Going down with the ship

Hi - new here. I'm a stressed mess and hoping to get some comfort, coping skills, and help with decisions based on other's experiences.

My husband went on disability for psychiatric reasons about 1 1/2 years ago. He'd been going downhill for about 12 years though. After he quit his job two years ago (when he had his big melt down), my own physical health went haywire. I was experiencing intractable migraines that consumed my life. I was missing 30-40 hours of work a month. During that time I was in therapy.

So, to try to get some family support, I decided to uproot, move near them, and quit a great job. Yeh, that alleviated stress--NOT. As if the house sale and move weren't stressful enough, in the last year since I've been near my family I have not gotten the love and support I had hoped for. It's been a huge disappointment.

Add to that the worst time in economic history in my lifetime to move to an already economically depressed area, so I haven't found a job. It's a god send that my former job is keeping me on contract. So, at least we're making barely enough to get by. Though I'm making 1/2 what I was, and my rent is 2X what my mortgage was.

I have made positive steps:
*In therapy to deal with my hurt over my dysfunctional family and stress over my husband. I have also been diagnosed with Bipolar II, where previously I was only seen for depression. I must say the Lamictal has cleared my mind.

*Started exercising at least 3 times a week and lost a ton of weight.

*Am seeing a new neurologist has worked with me to get my migraines under control (only two a month!) and gotten me off the pain meds (which I think were leading to rebound. I never abused).

*Have gotten close with my former best friend again and have worked to develop a network of associations. I have even picked up a couple freelance jobs, so my career seems to be slowly picking up even though full-time jobs seem non-existant.

But I still find myself reeling and crashing. The holidays were a huge trigger with my family. It really hurts. It's too long of an explanation, and I am working on skills to help me not have expectations that lead me to be vulnerable and hurt.

But, back to my husband as it is the most important relationship to me and a huge stress. He has a long list of diagnoses (Borderline, dependent, and avoidant personality disorders; social anxiety; ptsd; bipolar II; depression plus LDs). He has gotten so withdrawn and depends solely on me for his every support. He has no self-love (or even tolerance), has no resiliency, very few coping skills, He has been in therapy in earnest for the last 12 years or so, but he's gone downhill and downhill.

My thoughts swing from wanting out of the relationship to thinking I can stick with it.

From: I just can't be with someone who thinks he is incapable of self-love, so averse to social situations, so clinging that it's suffocating; someone who doesn't contribute to the household consistently. I love him but am not romantically attracted to him anymore.

To: He's been working so hard on himself. We do communicate better than ever, as we have both worked in our therapies to do so. He has always loved, supported, and respected me. We have similar interests if we can ever get back to them. Maybe I can love him again, if.... but will it take so long and be so intense that it wipes me out...?

Well, that's where I'm at. I'm trying, but I feel like I'm going down with the ship.

welcome to pc, seaglass! i'm glad you found us. i'm so sorry that you and your family are going through so much right now. so many people are suffering right now due to the economic fallout.
regarding your husband on disability...have you looked into some psychosocial groups for him? his pdoc perhaps may think that's a good idea to help your husband. my husband is schz. and will be starting to attend a group in 2 months. i'm hoping he can benefit from the group too.
you're doing so many things to help yourself, like the exercising, that i can see you are a problem solver and willing to make things better for you all. not everyone is willing to make that positive effort. good for you!
as for all that is going on i'd make a check list of things that you can get done to stabalize the situations going on. be realistic and only write down things that you feel you can accomplish. the rest will take care of themselves. it helps me if i don't get overwhelmed with everything at once. just try to deal with today and as each day comes do the same. this might help you get off overload.
your husband and your relationship will turn out as exactly as it's supposed to be. you are all under a lot of stress right now. be kind to yourself. just keep the focus on the positive things you are doing, love him with kindness, and you keep us posted here at pc. i wish for sunnier days for you soon. i will pray for you and your family.

Thank you madisgram - I will definitely try to be kind to myself and self-love. I just get so resentful during certain situations, and the little things are getting to me.

I ask myself. In sickness and in health, right? I've always looked at his illnesses as equal to any physical illness. And I've wondered how others who are caring with someone who has a physical disability deal with the more intense personal care that is often involved. I wonder if they ever get to the point where they think of leaving or actually leave because they are so burnt?

I definitely treat him with love, respect, kindness, and encouragement. I keep my annoyances under wraps (most of the time). We don't fight, which is good, but I blew up at him a few weeks ago. I felt he was squandering his time and not being active enough with therapy. I also made the observation that they were only dealing with his depression and anxiety when I felt the personality disorders were really at the root of it all. It was a new realization for me, and he's starting to agree with me. He was only setting therapy appt. every three weeks or so. I definitely go through to him, and he's stepped it up and even got a new psychiatrist. He was frustrated with the other. This guy is soooo thorough. They even took blood. BTW, They called on Saturday and set an appt. for Monday, because they had a concern . So he's ways stressed (as am I, hence irritable), my patience thin, but we'll get through it. We are hoping it's thyroid or blood sugar (the Abilify that he started a few weeks ago at the direction of his old psychiatrist was making him crave and binge on sweets, nice, huh?). Both pretty easy to deal with. Well anyway, my husband is pleased with the suggested medication changes the new guy made.

I'm also pushing him to try DBT again. He tried it once for a couple months about a year and a half ago. He is terrified of social situations (even a group) and is rather an elitist. It didn't help that one of his therapists told him a while back, that he's too smart for it. ugh. It's about getting skills not an academic exercise.

It's taking alot out of me to intervene with his therapy (something I don't normally do), but I felt things were dire enough to jump in. (Is there a Sisyphys icon?) I plan to ease up once he's making things happen for himself. That'll help I'm sure.

Thanks for the re-assurance about the marriage working out the way it is supposed to. I gotta trust the universe on that one. I'm working on a paradigm shift in my mind, not worrying about potential outcomes or situations. Trying to take it one day at a time, that I only need to deal with today, not three or six months from now. Reading those words from an outside source really helps. Thank you so very much.

I am willing to accept any advice on getting through day to day that you or anyone else has to offer. A menu of options would be a good thing.
seaglass

seaglass saw your response. do you feel that a support group for yourself would help? just a thought.
my husband is schizophrenic so i can definitley relate to daily frustrations being the caregiver. we had him in a facility but found that it was unacceptable. i have my challenges but having a support group helps me.

We have alot in common it seems. I am just too depressed I think to write all that. However, our stories are very similiar. You are not alone and I hope you can find lots of support here.

Yes, definitely. That's why I'm on this board for sure.

Is the support group you attend for caregivers of the psychiatrically impaired exclusively or is it general for any caregiver? Just curious and am wondering if it makes a difference. I'll have to check around to see what might be around here. I'd start with our local hospital, don't ya think? I can ask my therapist too.

Thanks for relating. You seem like you're where I want to be with all this. I'm new, but it has been helpful so far; and you in particular have given me a positive perspective, kind shoulder to lean on, and some realy good suggestions. I so appreciate it.

i'd check with his pdoc about special caregiver support groups for your dealing with your husbands issues.(psychiatrically impaired) i think it would be more helpful if it's a group that is dealing with the challenges of caregiving a mentally ill person as you are.and your T can give you good ideas too for what would be best for you. keep us posted, will you? best wishes..jan

Thanks jdoe123, I wish you well and much support too. I'll be here for you when you get a little more out of the dumps. Sounds like we could help eachother out. Do something extra nice just for you today. You deserve it.

Thanks again Jan - I'll look into it. Thanks for the good advice. I will. You take care too.

Seaglass, do you ever attend your husband's therapy sessions with him? How about talking to his therapist about your concerns?

Yes, I did go to one a couple weeks ago. I think/hope it was helpful. I was able to express my opinion of things, which was good for me. My husband was pretty apprehensive at first, I think, but when he realized I wasn't going to drop any bombs on him or attack him; he was okay. It's just the way he thinks. I hope it helped his therapist to get another point of view.

For the last couple/few weeks (after I kinda lost it and then met with him and his therapist), he's been doing a bit more about the house--shopping, laundry, helps me clean; he's even playing guitar some every day. But I know his motivation is coming from his fear of losing me. He and his therapist said as much. It seems to be more about him for him and not about him for me. Does that make sense? Anyway, I asked him about this and asked him point blank to at least tell me he appreciates what I do, but I haven't been hearing that. I don't know how I can ask any louder for help, but I know he isn't capable at this point either. It's such a conundrum, and it sucks.

I just don't see how he will be a full partner again. And I just can't seem to get past that his small contributions are enough anymore and not hearing enough that I'm appreciated. Maybe I'm just so burnt out and feel like such a drudge from having to hold it all together for both of us and doing just about everything for so long.

The last 12 years have not been so hard, and I just feel that joy and happiness have been put to pasture. I long for a lust for life again.

Now, I'm wallowing.

Thanks for asking and caring.