best friend with depression won't call me/don't know how to help or what to say

my best friend since the 7th grade (we're 30 now, almost ), we'll call her J, has had a series of bad jobs and has moved several times in the last few years. the last time she moved was just a few months ago and she lost her health insurance. she was taking wellbutrin, lexapro and lamictal. her dad's a pdoc, so she knew better than to go cold turkey, but she still had to stop way faster than she needed to. anyway, she wasn't on meds for a while and felt like crap. she's pretty much needed to be on an AD since we were 12... so when's she's off it it gets really bad and she shuts down. doesn't want to do anything. stops calling people. then she gets anxious because the longer she doesn't call someone the more anxious she gets that they're going to be mad at her for not calling. we all love her and want her back, so she knows she hasn't anything to worry about but i've got anxiety problems way worse than her and i know how the vicious cycle starts.
so anyway, she lives about 300 miles from me and won't answer voicemail, email and her fiance has been unable to get her to talk to me. i talk to her about once a month now. we used to talk on the phone at least once a day, maybe even more.
i'm going through some rough times myself, but i don't shut down like she does and i want to talk to everyone and anyone about it. i get that she's not like that, but i don't know what to do to help her or make her feel better.
i'm actually in physical and mental pain not being able to talk to her. i love her so much. we bonded instantly in the 7th grade when i was the new kid at her school. i can't bear to be without her. she's my platonic soulmate, the other half of my brain. ugh, i'm tearing up typing this.

it hurts me so much that i can't help her or make her feel better and i'm afraid of what to say to her. do i try to cheer her up? do i try to talk about me, do i ask her what she would want to talk about? do i act like nothing's wrong? i don't know if she is tired of talking about her condition or if she wants to talk. when she calls she's really good at faking it and acting like stuff is normal. i've asked her if she's being anxious about calling people and she says she is. she knows it's irrational, but she can't help it. i understand that so clearly and i wish she could talk to me. i'm better with the anxiety stuff and she's had more dealings with depression.
her dad says the medicine should be working more now, but it's not. she still doesn't have any insurance and is getting samples from her dad and he's helping pay for the rest.

what do i do? my mom suggested i write her a letter...like a real letter, but i don't know if she'll read it. she won't read my emails. return calls or listen to voicemail. she's told me this.

i'm missing her like part of me is gone. it's like she's dead, but worse because she's not. i know she's there, i just can't get to her.

any ideas?

Hi Ruby..I hope you are finding some good moments today...

Your issue is one that, I think, is the other side of the coin of personal suffering...those that Love someone with an illness.

Any illness.

The position of observer,,especially an experienced and educated one, is one of supreme powerlessness and profound frustration.

What to do,,what to say, how to react, how far is far enough and when am I becoming part of the problem...Endless questions from a heart "needing" to help.

I am an alcoholic. I have been Graced with some recovery. My life is better now. But recovery changes my perspective and now I see suffering far differently that I once did. It hurts deeply to see people in pain...some of that is good,,,some not so...

My son,,an accorn in good standing, now suffers with his addiction and I hurt daily for him. We talk,,often while he is remorsefull and staggered. I listen,,knowing the hell he endures often cringing while he talks of a place with no doors or windows...

Your friend seems to be in such a place and her need for isolation darkens her room even more. It hurts, I know,,to know that she has options she cannot see.

All we can do,,any of us,,all of us,,,is to be the light,,the example,,a source of inspiration, encouragement and Love. I don't mean to diminish that by saying "all we can do"..because that "all" is often more than enough.....It's just that we are stuck waiting for the pot to boil...and those moments can be long....

Send her a card,,sharing with her your experience, strength and hope. Do it often..tell her you Love her,,,that she is priceless and that you miss her. But tell her you will wait and that your patience is a testiment to your confidence in her,,that she will heal.

Your job,,like all of us who Love someone who suffers,,is to keep the light burning. That light is often the one they will see when they seek a way out of the darkness.

With Care,

Lenny

thanks lenny for responding. i will do that. i'll write her real letters and send them. hopefully she'll read them.
that's all i can do, short of driving up to where she lives and seeing her for real.
thanks for your support though. i don't come to this forum much. seems i'm a thread killer with just my initial post. i'm always happy when someone responds at all.

We here at PC are well aware of your feelings...

You are not a thread killer,,,we all need to be more aware of threads without replies...I know I am gulity at times of reading a thread that overwhelms me...I feel stuck...without the "right" things to say....

In those times I should post that I have read the post and that I am thinking on it....and that the person has been heard...

I am working on doing better at that...

And pick out a real good Hallmark....people are always impressed by the time spent looking for the right card...I know I am...

Lenny