[ynwa1892]

Hi guys, not really sure why I am posting this, I guess the title says it all. I feel like I have some sort of personality disorder, but have so many contradicting traits. I guess that makes me normal, or completely insane. I suppose I will start with an introduction. Word of warning, this post will be long. I will try to limit it to the best of my ability though.

I am a 20 year old male (soon to be 21). I am a computer science student. I had a good, 'normal' upbringing. There were no significant events in my life that could have potentially moulded my personality (at least that I am aware of). The only two things I can think off, both fairly minor, is moving country when I was around 10, and being bullied a little in secondary school. It was nothing too serious though.

During my early teenage years I rarely socialised, opting instead to play games for hours upon hours (something I personally think may be the source of many of my personality traits). From around 17 onwards I started to socialise a lot more. When I say socialise, I mean go out at the weekends and drink with friends. I didn't do any other activities with friends, and still don't to this day. I just don't see the point. I don't even enjoy going out drinking - infact I regret it, but I do it every week, at least once.

From here on in, I am just going to list traits, and describe a little how they apply to me, otherwise I know I would have the biggest wall of text by the time Im done just going in circles.

Prone to depression:

I Always get depressed for a few days after drinking. This is normal. Sometimes though, I make myself get depressed through feelings of failure and that life is insignificant. I feel like I am a robot, just on auto-pilot. I know my life is destined to be irrelevant. I rarely succeed in anything I do. Its a strange depression, as I am not sure I care to change it. I am not overly bothered about getting better. I am not suicidal in anyway shape or form, the concept just doesn't make sense to me, but I don't think I would feel as bad if I was told I was going to die, as perhaps others would.

Social anxiety:

I don't suffer severe anxiety, but I am certainly not very good socially. I do my best to avoid social interaction with those I am not comfortable with. With drink I am a little more social. I am very introverted and tend to keep myself to myself. I am bad with crowds and talking to people I don't know. I wouldn't say it hinders my life, as I don't really care to be social. As I already mentioned, I am introverted and enjoy my own company and always choose to do things on my own when the option is there.

Its really strange though, I feel as if I have created a false identity for myself. People that don't truly know me (nobody truly knows me, not even my closest friends. I tell them lots, and they know lots about me, but they nowhere near understand who I am) see me as fairly popular guy, charismatic, get on with everyone, get lots of girls and all the things associated with being a great socialite. I feel as if I have to keep this identity going, even though its not what I want. That is probably down to being bullied in the past, and holding on to the image I forged for myself.

Uncomfortable with intimacy:
I really am not good with this sort of thing. I am attracted to girls, I masturbate & watch porn (perhaps even a little too much), I am very vain and look after myself, but I have no desire to get with girls on an intimate level. I am extremely uncomfortable with even being touched. I am even uncomfortable with family hugging me and such. When I was younger and my mum tried to kiss or hug me (even still with hugs from family), I often try turn away or don't hug back etc.

With girls its strange, as I am attracted to them, and love the idea that they want me, but I just don't want to do anything with them. I have kissed many girls, mainly due to being pushed in to it by friends, or doing it so I feel I can avoid being criticised for being weird and not getting with girls, though I don't enjoy it at all - and I never initiate it either. I just do it to fit in, once or twice a year.

I have never done more than kiss a girl, and have no desire to. I often think to myself, it would be good to have sex once, as I would be immune to criticism and scrutiny after that, and could live celibate from there on in. But it just seems alien to me. I have had many opportunities (two nights ago being one). I was in bed with a girl. I was really drunk and she was kissing me and touching me, I just felt really uncomfortable. I knew she was trying to go further, but I was just unresponsive. I waited till she got bored and went down to the couch, blaming the heat of the room.

For what its worth, I have never been subject to any sexual abuse whatsoever to my memory.

Lack of empathy & emotion:

I wouldn't say I am completely emotionally dead, but I certainly show a lack of empathy with others. Its not that I don't care, its just that unless it affects me, I don't fully understand the importance or significance of a situation. Someone could tell me about a negative experience they are in, and it would have left my mind by the time they have stopped talking. I don't mean to be like that, I really don't.

I can be helpful to people, more so people that I am unfamiliar with though. I guess its just part of the image I try to uphold. I don't feel obliged to help close friends or family though, in fact, its a chore for me. I do very little of what my family ask of me, and I am not sure I truly feel bad about it.

Pessimistic:

I am very pessimistic. I always think the worse. Again, its something that my close friends and family know all too well, and often tell me it. I try not set my hopes high, possibly for fear of failure or rejection. I'm in two minds about my reaction to failure and rejection, I used to think it didn't bother me, but I think now perhaps it does, and I just try to pretend that it doesn't. I actually hide it fairly well.

Prone to fits of rage:

This is a strange one, I never get angry in public. People would describe me as a calm person. Almost suspiciously calm. When I am on my own though, I can just see red for the smallest of things. I mean really small things. I often punch/throw things etc. I have been punched many times before, and never reacted to things like that, but if an inanimate object hurts or disappoints me or whatever, I often lose it. An example would be stubbing my toe on the door, I swear at the door and punch it etc. Stupid I know. The worse one when I just went completely mental, was so stupid. I was cooking eggs and the yok burst or something so I just punched them until they were mutilated all over the floors and walls. Its worrying that I have that in me to be honest, and I am glad I can contain it in social situations. To date.

If there is anything else I have forgot, I will add it later if possible. If you read this post, thanks for taking the time. Im sure the last thing you want to read is my pathetic story. I have nothing to complain about in my life really. I have it so easy compared to most. I am not sure what I expect to get out of this, as I am not sure I want to change. I guess I just feel its exhausting at times. I just want to live the life I want, but often feel it impossible.

I used to always think I had schizoid or avoidant pd, but the more I thought about it, I realise there is probably a bit of NPD in there too. Obviously you guys wont diagnose me, but any opinions on what I may have (if anything), would be greatly appreciated.

Once again, thanks for taking the time.

[here today]

Welcome, ynwa.

Originally Posted by ynwa1892

. . . I just want to live the life I want, but often feel it impossible.

Can you be more specific about what the life is that you want, and what seems to be making that impossible?

I’ve been in and out of therapy for 50 years and, ultimately, living your life is the important thing. Perhaps you could relieve some of your concerns if you consulted a psychologist – or perhaps you would be led deeper into a morass that would not be helpful and is not necessary, at least not right now. Maybe you want to go on the self-exploration journey anyway? And maybe if you put it off, a need for it could become unavoidable later. But I don't know of any way that anybody could tell that for sure right now.

You are still young and I am old (66!). The most I can say is, life is complicated!! Could it help to focus on the life that you want and work only on what’s keeping you from that? What you want from life could change, too, but that is part of what makes life complicated.

I think the PD diagnoses can be helpful (mine has been to me) but ultimately they are not who we are and the categories and understanding about what causes PD's and what helps make them better changes too.

I hope this helps some. Best wishes!

[ynwa1892]

Originally Posted by here today

Welcome, ynwa.


Can you be more specific about what the life is that you want, and what seems to be making that impossible?

I’ve been in and out of therapy for 50 years and, ultimately, living your life is the important thing. Perhaps you could relieve some of your concerns if you consulted a psychologist – or perhaps you would be led deeper into a morass that would not be helpful and is not necessary, at least not right now. Maybe you want to go on the self-exploration journey anyway? And maybe if you put it off, a need for it could become unavoidable later. But I don't know of any way that anybody could tell that for sure right now.

You are still young and I am old (66!). The most I can say is, life is complicated!! Could it help to focus on the life that you want and work only on what’s keeping you from that? What you want from life could change, too, but that is part of what makes life complicated.

I think the PD diagnoses can be helpful (mine has been to me) but ultimately they are not who we are and the categories and understanding about what causes PD's and what helps make them better changes too.

I hope this helps some. Best wishes!

I've been interested in seeing a psychologist for a while now, but I often just think to myself - "Get on with it, there is nothing wrong with you!". Sometimes I question whether or not I actually want to make myself have a PD, which is strange in itself. In saying that though, reading over what I have wrote, that is definitely not 'normal' behaviour.

In regards to your question on what I want in life (which is a very good question), I don't know myself. Something other than this mundane life, that is full of pressures and devoid of rewards. I guess I want to either have a life of solitude, free of pressure, not having to deal with people and the demands of the world we live in. That, or at least live an 'exciting' life that at least rewards the exhausting work put in. That's a problem though, as I don't really get enjoyment from many things. I just don't see either of these lives as attainable. They just don't seem possible.

I feel I am destined to a life of mediocrity & irrelevance. Groundhog day.

Thanks for your reply.