I could really use some help.
My best friend is agoraphobic and won't really leave her house unless with her mom because she has panic attacks if she does. She doesn't go to work/education, and she asks me to come over to her house all the time. I mean, all the time.

1. I know it sounds selfish but i'm tired of being the one who has to make all the effort. I don't particularly like her house, its very messy and sends my OCD crazy, and all we do is watch documentaries or horror movies and eat junk food. I hate it. I hate her house and i hate not being able to go out with her at all.

2. She's too clingy. I can't stand clingyness, i just can't deal with it, it makes me feel trapped.

3. I know she has a condition that stops her from being able to go out, but i honestly can't carry on never being able to go anywhere. She can't even come to my house. I feel awful for her and i don't know what to do, she won't take any advice.

When it comes down to it, i can't keep going to her house EVERY SINGLE WEEK and doing the same crap, i really would just rather be at home or getting on with my life. I'm tempted to just tell her i'm busy all the time because i'm SICK of being the one doing EVERYTHING and making all the effort.

What do you guys think? I hope i don't sound mean, i really do care for her but i'm at the end of my tether and actually feel that she is quite invasive, she texts me every single day and i have to go to her house every week. i feel like she doesn't try at all or put any effort in when it comes to seeing me.

[Dog on a Tree]

Maybe tell her how your feeling. I think honesty is the best option. I know it may hurt her but it's how you feel. Ultimately your going to drive yourself crazy if you don't do anything about it. Also it sounds like you need a time out, time to yourself.

Thank you. I think i'm going to tell her. You're right, it is driving me crazy and i need to put my foot down. I just find it hard saying what i want or being assertive.

[Dog on a Tree]

Yes, be assertive but being assertive is not being dominant or being mean. Just say how you feel and say it calmily. I hope your friend understands and even if you do have a falling out, just give it some time and hopefully things will get better.

All the best!

Ok i will try to do that. Thank you

[Fuzzybear]

[Dog on a Tree]

Your welcome

[Cris80pitt]

Yes, just be brave and say what is on your mind and in your heart.

[RedEagle]

If you really feel that way about her and the situation it's probably not good to be around her anyway if you're just resenting her the whole time. You could always suggest some new home activities since she can't leave.

I don't think you're a very good friend. You asked...

If she really is your best friend she will appreciate your honesty, so be honest with her and see what her reaction is.

A best friend loves you without conditions.

Do what's best for you.

[kaliope]

please be careful how you talk to her. i have to say something and i am not trying to criticize you, only educate you so you dont hurt yur friend cause i know that is not your intent. i am agoraphobic and some of the statements really triggered me. She can't even come to my house. i feel like she doesn't try at all or put any effort in when it comes to seeing me i sense a lot of resentment regarding this. i think there is a lack of understanding how difficult agoraphobia really is despite acknowledging she has panic attacks when she leaves home without her mother. i know it is ridiculous but there are times when i cannot walk out my door because i honestly feel the sun is going to dissolve me into dust that is how scared i am. it is not something i can just "get over to go see a friend. i put all sorts of effort to go to the store, make plans with friends, go to various events, go out for dinner and i never make it anywhere but into a puddle of tears because i cannot do it. it is so devastating because i know i should be able to do these things, they are not going to bring me harm, yet still, i cannot do it despite all my efforts and years of therapy. so if friends want to do something with me, they have to come to me. if i cant do something, i know i miss out. i have just accepted that and i have learned to be ok with that. i am ok being alone. i dont expect others to cater to me and others understand and do not try to push me because the know i cannot do it because of my condition. but your situation sounds like it is much more than the agoraphobia being an issue. it doesnt sound like you gain any benefits from this relationship, that you feel like she is a drain on your resources and you are getting nothing in return. so kindly letting her know that you are not comfortable coming over to her house anymore may be the solution. or just going over once a month if you want to maintain the friendship. from your post it does not sound like that is what you want to do. the real issue does not seem to be the agoraphobia, but the fact that you are giving too much of yourself to this relationship and not getting anything in return.

[Fuzzybear]

personally, I'd say nothing, or maybe do as Kaliope suggested (I hate making anyone feel rejected...) but thats just me and I've been a door mat before Grrrrr! idk, this is a rough issue, I think it's a time when I should have just posted hearts, I know you care for your friend (I kinda see both sides of this)

Originally Posted by George H.

I don't think you're a very good friend. You asked...

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by kindness

If she really is your best friend she will appreciate your honesty, so be honest with her and see what her reaction is.

A best friend loves you without conditions.

Do what's best for you.

Originally Posted by George H.

I don't think you're a very good friend. You asked...

Okay ... Thanks..? I realise how dammed horrible i sound. But i am honestly at the end of my tether. I have tried so so much with this friend, i really have put everything i have into our friendship, always make an effort to try and help her, listen to her, do whatever she wants - i really have tried. But this entire friendship is simply on her terms.

I really try to empathise with her and i feel awful that she has agoraphobia, i am always there to listen to her and i never force her into anything, i have been so patient and understanding - i just really am tired of it. I'm tired of always having to fit everything around her, never doing what i want to do. She uses me emotionally. I don't know what else to say, other than i have put my very best into trying to be a good friend to her, but i've had enough. This friendship is exhausting and not good for me.

Thank you for understanding guys. I was trying to be so tactful but couldn't talk about her agoraphobia without sounding b*tchy, i know. I do feel like she is draining me and quite frankly i've tried incredibly hard, i don't know what else i can do. I'm going to just be honest with her.

The thing is i don't want to cut her out of my life or be horrible. But she does not aid my life in any way. She is temperemental, exhausting, stubborn. She is also a lovely person and kind, but everything she does is on her terms. I just don't know.

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear

personally, I'd say nothing, or maybe do as Kaliope suggested (I hate making anyone feel rejected...) but thats just me and I've been a door mat before Grrrrr! idk, this is a rough issue, I think it's a time when I should have just posted hearts, I know you care for your friend (I kinda see both sides of this)

Saying nothing just means that we do everything on her terms and i'm just being passive i don't want her to feel rejected at all. I'm terrified of being horrible.

[KathyM]

I think you'd be able to wean her off her dependence on you, as long as you do it gradually and sincerely. That is, if you truly value her as a "best friend." That alone is the "aid" you provide each other - be it once a week, once a month, or once a year. Friendship isn't necessarily about what we can do for each other or how much time we spend together. True bonds don't break.

If she's truly your friend, she will understand your need to pursue your own life as well. You are her friend, not her crutch.

If your bond is tight, you might be able to speak with her about it - but I suspect it might cause unnecessary pain/heartache that will come back to bite you. Instead, on your scheduled day invite her out for a ride or somewhere else alone with you - something less triggering.

If she continually declines invitations on your terms, there is nothing wrong in going about your business. Check in with her when you can, watch your movies together, and catch up on what's been happening in your lives.

I hope you can find a way to maintain this friendship.

[berthegel]

Hello , I have assertiveness problems , try and be assertive with her without critisisng her condition , maybe say " I can't come this time I have to wait in for a visiting relative , why don't you and your mum come to mine . This gives you the opertunityvto be assertive , but gives her the opportunity to try and get out of her house .
Bye

[Open Eyes]

I feel sorry for both of you tbh. I have my challenges too, things I avoid that are too painful for me. I can't go in a loud noisey restaurant for example, the PTSD that challenges me is so sensitive to noise and confined crowds. A lot of trauma happened on my farm, so I don't have people come here and I got literally reemed out not too long ago and it upset me badly from a person who just doesn't understand how very challenged I am with that. Well, I get totally frustrated with it myself.

People who struggle are not trying to be difficult, they are just trying to do their best with something very challenging that even they can get extremely frustrated with and, even feel so guilty about. I often wish others could get in my body and feel what I do when I struggle, it isn't just a matter of being afraid, it isn't purposely avoiding, I have tried to push myself on my own only to experience a lot of physical pain, something I don't want others to see.

I have something coming up that is going to be so very hard. Half of OE wants to stand her ground, and the Half of OE is going to be with individuals that are very triggering, talking about something that is also very triggering and I can't say I have PTSD. Well, I have PTSD, I can't just leave it home, I can't pretend I don't have it and it may just rear it's ugly head. Last time I was in this kind of situation I had a flashback and could not talk, had no one there to help or support me either. I can't even remember how I made it home all by myself either.

I understand that you "wish" your friend could do more and you get frustrated. However, be gentle with her, it's NOT HER FAULT, please remember that. If it bothers you then spend less time with her. Just make sure you go easy, keep in mind "always" IT'S NOT HER FAULT ok?

OE

[JadeAmethyst]

I have had a similar situation.....be carefully, kind, and consider gentle, assertiveness....be prepared for some hurt and you feeling like a "Mean" person, but...also give some patience and forgiveness, moving along is quite often a break or an intermission. After some time check in...don't be harsh and don't be self disrespecting either...love her as is, and vice versa..

good luck
jade

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

Okay ... Thanks..? I realise how dammed horrible i sound. But i am honestly at the end of my tether. I have tried so so much with this friend, i really have put everything i have into our friendship, always make an effort to try and help her, listen to her, do whatever she wants - i really have tried. But this entire friendship is simply on her terms.

I really try to empathise with her and i feel awful that she has agoraphobia, i am always there to listen to her and i never force her into anything, i have been so patient and understanding - i just really am tired of it. I'm tired of always having to fit everything around her, never doing what i want to do. She uses me emotionally. I don't know what else to say, other than i have put my very best into trying to be a good friend to her, but i've had enough. This friendship is exhausting and not good for me.

I'm sorry, you don't sound horrible. It's just that you made it sound like you only saw her once a week plus some phone calls or texts. You may be the one bright spot in her week. In her life. You'd think she would be grateful but I suppose just because she is agoraphobic doesn't mean she has character or depth of personality.
I had agoraphobia along w/ severe GAD. Two very amazing friends helped me through that time and were primarily responsible for helping me to conquer the agoraphobia. I guess I was identifying with your friend and comparing you with the friends I mentioned. That was unfair.

I never said she didn't have character because she had agoraphobia. The fact is she isn't grateful and gets her own way all the time, i'm tired of making all the effort. Thats nothing to do with her agoraphobia. She lives very far from me and i don't have a car plus i am depressed and completely devoid of energy, seeing her doesn't make me feel better because what i want to do doesn't matter.

Originally Posted by 8888an8888

I never said she didn't have character because she had agoraphobia. The fact is she isn't grateful and gets her own way all the time, i'm tired of making all the effort. Thats nothing to do with her agoraphobia. She lives very far from me and i don't have a car plus i am depressed and completely devoid of energy, seeing her doesn't make me feel better because what i want to do doesn't matter.

And I didn't say that you did say she didn't have depth of character. A person with any depth of character would appreciate having a friend who is willing to sacrifice time to help. A person with depth of character would not expect gratitude for helping a friend.
I'm not sure we're getting anywhere here and I should probably just drop it.
Best of luck to you and your friend.

[Mygrandjourney]

• Originally Posted by George H.

  I don't think you're a very good friend. You asked...

Please expand on this, George H! IMHO, if she wasn't a good friend, she would have given up on this a long time ago. She appears to sincerely want advice on how to improve this situation rather than just blowing it off.