[jesseryn]

In the past month since I've been on Topamax for Bipolar, I've been all over the place, cycling like crazy. But the worst part is the constant emptiness, anxiety, and the feeling that I can only feel loved intermittenty. Some days I feel like I'm wearing some kind of armour that is shielding me from accepting the love of others.

The other day my boyfriend was trying to hug and kiss me, and it made me feel so uncomfortable; it was like I didn't know who he was, I really didn't emotionally recognize him. The worst part about feeling so detached is that I have no sense of remorse, or consideration for my boyfriend -- I feel like I'm single!! But then, after deciding to sleep alone (without my BF) I was surprised that when he called and woke me up at 5am that I suddenly felt like his voice was just radiating love to me! It was such a fast swing, occurring in less than 3 hours. There were no extenuating circumstances, or reasons that I should resent him.

I believe I'm being diagnosed as Bipolar, but I think I may also have BPD; BPD seems to fit for how I've felt all of my life, Bipolar just in the past year.

jesseryn,

I'm so sorry this is happening. Make sure you talk to T about the meds.

It's an awful, empty feeling.

I too, have trouble with "incoming" love. I feel love for others, but can't seem to get theirs past my armour.

I hope yours falls and crashes into bits.

Petunia

[jesseryn]

I haven't added in an SSRI yet, so I think that could help me. But I'm still so early in the disorder (I'm 19) so I really don't know what is permanent and what can be improved upon at this point.