Untouchable Topics

I had what I consider today as a good T session yesterday. I went in with something I had written and then made side-notes questions about. I forced myself to sit there and go through the things I had written one by one. My T was very accommodating.

Even though I was able to do this with good success, there were still some comments/questions that I still skipped. I thought about the issues I skipped last night and why they were determined to be untouchable. One issue I can understand why I choose not to discuss it because of past abuse. However there was another issue that, when I search for a reason for not bringing it up, I can't find one. This leaves me thinking, WTH? Does anyone else have an experience like this? An issue/topic that you choose deliberately to skip over or avoid for no apparent reason? Something that you could have talked about, were even asked about but just kind of brushed over. Something that others talk about all the time when sharing their feelings and wouldn't necessarily be considered abnormal. But for some reason, it is an untouchable topic for YOU to talk about.

Not sure exactly, I know shame is a big no, no for me and what I consider to be shameful such as telling someone just how much they mean to you. I will skirt around that and even sometimes go as far as to pretend they mean nothing to me, because to me to tell someone how much you care about them is somehow connected to then being exposed and open to being shamed, such as, the person bursting out laughing and saying, well your a mug coz I don't care about you.

When I find something like that in me, I "flag" it, kind of like with a golf course? :-) I know, as you seem to have picked up with yourself, there's more there I should explore. Those things are what I zoom in on. If I can make a list, then those are "old" topics and not living anymore and were told to my T "second-hand" since I already knew them. It's talking about the stuff with your T you don't know about yourself yet, haven't thought about, that make the whole relationship work and worth while.

McKell, sometimes I will skip things because when it gets to the moment, that thing is actually as important as I thought it was earlier to talk about, and more pressing things are coming out. So I am always re-prioritizing, even as I sit in T's office. It's impossible to fit everything in a session, so the most in the moment stuff is given priority.

Other times, I skirt an issue based on subtle (or sometimes not so subtle) feedback from T. Sometimes I may raise a topic, or hint at one, and I get vibes from him that he doesn't want to talk about this, so I don't. Sometimes he changes the topic and it can irk me. And then in the future I feel why bother bringing that topic up, he hasn't wanted to talk about it on other occasions. (This whole sequence happens most frequently around my divorce, when sometimes it seems like he is most fixated on wanting to talk about that, as if it is the only thing going on for me.)

Sometimes there are topics I have been embarrassed to talk about or ashamed about (like abuse). I think these shame topics require great trust with the therapist and you shouldn't force them to come out before you and the relationship are secure enough. Just skip over them. Their time will come.

Lately I have felt I have a topic I really want to talk to him about but I am afraid he will think I am a lunatic or starting to lose my mind. This is a current problem. I have a session today and am torn over whether to tell him this issue.

This is similar to another group of stuff I might not want to talk about--maybe he would think ill of me if I did. But this tended to be earlier in therapy and I am pretty much over this feeling and have shown him many aspects of myself of which I am not proud.

I have also felt on occasion that I shouldn't share certain stuff because I have waived my right to confidentiality and he will go blab it to other people.

And then there is the stuff that I keep from him because he is also my divorce coach and I don't want him to think I am unfit to be a mom.

Wow, the list is endless.

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Mouse said:
...what I consider to be shameful such as telling someone just how much they mean to you. I will skirt around that and even sometimes go as far as to pretend they mean nothing to me, because to me to tell someone how much you care about them is somehow connected to then being exposed and open to being shamed,..

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This is definitely something I do a lot.
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Perna said:
If I can make a list, then those are "old" topics and not living anymore and were told to my T "second-hand" since I already knew them.

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OK, sort of went there, finally.

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It's talking about the stuff with your T you don't know about yourself yet, haven't thought about, that make the whole relationship work and worth while.

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*&@#$*!!

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Perna said:
If I can make a list, then those are "old" topics and not living anymore and were told to my T "second-hand" since I already knew them.It's talking about the stuff with your T you don't know about yourself yet, haven't thought about, that make the whole relationship work and worth while.

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Yes I believe so too.

I've found myself this week re-reading the comments of others in various threads this week. People have shared some good comments this week.

Perna's, "It's talking about the stuff with your T you don't know about yourself yet, haven't thought about, that make the whole relationship work and worth while." is classic.

Thanks everyone

I certainly have areas that I cannot talk about. I guess it is shame, and they are things I feel ashamed about or feel like I'm not conforming to what I should be like. Of course this does not always apply to everything I feel ashamed about though.

Slowly as trust grows between you and whoever you talk to about your issues you may just one day decide you can bring it up, or at least discuss that there is something bothering you and try to use their guidance to explore why it is you hold back on certain thoughts (not necessarily going into them).

I think we are all made up of so many aspects and each have our very own personal thoughts, and so it's inevitable that we may feel uneasy (even if it is subconsiously) talking about them.

This is a good thread, thanks McKell.

Yeah, I think we can consider ourselves all "the untouchables." I remember when I first started therapy I had areas I refused to discuss. Some of them I can't even remember why I didn't want to discuss them, but I am certain shame lives within me. Some others are embarrassing, and/or had to do with sex--and I don't discuss that easily. (Yeah, what a prude.) And yet, there are still other things I just didn't and don't want to feel again, such as certain losses.

Maybe what you are avoiding is hidden in your unconscious and attached to the seemingly normal event, Maybe it holds some pain that will show itself when you are ready.

Peace

I sometimes wonder how much is learned by issues that we never raise.

One thing I learned is that I'm very well defended. So, I used that to start taking chances. I know beyond a doubt that I can raise the drawbridge, drop the portcullis, cue the archers, boiling hot oil/tar guys on the ramparts, and gators in the moat long before the other person can even blink when I get triggered so I let myself defend myself! That leaves "Me" free to stick my toe in the water.

Say something you're afraid to say or imagine T getting angry; what's going to happen? You'll shut down. It's like watching a scary movie on TV, so you get scared, so what? You recover, the movie ends, etc. Knowing that gives me a great feeling of power and control. I can "taunt" myself with scary things knowing that I've experienced the worst that can happen before and can again if necessary but I might as well see how long I can stand out here naked before I have to shut down? May not have to this time or not as soon, etc. The more "space"/further from the castle I can get the more comfortable I'm gonna be and fewer fears I'll have. Eventually you have a whole kingdom, all yours, and friendly citizens all around.

Sounds like you make it a contest for yourself. The funny thing is that is exactly what I did this past session. I made comments on one of the things I wrote and dared myself to actually raise them. I've learned how to play the challenge game well.

You just made me think of something I wrote about in my journal a few weeks ago. I had just reconnect with a childhood friend and I had a lot of memories floating around in my head and my husband not meaning to but just wanting attentions was making things a lot worse. So I had a lot going on in my brain.

I don't usually remember my dreams/nightmares, I just on occasion, I physically feel the residual effects of them.There were a few days in a row where I was waking up in the middle of the night very keyed up, hair on the back of the neck standing up, and anxious to the point that I actually had to get up in order to shake the feeling and settle back down. It was really weird because like I said I don't dream much so to feel this way on consecutive days was strange. On the 3 or 4th morning as I was starting to awaken (maybe I was still dreaming), As I opened my eyes and realized that I was actually practicing repeatedly triggering myself and then calming myself. It was so wild, it was like I was practicing increasing my tolerance to a particular trigger. What ever my subconscious was doing kind of worked because after that the episodes stopped.

hmmmmmmmmmm i guess that's a good thing.
confusing all this.
perna - i totally get the protected castle thing - i have one just like it in my mind and have painted it. here's the catch - i'm the complete opposite of how you explain myself and if there were such a thing as a "maid in distress" or a maiden locked in a tower - that would be the me that goes to t. Lol- and i just cut 8 inches of hair off, so no "rapunzle" act for me out the window.
I really don't know how to get by it. The censor shut down part (like you said the protector part of you) is so very strong - i can only get past it in writing. In speech, it dominates. Insta-shut down. =(

Kiya, my T explained to me that she and I were trying to dismantle the wall. That can only be done by exploring it, brick-by-brick and finding the one chink where it's weakest. Yes you'll shut down, but somewhere you might not quite so well or so fast and you can start working from that side and your T will start working from that outside. But you have to let your T in, they can't do anything about the wall themselves, can only help from their side once you identify where to start.

a good analogy - i'll hold on to that one.