Emotional Intelligence - by Daniel Goleman

Wants2Fly - You might also like his book Social Intelligence which talks about how we interact with each other.

maybe it is about getting in touch with your feelings so you are more attuned to the feelings of others.

it isn't a rational activity (where you can follow a little algorithm to the letter and succeed) so much as it is an awareness of others emotional expressions and body postures and the like.

for example...

eye contact can be experienced as nicely intimate or over intimate. it can be experienced as welcomed contact or as invasive contact depending on where the person is at / how they are feeling. one can learn to read such cues... and also the feedback from how they respond.

i would say that a therapist could help you with this.

role plays would be one way of learning.

there could be immense benefit to group therapy.

On this topic - I found an emotional IQ test at Psychology Today.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/pto/s...sts.php?cat=IQ

The test seems to deal mostly with your awareness of your own emotional states and their causes. I'm afraid I scored low. (86) But that's why I'm in therapy - I don't always know where my emotions come from or even recognize which emotion I'm having. It's weird though that I can tune into others, just not myself. Maybe my social intelligence is high and my emotional intelligence is low? hehe

I got an 88 on it. I knew I'd do bad. I cry too much. I haven't read his book yet. I keep thinking about it. But, I hesitate because I sometimes think it will make me feel stupid or depressed.

Thanks for the link. Interesting quiz. I've had years, if not cumulative decades of therapy, and my therapist thinks I have incredible patience and that I am too hard on myself.

I got a 90. That's an "A", right?

Just kidding. According to the ratings, I'm in the average range, but I feel like I'm well below average when it comes to relationships.

There were a couple of questions that are central to my issues
9. It is better to remain cold and neutral until you really get to know a person.
I answered "strongly agree" to this one. I have a problem with trust. When you don't trust people, they can sense it and are likely to be cold in return. Relationships run into a dead end before then can even get started.

17. I am unhappy for reasons that I can't understand.
The problem is I do understand but I don't know how to fix it. I don't seem to be able to form close relationships. I'm thinking about trying to find a therapist to help me with my emotional synchrony.

Benjamin, finding the right therapist sounds like a wonderful idea. You are smart and sensitive and self-reflective, and it could be so helpful for you to have someone smart and compassionate to coach you. Good luck with that.

I'm average, too, but I think I may be better than the score shows. I don't like to answer strong yes or strong no to questions. I figure really strong emotions should be reserved for special occasions. LOL

Thanks for the support, W2F. I've been to a few therapists and never really opened up to any of them. It's a matter of trust, or lack thereof. But I've never actually seen a therapist to work on my trust or synchrony issues so maybe for that reason, it will be different this time.

An odd thing happened to me regarding this EI thing. I teach communication -- 5 sections a semester. And there is a little tiny box on one of the pages in the chapter about relationships that summarizes Goleman's ideas about EI.

In an essay I graded today, in which students have to use any 10 highlighted vocabulary terms in the textbook, for the first time in the years the department's been using this textbook, a student chose Emotional Intelligence.

I'd never attached any particular significance to the concept. When lift thrusts something in my face with synchronicity, I tend to believe the Universe is trying to tell me something -- in this case, to educate myself about EI.

Strange, though.

The more I read about EI, the more it seems like it's concerned with how your personality affects your life. That doesn't lessen it's importance, but emotional intelligence is quite different from the traditional notion of intelligence related to logic, problem solving, and understanding complex issues.

My personality definitely can rub people the wrong way, and I have spent my lifetime wishing so much that I had the secret to not doing that and just fitting in in the right kind of way.

At other times, I see people as great herds of sheep, and I don't mind not fitting in and I am glad that I don't.

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Wants2Fly said:
My personality definitely can rub people the wrong way, and I have spent my lifetime wishing so much that I had the secret to not doing that and just fitting in in the right kind of way.

At other times, I see people as great herds of sheep, and I don't mind not fitting in and I am glad that I don't.

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How does your personality rub people the wrong way? You seem pretty nice online.

I don't care that I don't fit in most of the time, but it would be nice to have a few people that I connected with.

I am not a warm, fuzzy, nurturing female. I became a reporter at an early age (16), the days when it was a profession with guys running around in fedoras with a handwritten card that said "press" tucked in the headband.

They valued a quick wit, fast thinking, ability to think on one's feet, meeting deadlines, being well read in every subject, and tough talk. I have become much more patient and empathic, but I can still seem cold, distant, uncaring, and a bit too self-sufficient. This is pretty typical of the introvert personality type using the Jungian Myers-Briggs categories.

I am very smart. I express myself articulately, and this intimidates some people. I can be overly controlling, even though I do my best to control this (lol).

This impression is exacerbated by dealing with young people who are insecure in their own identity formation, want to please me, and may not always get the signals of approval they need, despite my best efforts.

Having lived alone most of my adult life, I also can be unthinkingly selfish and, from being raised in a strict old-fashioned household, may appear outwardly inflexible, even though I am essentially provisional in my thinking. I have no trouble saying "No" when my immediate response is that I don't want to put myself out, Later I may see that it wouldn't have cost me much to help out and I might have felt better about myself.

The appearance of selfishness also bumps up against societal images of the selfless, giving female -- norms that are still very active, even though Western society is struggling to create more androgynous norms.

I am sure that I have a blind self (we all do!) that doesn't even see some of the things that irritate people -- especially if they are too intimidated to tell me for any or all of the above reasons.

So sorry to go on and on, but I suppose this kind of self-centered windiness can be pretty irritating, too!

Interesting W2F. You seem to know yourself pretty well. I think I've become a little more self-centered as I've gotten older, or maybe it's a matter of finally feeling that my needs are as important as anyone else's. I think I've also become more nurturing as my self-esteem has grown, but that can also be a selfish trait; it makes me feel good to help people.

IMHO, Benjamin, if you are helping people because it makes youfeel good, it is not selfish. If you are helping because you want approval, because your organization, church, or family expects volunteerism, then it's selfish.

I wonder if anyone else had feedback about that.

I agree with you Wants2Fly - motivation has a lot to do with whether something is selfish or not. I also think that we progress towards selflessness. First we must think about ourselves, then our circle of concern expands. I think doing service because it makes you feel good does not indicate selfishness. Who doesn't want to feel good? And any service offered willingly makes you feel good. Can't help that.

I have to go look something up - because I read something about how our motives progress. Not sure if I can find it again though. Something like we progress from doing something out of duty, then for a reward, then out of love. None of them are wrong (unless you're doing it grudgingly) and all of them have rewards - it's my understanding the reward is greater the further along in the progression you are. In fact, even if you give service grudgingly, there is a chance that you can be transformed in the process and still feel good.

Well, that was a lot of rambling. But good question.

Well, considering I have no organization, church, or family, it must not be selfish. I think it's probably more a matter of integrity -- just something that I expect of myself.

Hmmm.... I scored 110. I was hoping to do better. Well... it said I'm not using all of my potential. Maybe I need to read that book, eh?

i think EQ is an essential skill and important to happiness. i wish i was better at it. i think of people i know who couldn't match me in traditional IQ but they are happy content and have never had to take antidepressants or antipsychotics. i know it's because they're emotionally intelligent. wish i was too but it's a major struggle for me

i don't even like people!

i scored 91 which is much better than i did on another site that put me at about 20% of the population