[Thaerys]

My personality has shifted completely in the past year or two. Before this I was a very sensitive, kind-hearted, empathic etc. person. I wanted everyone and everything to be happy. This persisted through my entire childhood and into puberty. In my teenage years I was about as mopey and gloomy as you'd expect.

My youth was somewhat bothered with my parents' alcoholism, my fathers' unemployment, my mother having to overwork herself as a result etc. While I wasn't abused directly by them, on the contrary, they are very loving and supporting of me, I am left with a very divided opinion of them. I love them dearly for all their support for me and my life, I despise their alcohol abuse and I hate them for all their broken promises and disappointments as a result. The worst event caused by their, or my father's to be specific, alcoholism was an occasion while I was in elementary school, I came home to find him having cut his hand while utterly hammered. I don't believe it was self-destructive, rather an accident. Nonetheless he was close to bleeding out when I arrived. I bandaged his hand and called my mother home from work and we ended up sending him to the hospital.

Now then, as a young adult everything about me has changed. I hate all people. I particularly despise people who are socially awkward and people I otherwise deem "weak". Here it is worth noting that I was a fairly socially awkward youngster that felt particularly anxious in crowds and while speaking to an audience. Now I feel superior to everyone and I am perfectly self-centered and happy about it. I used to place value on altruistic things like helping your fellow man and trying to improve the lot of other people, these days I value little more besides money and power. I suffered from almost cripplingly low self-esteem as a child that my parents particularly tried to encourage me out of. Recently it did improve. I felt good about myself. I could speak comfortably in front of a classroom in school. I could take pride in my achievements. Now I feel I'm better than everyone else. Other people are inferior and worth only manipulation and exploitation for my benefit. I admire sociopaths in fiction.

Watching a simple news report when I was younger, I felt bad for all the people suffering around the world. Some time ago, it no longer made me feel anything. Now it pleases me. Serves them right.

Seeing my mother cry makes me feel nothing.

Still, in the end I feel depressed, hopeless. Besides my perfect self-confidence and superiority I feel like this entire existence is just a waste. Not "I'm going to commit suicide"-waste mind you. Just the type that makes me feel empty inside.

Last spring I visited the school psychologist. It wasn't anything specific, I'd just told the school's doctor I was feeling sort of gloomy during my checkup and she sent me there. I did talk about my past life events, my current state of mind and my views of my future. However I discussed nothing I've described here. I didn't think I should mention them, he'd just think I was a freak or that it would just lead to me having to deal with things I couldn't be bothered with.

I'm probably going to visit him again this fall and see how it goes. This is the first time I've actually written or said any of this anywhere(all attempts have resulted in hostility and insults) and I suppose I want to hear what people think.

[XxxkittykatxxX]

Good luck. I'd tell him as much as you feel comfortable with, and if you feel the need to reveal more, do so as it comes to you. It can be hard to open up, but it should be worth it...

[kaliope]

I think it is a good idea to go back to the counselor and mention everything you talk about here. does it bother you that you are this way? there must be something about it that bothers you that you would post about it. I do not think that the counselor would think you are a freak so do not worry about that. you come across as very sincere and concerned for yourself and that would come across to the counselor who would be very empathetic toward you. take care.

[Thaerys]

Thanks for the replies even after this long a time.

So I've been talking roughly weekly with the school psychologist. It's been alright as such but my negative emotions just kept piling up until I was at a state where I felt burning hatred towards nearly everything and everyone with aggressive and violent fantasies and a fiercely negative outlook on everything. Eventually my mother confronted me about my negativity and I ended up bursting into tears(which I haven't done in a very long time). Apparently I cried it all out because I felt better the next day. My hateful views haven't gone anywhere but I'm not emotionally impaired by hatred nor cripplingly depressed. Maybe it'll get better now that I can function somewhat properly again. I'm not sure if this is the appropriate section for my yammering at this point since even I'm not sure what's up with me. I suppose it'll do for now.