[Locust]

I swear, I think my cousin has it. I mean, I'm almost POSITIVE she has it. If she doesn't, she has the symptoms out the wazoo. Also, I think her mother (also my cousin, since we're kin through her mom) and my aunt also have it, but I'm the most convinced that she has it. I mean, I'm pretty hardcore convinced that she has it. She might not have the worst case, but wow, is she symptomatic. Sometimes I think my ex might have had it, but I'm unsure. He believed he had PTSD and Bipolar, and I agreed with him. However, I kind of think he might have BPD. If he does have that, he might not be bipolar, at all, since sometimes the two get mixed up. Anyway, I also think I might have it. Now, I know I'm saying this about a lot of people, but you have to realize, 4 of us are family and it is more common to be dx with it if you have a family member with it, so if 4 of us in the same family had it, it might not be so odd.

Anyway, the thing is, I know many people have much worse cases of it than I do, so IF I have BPD, then it is a mild case, I guess. It isn't an extreme case. I am not sure if I just have a lot of symptoms of it or if I have the disorder. I have 8 out of 9 of the DSM-IV criteria as well as some signs that are mentioned as being common for people with BPD, but aren't part of the 9 main criteria. Also, the one criteria that I don't have- identity disturbance- I say I don't have because I have pretty solid values, goals, etc. HOWEVER, if it counts as identity disturbance to sometimes cry and not know if you're actually sad (depersonalized a bit occasionally), to think you are a monster at times and on VERY RARE occasions to feel like all is forgiven and you're okay, etc. (can name a couple other things) then I do have identity disturbance. However, I have pretty steady- albeit eclectic- interests, beliefs, and goals. I am open minded, but opinionated- or so I like to think.

Anyway, I think I have the other 8 in varying degrees. Some of my worst are anger issues and abandonment fears I think my therapists have suspected it, but have said nothing directly. One therapist asked me REPEATEDLY if I had been abused and I always said, "no." Finally he said, "I find that hard to believe." At the time, I didn't understand why, but now I think it might be because people with BPD have often been abused and at one time, they thought they had all been abused, though we know now that some people who have BPD have not been abused, while others have. Anyway, another therapist told me once, in reference to something I'd said (about my feelings, thoughts, or actions), "It's like, 'I Hate You, Don''t Leave Me'," which I knew was the name of a book about BPD, but he never said it was a book about BPD and prob. thought I didn't know. He has also told me on another occasion that he thought I had love-hate with a lot of people/things. Then, recently he said he thought I had a lot of abandonment hurt. Sometimes I wonder if he thinks I have BPD, but he's never said anything directly. He dislikes labels and I don't want it in my record, but sometimes I really want to ask, do I have this?

I feel as though I don't have a right to claim it because my symptoms aren't as extreme, and I'm afraid to be labeled with it because people will judge me and everything I do through the BPD lens, but at the same time it makes sense of things I never understood or had a reason/diagnosis for before, and I want that confirmation, that YES, this is it.

I'm too nervous to ask him about it. I'm afraid he'll say yes, I'm afraid he'll say no.

[Doh2007]

I don't know if having an official diagnosis helped me. More helpful was getting therapy and later, finding a psychiatrist to get the right meds. Many meds crossover, so an official name isn't necessary. And many professionals are very hesitant to label people, especially if you're younger.

I hope this helps. I'm glad you're being proactive.

[Locust]

Hey Doh,

Thanks for the response. In a way, I guess you're right. It is more important to treat symptoms and improve them, than it is to name them.

I think the reason I want an official diagnosis, is because BPD has made more sense of things than anything else has, but at the same time, while part of me relates to it a lot and feels that it makes sense of things no one has ever made sense of before, I feel I do not have the symptoms intensely enough to claim the disorder. I feel like a fake because my symptoms are not intense. Yet, at the same time, I have most of the criteria, and I have some of the symptoms to the point that they have caused significant problems in my relationships and my life. Until I found out about BPD, I didn't understand some of these issues and the therapists didn't even adress some of them, even when they were some of my main complaints. BPD helped things make more sense. It offered me some connection to others with the same issues and it gave me a reason. I felt like maybe I wasn't just whiny or mean, but I actually had a reason for what I was feeling and doing beyond being a cruel person or a soul-less thing, etc. Yet, I can't accept it is the answer until someone with more knowledge of the issue confirms that it IS the answer, after all. I feel like, if I don't have it, things will make less sense somehow.

And yes, my T is definitely hesitant to label. I don't think he does it much at all. However, I think he's noted the symptoms because he is the one whose brought up the BPD book title and told me I had a lot of abandonment hurt.

I'm not on meds though they've been recommended. I'm afraid of the side effects.

[Rapunzel]

I know what you mean, Locust. My T doesn't like labels either and when I try to tell her that I have BPD, that doesn't go over well. But it makes sense of everything. I guess it really doesn't matter so much what you call it, as long as the treatment you get (meds or no meds) is helpful. And sometimes it does feel better to have something that helps you understand that there is a reason for why you feel and act the way that you do. Just make sure that you look at the reasons why as a way to understand yourself, but not to excuse yourself from needing to change and find ways that work better for you now.