mass confusion

So in the chaos of trying to figure out where I am misfiring theres a bit of confusion going on.

I started seeking mental help with problems for depression and I have a bit of a Adhd problem.
After a few months or so my doctor wants to diagnose me as having aspergers. Which I didnt quite settle with me because i feel they would of picked it up in school.
I was referred to a childhood developmental disorders specialist who says he doesnt think its aspergers but rather schizoid pd.
I also have done nuero testing but still waiting on results.

Part of the confusion is that I also was born prematurely, and have had a couple of minor concussions. ie no loss of consciousness.

In all I happened to think looking at what they've brought up and what i have learned I feel that I am more along the lines of schizotypal (I also fit the background for it, bad pregnancy and emotionally uninvolved and manipulative parents). I want to be with people but at the same time i dont, i cant handle it (walmart is a nightmare i want to hurt people cause all the kids are crying) i dont have the patient nor do i trust people. I dont like to tell anyone anything, it takes a lot of teeth pulling, I feel like that information will somehow be used against me even if its someone i trust. I've been called out before on my "worry". People have second agendas, thats why i love dogs so much more, I can trust them. Shoot even if someone talks to me a certain why or does something i think their up to something. On that same note I feel like this has been getting worse for the past 2 years (im only 20) granted i had problems "fitting in" as a child but did well in school. I day dream a lot and struggle with concentrating my therapist has even mentioned i disassociate like crazy. And while i dont tell anyone really about it i do have some odd beliefs about events that probably dont make any sense but they're true to me. I havent really explained them to anyone... not sure why, if im scared they wont believe me or what. I feel like a big facade, I just show people what they want. Sometimes i feel like I just feel like my body moves on and drags my soul along. A lotta weird things, lotta deja vu moments, at times i feel like im not real or not even connected my bodys just moving in auto pilot (really scary when your trying to walk down the stairs at school haha!).
I get depressed a lot, especially as of late. I get lonely I dont have really any good friends here (maybe like 1) most people are just acquaintances. My emotions get out of control, I get very angry, especially If i feel like someone is trying to be mean or take advantage of me which causes problems at work a lot...
I dont know is there anybody who can help me clear up this mess?

I can really relate to this. I’m not a clinician, just someone who had a PD and has done a lot of research. So . . . someone who can help you clear up this mess? You mentioned a therapist – how did you find him/her, how do you feel about him/her, are they expert in PD’s and dissociation?

I’ve been through a lot of therapists who didn’t have a clue when it came to PD’s, apparently didn’t know to recognize and diagnose them either. Have been seeing a specialist in dissociation and trauma for 3 years and it has made a big difference.

It takes a while, with a therapist who can really deal with the “messes”, and if you’re with one who doesn’t seem to be able to, then (1) try to talk it out with them, and if you can’t (2) find a PD, dissociation, or other specialist.

Good luck and best wishes to you!!

I like my therapist.... I dont know i feel mixed about her. I dont like telling people my problems and shes really nice but i still feel weary. I know shes been practicing for a while and specialises in art therapy but I dont know is shes an expert? but thats why she sent me to see a pdoc?

Yes, it sounds really good that your therapist is sending you to have the neuro tests and see the developmental disorders specialist.

I can understand you wanting to be careful about what you tell people, even your T. And “developing a relationship” takes time – that’s just a fact that most other people, including therapists, seem to take for granted but was definitely hard for me to understand.

Seems like art therapy could be a good match for you, too, maybe? Is it easier to express yourself in art than in words? And as long as your T is sending you to folks so everybody can get a pretty good idea of what’s going on with you, then they have a better chance of knowing how to help, so it sounds pretty hopeful to me.

Just takes some time.

Yea I agree, I love drawing and it seems to help the best, sometimes i just want to say screw it she doesnt need to know and leave.... but i am trying to get better by staying