i dont know what to do...

im a 19 year old girl..i developed anorexia when i was 14 and experienced severe dissociative states as a result. i was suicidal and planing on killing myself by starvation and then freezing to death by falling asleep in a snow drift. i cant remember the first time i cut myself...i think i was 13 with a piece of broken glass. i did cocaine for the first time when i was 15. i was obsessed with becoming a model.
also, when i was 15 i experienced full blown cotard's delusion it lasted a couple daysand i did not come out of my room during that period, however it then dissipated.
i did coke all through highschool and was severely depressed the whole time. i saw a bunch of psychologists but i literally didnt speak about anything so obviously nothing changes. in college last year i went insane. i did alot of mdma and in the beginning blow. my sleep cycle was non-exsistent. by the second semester i was addicted to cutting myself and began to fantasize about bleeding to death. the fantasies crept into my daily life so that i would sit in class and practically get high off of these daydreams. i decided to kill myself and planned to slit my wrists in the bathroom of my dorm house in the middle of the night. by this time i was completely detached from reality, my thoughts were real and the world wasnt. then i did alot of E with my friend and in that state i told her that i wanted to kill myself. she ended up giving me an ultimatum that if i didnt see a counselor she would tell our dean. so i did.
anyway, im home now and ive become absorbed in a sort of fantasy world ive created but i cannot stop feeling suicidal. i believe i have a personality disorder and i really would be so grateful if someone would talk to me about it.

HI Dreamtolive,

Welcome

do you know what triggered your anorexia? perhaps youre desire to be a model?

are you ok with that now?

do you think you could talk to a therapist now? it might help you and they can give you ideas of whats wrong and how to deal with it - its hard to talk to a T - but it has been worth it in my case - I was suicidal when i saw my T - the 4th i think id seen - he really understood and helped me - so maybe you just need to find the right T to help.

you went to college i see so yuo are trying to do well - good on you for that

but you are obviously struggling and need help - and reaching out is a great thing to do

please keep posting and letting us know how you are ok

P7