[bottledwater]

I truly hope this is the appropriate place to post this; it's urgent so I ask that if it's not that someone helps direct me to the right place. My best friend has been suffering emotional and sometimes physical abuse by her mother since she was younger, but it has only gotten worse as she's grown up. Her mother frequently expresses disgust at my friend's weight, refusing to let her go to the doctor for legitimate medical concerns unless my friend drops down to a size 5. She screams at her frequently without reason, will sometimes hit her, has put a tracker in her phone. Sometimes she'll punish her for trivial things, and has sometimes gone to the lengths of forcing her to leave her door open or even removing my friend's blinds from her window, which is in clear view of the street, where people can see inside. But her mom is kind to her at times, and that effect makes it easier for my friend to think she deserves it, that she's worthless, that she's fat. It causes her to eat until she sometimes can't stop eating, even if she's full and feels sick. It's sparked suicidal ideations. This has been going on for some time now, but the situation has become more urgent because she's a college student who has to live at home because she simply doesn't have the money. College would be the beginning of a way out for her, but after completing her first full semester, she may no longer be able to go because her mother is pregnant and refuses to help her. My friend cannot take out loans, and even if she were allowed to, she'd only be able to take out unsubsidized loans which will cripple her in debt. A job would allow her to save up and pay for school and for loans but her mom will not allow her to get a job; her mom has purposefully sabotaged job opportunities before and this time her mother has flat out refused to let her. Her mother has told my friend that she'll have to pay bills if she gets a job, but with the way her mother sabotages any job opportunities, even this doesn't seem like an option. Her mother consistently screams at my friend to "just get scholarships," but doesn't understand the realities of getting scholarships and how difficult it is to get one, let alone enough to pay for full tuition. If she can't go to school and she can't go to work and save up for school and to move out, there is no safe way out for her, and for her it seems like the only way out is to die. My friend has recently realized that her mom is trying to make her dependent, but the emotional abuse paired with her mother's random acts of love and affection have made my friend's mother's goals a reality. She has no motivation for anything at this point, not to get scholarships, not to find a route to get out of her home. I reach out because I don't know what to do to help her at this point, and I'm scared about what she might do.

[kaliope]

it is sad, but this is the reality of some people's lives. being crippled with debt is a choice and a way out. it is not really crippled and she wouldnt have to pay it until after she graduates. she could move out, get a job and support herself and never have anything to do with her mom again. the payments on loans are really not that high, you just pay them for the rest of your life. it is a pain to apply for scholarships, but she can do that as well. and there are grants out there as possibilities as well. if she wants out bad enough, she will take on the debt. Or she can find a friend to move in with but she will still have to take out the loans to go to college. she wont make enough to pay for it on her own. she is an adult, there is no way her mom can keep her in the home. there really arent many other choices.....you dont mention dad...is he an option?

[bottledwater]

Originally Posted by kaliope

it is sad, but this is the reality of some people's lives. being crippled with debt is a choice and a way out. it is not really crippled and she wouldnt have to pay it until after she graduates. she could move out, get a job and support herself and never have anything to do with her mom again. the payments on loans are really not that high, you just pay them for the rest of your life. it is a pain to apply for scholarships, but she can do that as well. and there are grants out there as possibilities as well. if she wants out bad enough, she will take on the debt. Or she can find a friend to move in with but she will still have to take out the loans to go to college. she wont make enough to pay for it on her own. she is an adult, there is no way her mom can keep her in the home. there really arent many other choices.....you dont mention dad...is he an option?

You're absolutely right, it is the reality of many. And all of these solutions are logical and straightforward and I agree with them, but the way she's been treated and has lived for much of her life have taken their toll, contributing to mental illness and a still strong attachment (and fear) to her mom which complicate her tendency towards those solutions, especially when those solutions will only, in her opinion, further worsen her situation. She is an adult now so legally there's no way her mother can keep her in the home, but legality isn't as strong as the emotional and physical threats that plague her.

Her biological dad is barely in the picture; her stepdad, whom she considers to be her father figure, lives with them, but her mom and stepdad have a very complicated relationship, greatly due to her mom's personality and fiery irrationality. Her family has moved over and over throughout the years, so if she were to pack up her things and leave, she barely has friends, let alone friends close enough that their families would allow her to stay for a while. I'm away at college myself so I unfortunately can't help her in that regard. She's been applying for scholarships since her senior year of high school, but unfortunately hasn't won one.

I suppose what I'm searching for isn't so much as solutions for her plight, because the solutions are there. I guess my main concern is finding a way to help support her and help her see those things as the better alternatives, especially when she's suicidally depressed and so affected by the things her mother does and says to her. I realize that you can't force someone to see something in a particular way, especially when they're the one who's suffering. I don't want to push her away, I don't want to say the wrong thing at the wrong time or in the wrong way. I know what not to say when it comes to suicidal ideation, as I've dealt with that myself for a long time. But I have no experience with aiding someone in an abusive environment, and I don't want to hurt her more than she's already hurting.

[gayleggg]

Try to get her to see a counselor on campus. Made they can help her find a way out.

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[bottledwater]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

Try to get her to see a counselor on campus. Made they can help her find a way out.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I tried to get her to see a counselor on campus last semester but she was too scared. Since she's gotten to such a dark place recently, she was planning on seeing one for the spring semester that starts in a little over a week. But because she'll likely have to quit school, at least for a while, the counseling services will be closed to her. If she ends up not having to take a leave of absence, I'll try to get her to follow through with getting help on campus. I'm so worried about what to do if that ends up not being an option anymore.

[Soy bien]

Is there anywhere else she can go? Could she stay with a friend or other relative? Are there women's shelters that would take her? Getting her away from that environment seems to be the top priority. I also agree with gayleggg. She needs counseling.

[Simone70]

Have you actually talked to her about leaving? If you haven't, that would be a good start. It sounds like she is pushed to the brink by her mother, and may not be very good at making decisions at this point. She needs to get out of there, without a doubt.

I also agree that she needs counselling as a matter of urgency.