[_Hope_]

i know that part of having bpd is anger, but normally it is very brief and intense for me. I can usually realize when my anger is not justified and i can even apologize to whomever i blew up at. But lately there is something new about my anger. I have this, at times, all consuming rage against my mother and to a lesser degree my father. I am not sure if it is because of all the horrible things they did to me growing up or because they won't talk to me since I moved out and my husband and i bought a house (4 years ago) Maybe the anger is from grief the grief of realizing i never had a childhood.

The thing about this is my thoughts are getting out of control. I haven't acted on any of this anger (probably because i don't have any interactions with my parents) But the daydreams and nightmares i have about me seeking revenge to make them realize what they did to me and make them pay dearly for it are unreal. My dreams would be rated R for extreme violence and excessive gore. I wouldn't even begin to describe them here , I wouldn't want to trigger anyone.

this type of anger is so new to me i don't understand it. I don't know how to make it go away. Normally I have a very forgiving nature, I am always giving people the benefit of the doubt that either they didn't know or didn't meant to do something wrong. My husband is always saying "you're a better person than me" because i can forgive and forget so easily. I thought i forgave my parents years ago but i must be mistaken because where does all this rage come from.

Help! How do i make it go away?
Linda

[Fuzzybear]

Are you seeing a T? They are trained to "take" anger without taking it personally.

Realising about never having had a childhood would be likely to cause extreme grief and anger (it does for me too). And your own parents not talking to you would add insult to injury (and I relate somewhat to that as well)

[_Hope_]

i am afraid to tell anyone the deep rage and anger i have within. I am afraid they will lock me up and throw away the key.
Linda

[Fuzzybear]

I'm not sure if you're seeing a doctor or therapist, but I understand the fear of professionals and how they may (and sometimes do) abuse their power.

If you tell a therapist that you have violent thoughts but that you do NOT plan to act on them, any therapist who is competent would not lock you up. And would never throw away the key.
And most therapists are competent. I suggest you see a Clinical Psychologist or psychoanalyst, both are highly trained and intelligent professionals.

[_Hope_]

how do i find one?

[Fuzzybear]

If you have a doctor you trust enough to ask a referral you could ask her/him.

You don't have to go into any specifics with the doctor, if they are any good they will respect your privacy.

[Fuzzybear]

Otherwise, research on the internet or ask friends locally. Maybe others will have more suggestions. Thinking of you and wishing you good luck, and keep posting!

(try searching "psychoanalysis" and Clinical Psychologist" as a starting point.)

PM me if you feel comfortable. I could maybe give you a bit more info (if not, no problem)