[Rose3]

not sure how to ask my father where is his will?

near 89
health - well - anything could happen at this time

(before something goes really wrong, he's already difficult to understand sometimes with his garbled speech)

boy,,,, a really tough spot you are in..
Since I am pretty blunt, I would probably just ask...
With my Mom, she had althiemers, so my father pretty much decided things... but with my Dad, he choose not to have a will - though he did choose everything for his funeral prior to passing... they were both in their 80's..it was surreal to go thru the process of choosing prior, it was very difficult but his request had to be honored.

I wish you the best..

[Rose3]

and to be blunt - what to ask?

I don't know if there are any pre-arranged funeral plans.
I don't know if he has made a will.

Sometimes he won't go for help when he really needs it, them someone else has to call to pick him up off the floor, etc, gets hospitalized
He hasn't known the kinds of supports that are available, so it has been through some recent experience that this is now in place, sort of.
But I'm trying to keep things going along smoothly
Then I'm scrambling around trying to hold things together and be supportive, etc.
But, it would help if I knew ahead of time whether he has made any of these arrangements
When I see him, he talks about things that he is concerned about (reasonably so - maybe obsessing a bit), then I have to spend time trying to find the answers

boy,,, that sounds famliar too.. it is a very rough time...

For me, it was "telling" my Dad that he needed to think about what he wanted to do.. Where did he want to be buried, cremated... sounds so brutal.. but my father was a different kinda fella.. is all I will say..

With the coversation about funeral.. it was making arrangements to go to a funeral home...

He wanted a say in his funeral... so it meant going with him to the funeral home, picking out the casket, picking out the music... do you want taps played at the funeral???...I know sounds so blunt...

Making arrangements prior to his death for the payment of the funeral..
Asking "dad, what do you have in your checking account"... "have you paid taxes"

And actually saying "if you don't have a will, you will need one"... but he said "no".... so that was his choice.. meant that everything was to be arranged between my sister and myself..

And asking him "to what means do you want to go to be saved in case of an emergency"..

just direct.. blunt questions...

but my Dad was a different kinda fella like I said... I could do this because all of my life till the end. he had a mean streak a mile wide.. and even just before his death he was still mean and orny and could tell you to "xxxx" off. (I am also an incest survior... so maybe my sister and I handled things differently because of that)..

But my Dad was very stuborn.. wanted everything just his way so that helped us..

sorry this isn't helping

[(JD)]

Yes it's very important to get the paperwork out of the way...that includes a trust so that everything can pass on to who he wants it to, without probate taking 1/2 of it, the pour-over will for anything he may have forgotten in the trust, and an advance directive regarding who he wants to make his medical decisions when he can't...and what he wants done when... and a durable power of attorney so that whomever he specifies can continue his business legally...durable because normal powers of attorney end when the giver becomes incompacitated or dies.

I find that generally the older person is appreciative of the concern, and is more than willing to talk about these things. Usually it's when family won't discuss such issues that the elderly feel isolated; they need to talk about it.

tc

[bebop]

I think you simply need to have a talk with him and ask him out right. just tell him that you realize he is aging and you need to know this information for when the time comes. I know it is not an easy thing to talk about but needs to be done. my best to you and your dad.

[Rhapsody]

Maybe just try asking him "if he has a will made out" and if he says YES - then proceed with telling him that you want to make sure all his dying wishes are carried out when the time comes, for you love him and would not want to do any thing that would have upset him.

Most aging parents will understand your concern.

[Rose3]

thanks for these ideas

it remains difficult

[AAAAA]

When a friend of the family became gravely ill, I brought the subject up with my father. He had his first heart attack at the age of 42. It had been 8 years since the attack and I know that he did not like to talk about these things because he had issues with his own mortality. I just mentioned how frantically our friends were trying to get things in order and I would not like to have to do the same. I told him were my husband and I keep our living wills and important papers and asked where his were. He did tell me, unfortunately he died 4 years later and had done remodeling work in the mean time and there was still the mad search for papers. I knew what he kept them in, just not where it was located.

[Perna]

I don't know if you have siblings or if your father has siblings or a lawyer, etc. Could be he's made arrangements with them. Generally the person asks whoever they want as executor of their estate whether or not they'll serve when they make a will up. I would just ask him if he has a lawyer and/or if he's made any arrangements you need to know about, see what he says to that.

My husband and I are in the process of making up our wills now, have visited the lawyer once and go back next week. But we've only discussed it with the one of his three sons who will be the backup/final executor.