Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance is one of, and I think, the most important thing they teach you about, and want you to master in DBT.

The premise is to be able to radically accept everything as it is.

So obviously, one must radically accept that one is mentally ill, will likely remain so for the duration of one's lifetime, because the chances of one changing their entire brain structure and mindset to a point of recovery is near impossible, unless of course, one is of the caliber of John Nash, portrayed in the movie "A Beautiful Mind," and still, he never did recover - he only was able to manage.

How many actually fit into THAT category?

So basically, I have to accept that I am and always will be screwed up. I will never attain a "normal life" so why the hell do I keep trying?

Why do I keep trying to believe that everything is okay, when it clearly is not.

Truth be told, I hate and hurt and am sick of this world and everything in it just as much as I did when I was a kid. The only difference now is I have better DRUGS. But the unfortunate thing is, these drugs eventually stop working or break me down physically; the control is no longer there to practice the "techniques" so diligently taught to me and I end up back to the place I started out - as damaged goods.

This is what I really have to accept, isn't it?

FTWAEII

> The premise is to be able to radically accept everything as it is.

You forgot something:

IN THE PRESENT MOMENT

> I have to accept that I am and always will be screwed up. I will never attain a "normal life" so why the hell do I keep trying?... Why do I keep trying to believe that everything is okay, when it clearly is not.

Things can be okay in some respects and not okay in others. If we focus on the not okay stuff we tend to feel not okay. If we focus on the okay stuff we can feel a bit better.

I'm sorry things are hard for you right now.

This too shall pass...

Of course acceptance is only one strategy and there are change focused strategies as well.

I know how you feel. I can't get past the "You're doing the best you can AND you can do better." I just don't understand how the two can be true at the same time. DBT- I just don't know.
HUGS!

Right now in the present moment... You are doing the best you can.

In the future (including the very recent future ie the very next moment) new ways of coping will occur to you either because they pop into your head or because someone suggests them to you or whatever...

I think the notion is that right now you are doing the best you can.

But you know what?

You will learn how to cope even better in the future. And you will get a lot better at using those positive coping strategies in the future.

So while it is true that (in some sense) things are OKAY in the present moment (in the sense that we are alive and we can focus our attention on something nice like the sky or our breathing) it is also true that things can get a WHOLE HEAP BETTER THAN THEY ARE NOW (in the sense that there is hope for a more connected and interrelated life with more moments of happiness)

I think faith and the believe on a spiritual life plays an important role for me here.
With that said (((AS))) let me explain what I think, I think, someday, I don't know whem, I'll be a peaceful being, maybe after I dies, I'm not getting this from any religion, and maybe is my way to escape the present, but sure enough bring peace and hope to my mind.
Hang in there Hon~

Have any of you ever read "Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder" by Richard Moskovitz, M.D.
This is truly a wonderful "explanation" of why we feel the way that we do. Included in it are excerpts from a patient of his, in her own words. Well worth reading.

That is a good book hope71! Maybe I need to re-reread it! We work on this stuff in therapy, too.

I feel like faith_tx, I want to be normal to societal standards. I have done some things that now I know were not right, so I'm scared that will happen again and I won't have the perception of what's right or not.

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alexandra_k said:
In the future (including the very recent future ie the very next moment) new ways of coping will occur to you either because they pop into your head or because someone suggests them to you or whatever...

You will learn how to cope even better in the future. And you will get a lot better at using those positive coping strategies in the future.

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I understand what you are saying, but I am so sick and tired of "just coping."

My entire life is consumed with "coping," and I am not very good at it. When I started to look at things that "trigger" me, I found most everything does. It crushes my heart to a point where I just want to die.

The worst part about it is the person whom I cherish the most - my mother - is the biggest trigger of all. I cannot even go into her house without having a meltdown, even when highly sedated.

My mind can reason as to how I came to be the way I am, and I can deal with that. My spirit sustains my existence. It is my heart(body) that will not allow me peace.

I can't do this anymore. No, that's not it. I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.

With every passing year, it seems more and more pointless to carry on. It makes it even more difficult when I cannot find a purpose - like children, a husband, job, home of my own, friends, family - to carry on. Even looking within myself, it is nothing but a mushy goo, like the lime-green sputum that gets stuck in your lungs when you have an infection. (great visual for ya...)

I realize I am sounding like a spoiled and selfish child and I suppose that is how I really feel about myself.

I am tired. I am just so tired.

(((((((((AlteredState01))))))

Don't mind me. Just whining today...

I'll check that book out. Thanks hope71 for the tip.

AS

((((AS)))) Whine all you want hon, go ahead, feel free.

Hey. I don't think you are sounding like a spoiled and selfish child, what I hear is that it sounds like you are having a really rough time of it and you are feeling worried / hopeless that your life will ever get to be more than just a series of coping strategies.

Are you in DBT? How long have you been doing it?

My life was a string of coping strategies for a while there... I'd go through periods where I just wanted to die. To curl up and pop out of existence. Didn't even have faith in my ability to end it. Sometime while I was doing DBT I remember feeling... Happy to be alive. Able to enjoy a moment. First time I could remember feeling that way...

It does get better. More of those moments more often, they last for longer and they are closer together. I hardly ever have those really nasty horrible panicky times of it any more. Less triggered by things.

Hang in there...

Why, thank you biplol, don't mind if I do....(to be read with a deep Southern drawl!)

Of course, you wouldn't be sayin' that if you could hear the tone of voice in my head - you know, the prolonged nasally shrill that always accompanies these thoughts...

I think I could probably handle the thoughts alot better if I could only turn off that oh-so-irritating, make-you-want-to-smack-someone tone. And it's so freakin' loud, too!


Then, of course, the "shut-up-you-ninny" voice chimes in and the begins...

And you just know one of them is gonna eventually end up .

I prefer to go by the adage, "Defeat isn't bitter if you don't swallow it." I think there's a difference between "acceptance" of a condition and making it one's entire world view/perception/life's work. Maybe I always wanted to be blonde and blue-eyed and marry someone talk, dark, and handsome but I'm not going to "give up" because I don't have that?

99% of you and your world does not have Borderline Personality Disorder, AlteredState. And the 1% part that does is only your perception, not "reality." It's like the lesson, "try not to think of pink elephants" -- you have to then think of them, even though there are no such things! With BPD, it's more, "try not to think of BPD," which does exist but need not be any more important than pink elephants, it just happens to be in your viewfinder. Turn your head so your viewfinder focuses on something else!

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so sick and tired of "just coping."

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I so understand! It may take a long time, but you will begin to move out of this state, if you continue working on it. You seem to be working very hard on it, from my POV.

In the MS groups we say, I have MS, MS doesn't have me. It's a positive reframing of the situation. Yes there is a LOT of coping, but now, if you can change your perspective on this, you will gain some fresh air.

We all COPE with life. Before you first felt bad or knew something was "wrong" you were coping... it's life, daily life for everyone. When we KNOW we have something specific, then our coping becomes more focused. Others in life who don't have anything (or aren't aware of their disabilities) go through coping, but with no direction. We have a direction, we have a good path to follow.

Ok, so our coping feels like it's tougher than "normal" ppl's coping requirements. Yeah, often it is. BUT once we get into a routine, we have it made! We are so far ahead of others about HOW to cope and WHEN to cope with what... we leave them in the dust, don't you think?

I hope this makes some sense... I hope it helps you some. TC

LMAO AS, you are so funny even when I know you didn't mean to.
Oh hon, if you could hear my accent, after 10 second I'd have you smacking me!!!
LOL ~hugs~

You make perfect sense, and it helps tremendously.

You are right - we all cope, everyday. And I agree that our being aware of our illness and taking steps to cope does indeed put us farther ahead. It's funny that you should say this, Sky, because I often use this perspective when I talk with others I know IRL, who are suffering with mental illness(es). For fun, I also add that once the rest of the world "cracks," they will all be turning to us for help!

I really ought to keep a "Fact" sheet handy for those times when I am in the throws of a mood swing and forget simple truths such as this.

Are you a Southern Belle? Oh, I just love that accent! I used to work with a colleague from Atlanta who had a very strong accent. And the slow, smooth sounds were just so charming. The slow part was cool too, because I could write out in long hand, our whole conversation for my files.

I find it very soothing too. Not harsh sounding at all. Comforting, actually.

I'm wayyyyyyyy down southern, born and raised in Argentina!!, but I've been here for a while, lol

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So obviously, one must radically accept that one is mentally ill, will likely remain so for the duration of one's lifetime......

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I personally know people who have recovered from BPD. They no longer meet the requirements for the diagnosis. It IS possible - although it ain't easy. DBT is your best bet.

When I talk to these people, they told me 2 things which helped them the most - and one was radical acceptance! Not of their illness...but of the poo which happens in everyone's life. Poo happens. Sometimes we all have to step back and say..."oh fudge, that stinks," and try our best to move on.

The other, is that they now believe, after much effort, that their actions are the result of a choice. Once you firmly beleive that - you work towards stopping troubling behaviors. Eventually you will notice that sometimes you CAN stop them. If you are able to do it once....you can do it twice, and then even more. You work your way out of the diagnosis from there.

Easier said than done, I know. It takes time. Just have hope, OK? I do.

Emily