[Neversurrender]

I've lived with my girlfriend for two years. Both in our late thirties.

She is awesome, BUT at any given time she turns into a diffrent person.

This person is convinced that I don't want to be with her. So she accuses me of that. She then feels she isn't worth anything and that I must be talking to other girls who are more fun. I must be avoinding her etc.

When she snaps out of it, she can talk about it, and doesn't understand why she was thinking those things at all.

The trigger can be anything: I do'nt respond fast enough on what's app. I'm online on what's app and am not talking to her. We can have great conversations all day, but suddenly this all starts.

There is more to it then this but the constant accusations are really starting to annoy me. ( Yes two years will do that to ya)

Is it possible to give an ultimatum, or will this just feed in her fantasie?

Any guys out there who are also going crazy with this type of girlfriend?

My question: When she is in this "I hate myself mood". What can I do to break her pattern. How can I get her back??

[lowinmood]

what happened to her when she was younger?

did she have an ambivalent upbringing?

The only way out of this is to bring stuff into her awareness, when she has calmed down, talk to her, tell her how she was with you and how she made you feel, be honest with her, but you can't rescue her, she has to do this for herself.

Problem is, she might not be ready to rescue herself just yet, but that's not your problem, it's her journey, it's her lesson, and she will find a way one day to rescue herself, if you do it for her, you're not helping her in the long run, it will just make her dependent on people.

[vonmoxie]

The trouble I see with this is that consistently making accusations about your supposed lack of fondness for her is sort of an aggressive passing of the buck.. to respond to having feelings that one can't deal with by accusing the other person of being hostile or unloving seems unfair and unproductive. What kind of significant resolution could come from addressing feelings that way?

A few sessions of couples counseling might go a long way, as far as developing coping skills together. Otherwise it sounds to me like both of you will continue to be held hostage by the situation. If you're not inclined towards counseling, maybe you can come to an agreement, at a time when she's able to talk about it, about creating a positive space to deal with it? Something like, anytime an unproductive and overly emotionally charged situation gets started, agreeing to consistently table that conversation until a specified later time. By which time she may just have cooled off enough to discuss her feelings in a more constructive way. Maybe you could even have a regular appointment for a while, weekly or something, for discussing any contentious topics that had been tabled in that time. It could ultimately minimize anxiety on both sides, while supporting the development of skills in self-regulating emotions.

Just my take. I am not a licensed professional.

[starfruit504]

It's called insecurity. It's a tough thing to get a handle on. You could try couples counseling, but individual counseling may be ideal. You need to learn ways to cope with this behavior and she needs a lot of self esteem bolstering.