could be a start.

I have BPD and am in a long term relationship

Sometimes I will shut my boyfriend out because I am having a sensory overload, caused by overwhelming emotions. He could say the most loving things during this time, and I just can't process it. My mind is just too busy trying to process my emotions and it blocks out everything else - especially reasoning lol

I agree with MMBean about validating his feelings. He knows he overreacts. He might not admit it because the last thing we need to hear during an episode is "You're overreacting again!"

Just know when he's having an episode, he is hurting so so so bad, and needs your compassion and understanding more than ever.

I know this can be so confusing to you... knowing what to say and when to say it, or when to stay quiet.

It is equally as frustrating for us, the sufferers, because during our episode all we want is to feel better but we can't. Trust me, if we could soothe ourselves, we would.

I wish the best of luck to you both...

There is a book I've been reading that is very validating and helpful, I highly suggest it.

Stop Walking on Eggshells