I'm ashamed to admit this......

I don't know if I'm aware when it's happening. It's only on reflection--wondering why I feel so crummy. I finally got enough of the right therapy that I began to believe what the therapists were saying. My mother was wrong. She couldn't see the real me. For her to feel safe in her crazy world view, she had to see me as a certain way. To not do that would have made her have to rethink everything she thought was real.

I also found out that I had surrounded myself with people who reinforced my negative feelings about myself.

Like you, I was distressed by my actions. In a way, you take over the job of punishing yourself. If you can learn to give yourself grace--forgiveness for not being perfect--I think you'll be able to change your thoughts.