[iamsuperlost]

Hi all, I'm new here.

I think coming to terms with how my life is going to look is a process. I knew she was bipolar before we even started dating, but in recent years I've thoroughly learned what that really means.

She's completely med compliant, she goes to therapy, goes to her psychiatrist, goes to her bipolar support group. I'm sure they all help immensely, but what that appears to mean is that there's more distance between the inevitable episodes. Nothing can stop the episodes outright.

In the spaces between episodes, we make plans. She throws herself into work (or finds new work, having lost old work as a result of the last episode), she tries new things, her ambition comes back and she talks about all the things she wants to do. I think we sometimes talk as if bipolar is over and we can have a normal life.

And then another episode comes along and wipes it all out.

I am so, so tired. I feel helpless. I worry that if anything happens to me she won't be able to make it on her own because she can't keep a job longer than about a year. Every time this happens I feel the urge to go and up the life insurance policy I took out on myself. If I died tomorrow, how big of a sum would I need to leave her to make sure she was okay for the rest of her life? Is $1,000,000 enough to last a whole life? Probably not. And what about her health insurance? I can't leave her that and her meds cost about $1600 a month without really good Rx insurance - that's of course not counting the cost of doctors visits and therapy.

And I'm also angry. I'll admit it's not my best look, but the feelings are there nevertheless. Angry at the fact that I'll never get to have a marriage without this dark cloud hanging over. Angry at the fact that I don't feel like she does everything she can to alleviate her condition (exercise, not eating junk food, insuring she gets adequate sleep). And then angry at myself for being angry and having those selfish feelings.

I just don't know anymore. I feel demoralized and sad and scared and hopeless at the same time. I hate bipolar so much, and I'm not even the one that has to live with in lurking in my brain.

Thanks for reading.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Iamsuperlost: I'm sorry you are in this most difficult situation. Since this is your first post, here on PC, welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[LucyG]

I feel your pain.

Here's something to consider. I have bipolar 2, was medication compliant and still had episodes far more than expected until I finally went off the meds and started treating myself using amino acids and the mineral supplement lithium orotate. Now my bipolar is the best it's been in my entire life, and I've had depression since I was a young teen, and the bipolar it's now over 35 years.

The thing I believe and I think it could be proven is that those of us with this disposition aren't able to adequate produce the proper neurotransmitters needed to keep our moods stable. I compare it to a child who has juvenile diabetes who has to take insulin. By taking amino acids and the lithium orotate supplement, I'm giving my brain the building blocks of the neurotransmitters needed t keep my mood stable. I've been doing this for over 9 years, and once I added the lithium about 4 years ago, it's amazing how stable my moods are. I have some ups and downs but they occur when something upsets me just like a person without a mood disorder. My moods aren't out of control for no reason, and if they do shift up or down, I just take whatever supplement is needed and it's usually back on track within 24 hours.

My husband is absolutely amazed as well as I was a challenge to live with even when on the meds.

Another great thing is I'm not tied to a Pdoc who runs my life like I was when on meds. That alone saves us a fortune.

Here are some good sites and links on the subject:

This is the largest non-drug mental health site with tons of articles and links:

This is a brain function questionnaire showing the emotions related to the various neurotransmitters and what amino acid to take:

http://drjolee.com/Brain-Function-Questionnaire.pdf

This is a great book on amino acids and how to use them:

http://www.painstresscenter.com/Heal...oductinfo/AA5/

I appreciate that it is hard and you sound like a great husband.

I don't have an answer for you. I was married and divorced 15 yrs ago. I don't plan on doing it again.

Originally Posted by iamsuperlost

And I'm also angry. I'll admit it's not my best look, but the feelings are there nevertheless. Angry at the fact that I'll never get to have a marriage without this dark cloud hanging over. Angry at the fact that I don't feel like she does everything she can to alleviate her condition (exercise, not eating junk food, insuring she gets adequate sleep). And then angry at myself for being angry and having those selfish feelings.

You deserve to be angry. You've been put in a very frustrating position, but only because you are a good man, an old-school husband, a protector and provider. I know exactly what you're going through (except in my marriage, I'm obviously the sick one), but like 3V, I have no answers.

I would like to comment again , adding that many people with bipolar can do everything "Right" in terms of self-care, but still have episodes.

[htoun]

I think everyone gets tired and frustrated with things we can't fix. Or feel that we aren't helping or not helping enough.

I get so very mad and frustrated with my sons ex some days I wish her away. I think she got pregnant to have someone who would love her, of course babys don't work that way. Then I get mad at myself for thinking bad about her it isn't her fault that she was tortured as a child. She never had a chance. She loves her son and is trying to be a good mother. Then I get mad that she holds on to her family but I guess it's the devil you know. Oh and I am beyond mad at her family cause some times it feels like I am paying for their choices. Some days I am just mad. But then I watch my son with his they are good together. Or like tonight when my grandson held up each of his new toys he got for his birthday (turned 3) and tried to show them to his aunt on the phone, with out words. He also hugged and kissed the phone good bye. So I guess around here I try to make the smiles out weigh the frustration. Not easy as I said some days I just spout hate (never around grandson or her). Just keep reminding yourself you are human your allowed to be mad and frustrated and grumpy.

I found it helps to vent though you have to be careful who you vent to because well meaning people say very annoying things about mental health. Or make suggestions that would never work. That is why I hang out here no one says " well you just have to tell her... "

Hopefully you will find some people here that will help you