"I can't handle your anxiety"

rachel_ · Apr 28, 2016, 12:07 PM

This is what my mother snapped at me over the phone last night when I lost it. She checked into the behavior ward at the hospital she was taken to after there was concern that she damaged her kidneys drinking rubbing alcihol for a day. She said she only checked in because I wanted her to, and was talking about coming home since she hadn't been seen by a dr. I got upset and started sobbing, and that was what she said. How the **** am I supposed to react when I can see history getting ready to repeat itself? She was finally seen late last night and was supposed to be seen again this morning, but my question is how do I deal with someone who says stuff like that? I'm still mad at her about it.

seesaw · Apr 28, 2016, 12:32 PM

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It's hard to be in these relationships that are somewhat codependent (sorry if I'm assuming, it just sounds that way), where we are too emotionally invested in another person and can't help them. I think maybe she was projecting onto you that she can't handle your anxiety, when she really can't handle her own if she's ending up in the behavior ward because of it.

Hugs,
Seesaw

rachel_ · Apr 28, 2016, 01:55 PM

I hope she's going to find better ways to handle her anxiety...maybe she can teach them to me.

KarenSue · Apr 28, 2016, 03:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by rachel_

my question is how do I deal with someone who says stuff like that? I'm still mad at her about it.

Hi rachel_. I'm sorry she said that to you. It is not only unfair, but irrational, since she is the one who made you anxious!

My suggestion of how to react may not be popular, but works most times for me. I DON'T react. Period. I developed the "in one ear and out the other" technique a long time ago. (I'm 57).

If your mom doesn't want to deal with the anxiety she causes you, she certainly should think about that BEFORE she does that sort of thing. That is easy for me to say but in reality she likely won't heed that, or change. No one can control another, they can merely influence at best. Your mom is responsible for her actions, you are responsible for your actions, and reactions. She will say what she will say, but you have the choice/ability to ignore it. I'm not saying it is easy, but you could try. Hope I've helped.

rachel_ · Apr 28, 2016, 03:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by KarenSue

Hi rachel_. I'm sorry she said that to you. It is not only unfair, but irrational, since she is the one who made you anxious!

My suggestion of how to react may not be popular, but works most times for me. I DON'T react. Period. I developed the "in one ear and out the other" technique a long time ago. (I'm 57).

If your mom doesn't want to deal with the anxiety she causes you, she certainly should think about that BEFORE she does that sort of thing. That is easy for me to say but in reality she likely won't heed that, or change. No one can control another, they can merely influence at best. Your mom is responsible for her actions, you are responsible for your actions, and reactions. She will say what she will say, but you have the choice/ability to ignore it. I'm not saying it is easy, but you can try. Hope I've helped.

It will be a change from my usual way of dealing with her, but it sounds like a much better option than continuing to react like I did last night. Your suggestion definitely helps.

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avlady · Apr 28, 2016, 03:30 PM

i hate to say this too, as i've had to do with many others but take it with a grain of salt

rachel_ · Apr 28, 2016, 03:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by avlady

i hate to say this too, as i've had to do with many others but take it with a grain of salt

Right now, what I'm doing isn't working, so any other strategy will likely give me better results than reacting to her in my usual way.

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Pixies · Apr 28, 2016, 07:46 PM

I know this is very hard to do, but try to change a negative in a to a positive, kill them with kindness kind of approach. If she does this again, just respond with "This is me displaying my love and genuine concern about you" if it is a another negative response from your mom, just keep it short and remove yourself from the conversation. I have been in similar situations and in the old days, I would react and get upset and angry and stew on it for days. I am finally realizing now, to choose my battles wisely, because ultimately I am the only one who suffers in the end. In the moment you may feel annoyed, hurt or angry, but later on you will feel better for walking away and not engaging. Takes a lot of will power, but the results are worth it. Hope that helps and maybe gives you another insight. Hugs

Apr 29, 2016, 08:20 AM

"Mom, I like to help. What can I do?"

rachel_ · Apr 29, 2016, 09:21 AM

Thank you both. I appreciate your responses so much.

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