Seriously messed up...i think?

differentat17 · 12:18 PM

well first im 17, and just a little background of what i think trigger whatever is wrong with me, poverty(my mom lost her job during the 2008 crash). I met my father once when i was 10 and visited over the course of a few months, then never saw him again after he was sent to prison in a different state, after breaking up with a girl when i was 15 i had all these emotions and on impulse i had sex with the closest person i had to a friends' sister, she ended up pregnant by a different guy the day after she took my virginity, so she couldnt be sure who was the father. I didnt tell anybody anything and carried it around for 9 months, luckily im not a father. But after that when i entered highschool i was disconnected from evryone, i didnt have friends i quit the rotc class i was in, i stopped showing up for school, and i think evrything changed when i became an outsider to wrestling, i loved wrestling, the practice, the matches, the mat, and when i lost that i lost myself. And hear i am a year later a dropout with daddy issues, identity problems, no direction or motivation with a negative and nihillistic outlook on life, i stuggle with suicidal thoughts haunting me almost everyday, i havent left my house in a year, havent spoken to anyone outside of my mother, brother or sister, and i just feel like i dont know who i am, why im here or what im supposed to do, the only thing that vents my emptiness is music, i have this cycle of getting mad over something that doesnt warrant the level of rage i feel, screaming at anyone who opens the door, then i turn out the lights and turn on the music, then i go through this period of anger, sadness, jealousy, confusion, then nothing. A numbness that i would do anything to stop, ive thought about cutting but id rather kill myself, but then i sta rt to wonder if im imagining all these problems or like blowing them out of proportion, or if im really messed up, either way i know i need help but i always find myself to scared or i just dont know how or i literally just dont care what happens, even if there is nothing wrong with me and it in my head i still need help i just dont know how to ask for it, i also dont know who i am, i think i do but then it will change, sometimes i see myself as a drug addict who doesnt care, but then i see myself as the helping caring person that i think i want to be, but its so confusing in my head and the only time i feel like im not going insane is when i play video games where nothing matters and i can temporarily escape myself. I didnt realize how much i would write so ill just end it here, im sorry for the huge post and appreciate the help.