Munchausen Syndrome

Let me start by introducing myself since this is the first post I have made here. I will give you a brief background of myself, but provide the details of my most recent relationship, since that is the reason I am here seeking advice. I apologize if this is long, however to get the insight needed, I believe it is necessary to provide a lot of information. I am really looking for some help in deciding what my next step should be regarding my ex. That being said...

I am 28 years old. My mother died from cancer when I was 14, after being diagnosed when I was 10. She had beaten it twice after spreading to two different areas, but in the end it returned, even after a brutal bone marrow transplant, and by the time she died she had deteriorated into a completely different person. Understandable, but I was young, so it was a reality of life I had to deal with at an early age and have effect me my whole life.

I was very close with my mother, looking back, she was an extremely overprotective and controlling woman, however one who was very loving and affectionate. She lived for her children. While sick, her relationship with my father deteriorated along with her health. I can remember viscious fights between the two; he would leave us at the grocery store on numerous occasions to walk home, trying to get me to come with him all the while, however I could not leave my mother alone of course. Some nights, he would not come home at all and my mother would wait by the window, sad and depressed. She had expressed to me how awful of a man my father was and how she did not want me to grow up to be a man like him. Near the end, she also would tell me how much of a disappointment I was growing up to become. Immediately following her death, I was left alone on weekends while my father would go out with a "friend". He was an extremely secretive man. I did not even find out he had been married previously until I was 25. Needless to say, I was very angry with my father and resisted his parenting throughout teenage and early adult life. We never talked about his affair, but I think he always knew I knew about it. My only sister had and still does have no clue.

I met my girlfriend while living in New York. I had just overcome a severe depression months earlier where I was burnt out and wanted to return home and live with my father. I lost most functioning capabilities, however with my father's help, persistence and that of an analyst and medicine, I stuck it out, did not lose my job, and came out of it feeling better than I have felt since I was a child.

Sparks flew immediately with my girlfriend. She was from another state, visiting for a conference from work, and before we knew it, we were involved in a very intense long distance relationship. She is 4 years older than I, divorced, and has duel custody of a 5 year old daughter.

Things progressed quickly, 4 months after we met, my father died and she was there for me like no one I have ever seen. She took 2 weeks off of work to be with me, and the two of us fell deeper in love because of the event. Months later, my job had ended, not fired but due to lack of work. I work in a freelance field where I am constantly switching jobs. She could not move to NY because of her daughter, so I decided I would move to the closest metropolitan city to her (the only place I could find work in my field) and she would follow me there after a battle for primary custody of her daughter.

2 days after the move, we found out she was pregnant. The excitement I had anticipated with starting our new life together vanished. With the stress of a new city, being unemployed at the time, and still awaiting a custody battle with an extremely bitter and hateful ex I might add, we decided an abortion would be the most logical decision. Turns out that she did not want that, she later said she felt pressured by me. She pushed me away over the next month. I had to stay strong and be there for her, but with every attempt to be close to her and help her deal, she pushed me further and further away until she finally told me she had to end it because she didn't think I was serious in my wishes to be with her and one day marry her. She came back to me a week later trying to apologize and get back together, but by that time I was so drained and questioning our relationship, I told her I need time to get myself together. I could feel myself slipping back into a depression, and knew I could not fall to the place I was the year before. I needed to separate myself from this situation. Plus, I am young and being saddled down with a wife and child at my age was something I was still adjusting to. Everything on my plate just really jolted me and I knew I needed to clear my head.

During this time, she really showed some severely odd behavior. She came from a completely different background as I, her biological father was an abusive drunk, her mother was married 5 times during her childhood, two stepfathers were abusive, one physically and one sexually, she was left on her own at age 17, she developed a cocaine habit shortly after. Despite all of that, plus the later marriage, child birth, infidelity and divorce, the woman I met was incredibly strong, courageous, smart, sweet, level-headed, ambitious and had overcome such adversity and we found that we were really in the same stages in our life, despite the different ways of getting there. She is also a wonderful mother, which I never knew before how beautiful of a trait that is for a woman to have.

Like I said, she really displayed some disturbing behavior during our breakup. Spying on me, saying cruel things to get a rise out of me, trying to make me jealous etc. I stayed strong, I realized she had just had an abortion and was suffering from PTSD, so I made sure I was not ignoring her attempts, and stayed as supportive and loving of her as possible. She then told me last month that she was to have surgery on May 25th. She had a kidney stone the year prior, and she said more had developed and the doctors were nervous and decided to remove them. I panicked. With what my father did to my mother, I have vowed I would never do something like that to someone I loved. I offered to take care of her, to take time off from work to be in her home and help her. She resisted. She told me she couldn't handle that, that she loved me so much, and being near me would make her feel more pain. I accepted it. She then decided last week that she needed to break off contact with me completely if she is to recover. That us being in contact at all is only making it worse for her. Once again, I was sympathetic even though I hurt so badly at the thought of her suffering and dying. I wrote her an email this week telling her how much I love her and if she needs anything to please call me. She responded with "I don't need you anymore. leave me alone".

I was worried sick on the 25th. She even texted me that morning saying "Thanks, I am sitting all tubed up preparing to go in. I'll call you later" then sent another "that wasn't meant for you, sorry. That was meant for someone who cares about me" Not to mention, today, the 26th is the 1st annivesary of my father's death. I called her work just to see if I could get some kind of clue how she was doing from their voices. She is a nurse at a clinic. The receptionist told me that she won't be back until Tuesday because she is at a conference...in my city of all places. I lost it, I was furious. I then found the conference online, called the hotel, and found she indeed has a room there.

I did some research and discovered Munchausen Syndrome. With her childhood and the abortion, I now see how she could have developed this. It's ironic because last year, she found out one of her bosses was faking Cancer just so people would show her pity. We were both so disgusted that someone could do such a thing, we constantly talked about it, and now she goes and does this to me.

I don't know what to do now. Everything in me wants to call and leave a message on her hotel phone. Not a particularly cruel one, but one that will provoke guilt in her behavior. The thing is, up until now, I had missed her so much that I was even planning on what life would be if I came back to her later this year after I am more settled in my job and we find a way to make it work. I have discovered, or thought I had, that she really is the one for me. We connect on a level that is impossible for me with other women. The more women I meet, the more I realize this, and the more I feel I am ready for married life with children. I want nothing more than to raise a family and regain the same type of environment I haven't had since I was a young boy.

What should I do? Should I call? Should I wait until after this weekend, and write a long letter? Will I make things worse for her by calling her out on this? Should I be the bigger man and just let it be? I am so hurt that she would do this to me, especially the day before my father's anniversary. Perhaps, that was her plan. To make me feel the most pain. In a way, this allows me to finally move on, however like I said, before this I was pretty sure I did not want to move on.

I am so sorry this was so long, but if anyone has made it this far, and can offer any insight into Munchausen Syndrome and how I should handle this, it is greatly appreciated. Is it dangerous? Is it common? Should I be worried she will do something to severely hurt herself? I would like to say I have never had such strong feelings of hate and love at the same time, but as I said, my relationship with my father was one of mass confusion as well.

Thanks in advance for any advice you may have...

I doubt she has Munchausen's, that's a much more serious, habitual illness (she'd be doing it to "everyone"/everytime, even at work would probably have had real multiple surgeries for not real illnesses, not able to hold down a job, etc.), sounds like she was just inventing things to hurt you or get you to leave her alone, it sounds like to me. I would give up on the relationship and her. It doesn't sound like there's anything there to "save". It is good she was there for you when your father was sick and it's good that she doesn't seem to have a "real" problem but since she has said to you, "leave me alone" I would do just that.

If she contacts you, you could tell her you called her office to find out how she was and learned she was fine and at a conference. You don't have to be "accusing" or anything, just stay with "facts" and don't get "taken" again by her.

It may not be what you want to hear, but reading this I also wondered where the Munchhausen Syndrome diagnosis came from. People with that dx actually create symptoms in themselves and go to doctors and receive treatment for diseases that they don't actually have.

http://www.emedicinehealth.com/munch...article_em.htm

Does this sound like her? If not, she may just have made up a story for what ever reason. It was not a nice thing she did to you. I'm sorry that it happened, and I wish you well. You are a good person for being concerned about her.

Hi Camacho,
I agree that it is probably not Munchausen. I do think she sounds extremely unstable and if you are looking to live a well-adjusted, happy life, you may truly want to "leave her alone."

I'm really sorry for your pain. What she put you through is really unforgivable.
Take good care,
Okie