[lostinfantasies]

Am I a bit of a control freak?

Earlier in college, a friend accidentally mentioned whether another friend was fine with me being there to tell her something, and she sort of clammed up, avoided the question, etc. Which meant she wasn't. Which is fine, except for the fact that now, I obviously know that something was going on.

Sometimes, I wish the first friend hadn't said that/I hadn't heard. I wouldn't have known then, and ignorance is bliss, and all that. I wouldn't have been annoyed at not being told things (I absolutely hate being kept in the dark if I *know* I'm being kept in the dark).

It's like my (stupid) fear of insects and spiders. If I don't know that they're there, on the walls or on the floor or whatever, I'm fine. I don't know anything. I don't panic about them or freak out because *I don't know*. But if I catch a quick glimpse of them, that's it. I have to know where they are at all times. If they go behind the furniture or whatever, I freak, because I don't know where they are and I don't know what's going to happen or where they're going to come out of, etc. I'm not the one in control. All I can think about is the fact that there's a thing that's crawling around and it's somewhere and I don't know where. It's like...I have to know.

And, I think that the control thing can be applied to other aspects of my life, as well. I hate not knowing things. With university and college and that sort of thing, I have to make plans just in case every little thing goes wrong. If I fail this subject or that exam, what I have to do to make it up (either retake the exam, the subject, etc.), what I have to change. I've always made myself big mental (and sometimes verbal or written) plans about my education, my future, etc. I have to be prepared. I have to know what I'm doing if something goes wrong.

I don't honestly know whether this control thing is human nature or something else entirely. It's in most aspects of my life (and in the rest, I see controlling characteristics) and has been a part of my life for quite a while (years, even, as I remember this happening when I was fourteen, fifteen, and I'm almost eighteen now).

My counsellor at college (started seeing one now! ) says I should just try and go with the flow and stop making plans for not-inevitable possibilities. But I do it all the time, and while I know I've got a problem, I actually *like* being in control, you know?

[Rhapsody]

Most people control their present life for they never had control of their past.... that which wounded and hurt them.... YOU feel safe when YOU are in CONTROL.

I learned to let go after I started to walk my path to HEALING.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[toonkate]

i dont know if its that big a thing or not, im pretty similar.
i guess the question is does it cause you problems and upset? and if the answer is yes, then you need to try do something about it.

i think most people are the same with the insect thing, unless of cousre they aint bothered by creepy crawlies.
same with what happened with your friends, anyone in your siruation would feel the same

Hi lostinfantasies,
I can relate to what you've written.
You've learned to cover your assets from all directions. That's not neccessarily a bad thing until you start to imprison yourself in it or you start trying to control OTHER people's lives.
You are who you are and if it makes you feel better to have a whole map in front of you instead of going road sign by road sign then there's nothing I can see that's wrong with it. If others are bothered by it because it inconveniences them and they're doing the eyeball roll thingy then ignore them. You do what you gotta do.
As far as your friends being secretive about something is concerned-I'm with you on that one. I'd be bothered by it too as would a lot of other people. There's nothing abnormal or controlling about that one.
Quit second guessing yourself.
Okay-so you like getting into details-you're a detail oriented person. Nothing wrong with it.
Yeah, you could go with the flow and you'd know which way the flow came from how fast it was going and how fast it's going to leave and in what direction. Gotta love it!!!
((((((((((lostinfantasies)))))))))))