[AlteredState01]

My b/f had to tell me yesterday that I was not welcome to attend a funeral of a relative of his because I created a scene at family gathering a while back. Booze was involved, and unfortunately, I was not made aware of all of my "actions" until last night.


I could really "feel" how horrible he felt having to tell me this. I took the news with as much grace and understanding as I could. Although I was embarrassed and couldn't help but show disappointment, I told him I accepted their decision and not to let it bother him as it was probably a little presumptuous of me to think that I could / should go in the first place; and that I had only met the deceased about 7 or 8 times before at previous family gatherings. (This man was quite prominent in the city and it will be a very large funeral with many "notable" people there).

Now that the initial shock of this news has worn off and I sit here alone, I feel totally embarrassed and humiliated! I don't know how to deal.

Obviously, there is nothing I can do, but I just don't know how to move forward with this. Like I said, I am utterly humiliated and feel like I have now been classified as trash.

I don't want my thoughts and feelings to get so twisted that it begins a downward spiral, and I don't want to go "slinking away" because I've been shunned. I have "exiled" myself from family and friends all my life as a result of my behaviours, leaving me with few, if any, deep and meaningful relationships. Even if it only happened once, I would just fade out of the picture. I have left behind, what could have been, many wonderful friendships, by doing this.

But this situation is different. This time, it is not me keeping myself away, but am being asked to stay away. And to make matters worse, this is my b/f's family! What does this mean for me if I am ever to have a future with this man?

He must be so humiliated, himself, because EVERYONE is going to ask why, or will know why, I am not there. I feel soooo bad for him. This is as much (or more of) a reflection on him as it is on me.

I wish I were invisible right now. I just want to run away and pretend I never existed!


I've tried so hard to turn things around, but it just isn't enough, is it?? There is no room for errors or slips or mistakes is there? Once one is seen in a certain way, one will always be seen in that way, especially within the family dynamic.

I'm screwed....

You aren't screwed.
Think of this on a smaller scale - it is one funeral(who wants to go to funerals anyways ) which will be over in a matter of hours.

Perhaps you could have your boyfriend tell people that you just arent feeling up to going.. maybe say you have the flu.

AS for the question you ask about staying with this man for a long long time.. well that is something you will need to assess for yourself. I think though, just opinion of course, that this will blow over eventually.

AS-- would it help you if you sent a sympathy card or maybe a plant to the house? You might feel better and the family might see that you're a caring person who made a mistake, like we all do.

Just a thought.

[AlteredState01]

Yes, that's what I intend to do regardless of this situation. An e-mail was sent when I initially heard as well.

I can get handle this. It's a matter of fully accepting responsibility for my actions even though it stings like hell and I feel like a big idiot! I'm kinda used to averse reactions from time to time, so the embarassment will pass; life will go on...

With my anxiety, going probably isn't in my best interest, anyway. And really, funerals are a highly personal and life-altering experience - one they may not have been prepared to share with me. I was not a close personal family member - only a relative's g/f.

How's my talking out of freaking out going so far?

I guess I also have to make a decision to keep focused on this tragedy rather than how stoopid and little "I" feel. After all, it is not about me. I just soooooo feel like crawling in a deep hole and hiding (Oh, see? There I go again!)

OK! REFOCUS!!!!!!!!! REFOCUS!!!!!!!!!!!

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
“If you have made mistakes, there is always another chance for you. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call 'failure' is not the falling down, but the staying down.” Mary Pickford

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> </font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
“Mistakes are painful when they happen, but years later a collection of mistakes is what is called experience.” Denis Waitley

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

[PetulantWolf]

thank you all for this post. I was a big weenie all week and told my T that I was too emabarassed to come back about ten minutes ago.

Im going to email him again and tell him I changed my mind...

Dont make it the beginning of a big thing. It will blow over. Its all about the spin you put on it. You may not have even been so bad at the funeral. Yes we should take responsibility for our actions but whoever said they didnt want you to come back may not be so wonderful either..

People can really be mean when a relative dies. I saw it with my husbands family. They were miserable so they wanted to make everyone else miserable too. They were looking for people to pick on.

Tomorrow is another day. Be big. And thank you for helping me.

.

[January]

I moved this at the request of the member.

Jan

[Camacho89]

So, it was your boyfriend's family who did not want you there or it was a decision he made to try to honor what he thought his family's wishes would be?

I have to say, if it was the latter, I would have a serious talk with your boyfriend. There comes a time when a man needs to stick up for the woman he is with, and show the world, his family, his friends, why he is with this person. If he is unable to do so, perhaps he is the one who needs to evaluate his behavior. I am not saying that whatever you did wasn't wrong, and you shouldn't feel regret. But this seems like it is an unnecessary time/manner for him to show this to you.

Don't be too hard on yourself. We all make mistakes. It's what you learn from those mistakes that make all the difference in the world. Don't let anybody make you feel less about yourself, because you are the only person who needs to love you. For everyone else, it is a privelage they need to earn.