[lalalost]

I have always considered myself to fit society terms of 'normal' but I dont think I know who I am exactly. I had your typical broken childhood. Parents split at a young age, dad never came out....he said he would but then never showed up and left me sitting on the front porch all night waiting. As a teenage I fought with my step dad and moved out to live with my real dad. then when he could no longer provide because of his drug use I went to live with my grandma. from there I happy, things were normal and my needs were met. As I got older I slipped from one failing relationship to the next, dealt with an abusive first husband, a incompetent second husband, and a third narcissistic husband to now. You could say I am a sucker for long...or at least someone within me is. I never considered a personality disorder through all this, I just thought they were all mood swings and it was me adapting to my changing situation but now I am not so sure.

You see there are 4 sides to me, each drastically different in pleasures and tastes and personality. When I feel like I am being abused mentally or psychically I shut down and become distant, disengaged, I crave different things, and stop caring about those close to me (as if I don't even know them) when I fall into this 'mood' as I have always considered it, it is hard to come out of. I get sucked it and I can't control it. I speak my mind without caution as to who it can hurt. I voice my needs without thought to others around me. And a I care only about myself.
Then when I am feeling like things are going my way, which I call my happy 'mood' I am bright and vibrant and my personality is inviting. I want to greet everyone I meet and hear their story. I take time to stop and smell the roses. I look for love and fall hard when I feel it. I am a great friend and become who I feel like I really am and always want to be....when I die this is how I want people to remember me.
Then there is 'mood' that comes one when anger takes a hold on me and if there was betrayal...like an affair in one of my marriages...I cant let go. I become someone dark. My thoughts are dark, my personality is dark, my feelings are detached. My tastes are bland. My taste in music and books changes and my favorites are not interesting.
It is so odd.
There is the what I call the 'inbetween' It is only like am just existing, but outside of myself. Like I am watching my life play like a movie where I see it all happening but I do not feel a thing. I am not hungry or thirsty often, I have no emotional or psychical needs that need to be met..

Again I have always considered these mood swings, but the odd thing that makes me think it could be something else is that when one appears (always due to something in my life causing the need for a swing) it stays for months and even trying to change it or be happy when I am angry is impossible, its like trying to dig a whole while the person next to you is filling your hole with dirt....I am not even sure what any of this means.

[Skeezyks]

Hello lalalost: Thanks for sharing your concerns. I'm sorry I cannot tell you who you are. From my perspective, in order to really figure this out I think working, over a period of time, with a skilled mental health therapist is probably the way to go. However, perhaps some other members, here on PC, may recognize themselves in what you wrote & will be able to share some experiences & insights.

This appears to be your first posted thread here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit. May I suggest you introduce yourself over on PC's New Member Introductions forum? Here's a link:

https://forums.psychcentral.com/new-...introductions/

There's a lot of support that can be available here on PC. The more you post, & reply to other members' posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are the chat rooms where you'll be able to interact with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) So please keep posting!

[here today]

Hi lalalost,

What were you looking for when you posted your message?

I can identify some with your post, especially the distinct "sides". I was finally diagnosed with DDNOS and PDNOS almost 8 years ago, and the resulting trauma therapy helped, but only so much. I know more or less who I am now -- I'm more aware of the dissociated emotions and "parts" from the trauma years ago -- but it's sort of "so what"? Still, if I hadn't "found" my lost emotions and "parts" I would still probably be searching, so. . .

If your life is working for you now, there is nothing "wrong" with having 4 distinct sides. But I can understand the wish, and the drive, to find out who you are -- in totality. The only problem is, from my experience, it can be like opening a can of worms, and I became very dysfunctional for a long while, and couldn't tell when the therapist wasn't really helping anymore and instead was making things worse.

Good luck, and if there is anything else you think I might be able to help with -- just know that I am not a professional -- let me know.