[theartist]

I am 20, and I am exhausted. Please endure my rant. :/

I am the only child of a man who has BPD and bipolar. I have lived in the turmoil almost all my life, helped my mother and played diplomat in ways that children should not have to. I grew up way too fast, but I've tried to make the best of it and work hard and be kind in everything I do.

At 19, I moved out of my parents home, as well as out of the United States, to Australia, to pursue some of my dream(s). I finally had peace and happiness, and I have adapted and grown so much. I built a life that was so good for eight months. For the first time in my life, I was sleeping normally. I wasn't on edge all the time. I wasn't afraid. It was great.

My parents came to visit me here in December, and things were crazy as usual, but I took comfort in knowing it was just for a month. When they returned to the States in January, my mother left my father for good. She still won't tell me the full story of what happened, but she says "it was something physical this time." I am left to wonder, because this wouldn't actually be the first time, but it must be really bad for her not to tell me; it's sad and scary. She is living with my grandparents for now as she tries to decide how to get her life together again (she is having to go back to school...).

Then, two weeks ago, at 10pm, I receive a phone call when my flatmate and I were about to have dinner (we have long university hours on that particularly day). It's my father. He has--surprise!--taken a spur of the moment flight from the States to Australia. I almost immediately begin to panic. Everything seems to crash down. I feel sorry for my flatmate, as we've only known each other for a month and a half, becoming friends through a fellow friend. We're very close, but it's not exactly something I want to throw people into, this crazy family issue of mine. I've had to look to him for a lot of support.

My father's here for three/three and a half weeks, and I've tried to avoid him as much as possible, but it's really hard. He's helping me with many of my accounts that help pay for my school tuition, and so I feel obligated to walk on eggshells, for fear he try to do anything to me (and therefore harm my ability to continue down the path that I am enjoying). I have met up with him twice, and I feel it's obvious that he isn't taking his medication. I feel unsafe around him (especially being a young woman; he has a porn/sex addiction, and I don't think he realizes his age anymore...so I kind of worry...) and have only met him when with friends, but it's getting harder. He's beginning to notice that I'm only meeting him when with friends, and he's posing the question of why that is. I don't know what to say without starting some war.

On top of this, I'm trying to keep my university grades up, and get a casual/part-time job, but trying to keep busy, so I can avoid him (he doesn't seem to accept when I say "I have a lot of work for school"). He harasses me by calling multiple times a day, sometimes even during my classes. I come out from a class and see that, while my phone's been on silent, he's called five or six times. And he tries to make me feel guilty for not having time for him.

I'm not getting any sleep to speak of. I'm stressed and jumpy. I'm having extreme difficulty focusing on any of my assignments. It's like a 180-degree change from what I felt just a month ago.

I'm trying to keep in mind that I just have another week and a half of this, but it's so hard, and he keeps planning ahead about his "next trip here." I don't want him here. I want him away from me. I would even say this to him, as I am assertive enough, if I didn't feel dependent on certain levels, especially financially (thus my looking for a job to try to amend that...).

So yes...I don't know why I came on here other than to leave a huge rant to a community that would probably understand and sympathize. Far too often people don't get it. It's as I told a friend recently: "To everyone else he just seems harmless and a bit hyper, but, in truth, he's anything but harmless; he just SEEMS harmless, and that's what makes him so dangerous."

I'm tired.

so sorry you feellike this just when your life was begining to be good for you. you will find lots of support in here. pls come into chat sometime or just post, you will have support which ever way you go in here

jinny xoxoxox

[Wants2Fly]

It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. I felt so proud of you when you said you are looking for a job so you won't have to be so dependent on him.

It does indeed sound like a stressful and therefore tiring situation. I think you are doing the right thing to meet him with others in tow. I'm glad you have friends to support you through this.

I hope you can get through the next 10 days or so and get your balance and harmony back after that.

Take care.

[anniego]

Dear Tired,
I understand. I came to this site to help digest the life and death of my BPD and probably bipolar sister. Life in our family revolved around Susan's moods which I know you
understand all too well. I live away from the family which helped but still had to deal with her abusive tirades against anyone who told her what she didn't want to hear which was the truth. She was an extreme case and meaner than a junkyard dog most of the time. The sweet little sister I knew came out very seldom. Your decision to move was a good one. However, now you will be forced to do one of two things. You'll either have to continue living on pins and needles everytime your Dad visits which I suspect will be
more and more often, or you're going to have to risk losing his support and basically lose the relationship by setting boundaries he won't accept. it seems (i could be wrong of course) that he's also an extreme personality who will push you to the edge of sanity if you let him. I think eventually you'll find you might have to break from the relationship...I hope not but my experience tells me he won't accept healthy boundaries or counseling to understand why you need to set them. Being faced with both the loss of financial support and relationship with your father is tough but for your own peace of mind, you may need to take that step. Just a final thought about your Mother. I think it would be easier for you if you knew exactly what your Father did to make your Mother leave. Wondering about it only makes it worse....you can deal with the reality, you've been doing it for years.
Take good care of yourself and listen to that voice inside you that tells you not to be alone with him, no matter how
he guilts you. You are one, smart young woman who deserves a wonderful life!
Annie

[Soidhonia]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central. I am at the library today and on limited time, therefore I will leave you alonger message Monday when I have more time. Take care Soidhonia

[AlteredState01]

Then leave. Protect yourself. You deserve a life. He will not die if you do.

You just think he will...

AS