I hold grudges.

That is what my NPD Mother told me my entire life.

Well if someone points a finger, there are three fingers pointing back at them! And from whom did we learn the behavior they complain about? From a very good teacher!

Can you say more about this?

The older i get, the more i see that i copied exactly my mothers behavior - as a child, as a teenager, and as an adult. Its only when you get bad results from it - you lose friends, or you feel ashamed - that you learn to change your behavior.

But also - like holding grudges - she will twist your trying to change your behavior for the better into you holding a grudge. Just because you dont want to do X anymore, youre still mad about it, youre holding a grudge according to her. But according to reality, you just dont want to do X anymore, period - its not a good thing to do (like visit an abusive family member).

Thanks. I understand now.

If you've been told something your entire life by someone who helped give you life, then proceeds to tell you your entire life that you hold grudges.

So we have New Life, a blank canvas for the Artist to paint any picture they like onto it. How many children have the opportunity to paint their own life story without their parents directing it all?! Then we have Motherhood. Oh my God, why is the child getting more attention than me?! Why aren't I that blank canvas? Why can't I go back into the womb? So Teacher gets Student to paint certain pictures on the blank canvas over and over, and sits back admiring her work of art, knowing she's done a great job of replicating her own grudging thoughts on her child.

My mother has always threatened me with her statements. She has given me the silent treatment, ignored me, competed with me, Held grudges against me, triangulated against me, shown preference to my siblings. ETC.

She is a piece of work.

It's difficult to unstitch the stitches.

As long as you really are feeling OK that's the main thing.

I don't hold grudges against anyone but the PD exes that have left me and my Mother.

I have a very good relationship with my children.

I have a hard time forgiving the men who have hurt me.

Forgiving is hard work. It requires understanding both sides of any situation and all that lays hidden beneath. Exhausting stuff!

She sounds so much like my mother. I just quit being so volatile and angry 'cause it was only hurting me. I went to her house with my daughters for Thanksgiving and for Christmas. We made small talk. I had to be okay with that and not try and feel like crap 'cause there is no mother/daughter bond.

She can think what she wants. I stopped being resentful 'cause it was hurting me and I really want to show my daughters that there is a different way. You can be guarded, friendly and cooperative to a point. That doesn't mean you trust the person. My mother's past behavior pretty much determines her current behavior.

I protect myself. She can say what she wants. She always will. She always puts herself in the best light. She's done it to herself and if we have no closeness, that is her doing. I feel good that I've done what I have to maintain some peace and have peace myself.

Good Luck...hugs..

I agree. I have put a lot of emotional distance between myself and my mother.