[IxCantxBreath]

this was a journal entry from a vacation i went on. i was going to put it up as soon as possible, but i never had time, so im going to now.
4-24-08
"Everything just seems to be going wrong. Everything I do is critisized. I've had the most horrible last few weeks than I have in my whole life. My paretns don't think they can trust me anymore. My friends seem to be getting into more fights with each other.

I can't shake this empty and depressed feeling inside me. I can't even describe in words how it feels, but i can say it is jsut simply aweful. I've only felt this bad once before about a year ago, but it didn't last this long. It seems evertime I start feeling a little better, my stomach starts to churn and that same, horrible feeling comes back to me.

I just feel the need to die. I want to go to sleep and wake up somewhere else, somewhere better. Maybe not even at all. I dread speaking to my parents because I am constantly thinking they have something planned for me. (and not in a good way) I just want them to let me live my life, accept me for who I am and not pry into my life so much. They say they're just being good parents, but sometimes I just need my space. I can't take it sometimes.

My cousin, my brother, and even my paretns sometimes, critisize me about every little thing. (Especially my appearance.) It seems like I can't do anything right. They should understand that I can't be the perfect kid they expect me to be. They need to understand that I don't want to be like everyone else. They neeed to understand that I keep secrets from them for a reason and they should just keep their nose out of my business. I keep things from them BECAUSE of their reaction. I guess because of the ammout of things I hide and how many times I've lied, you could call me a big liar. Maybe even pathological liar.

I just want to get away and forget EVERYTHING. I've contemplated suicide, but I know that it would most likely arouse suicidal behavior in a few of my friends, especially my already suicidal one. (plus I have no guts) And Partly because I'm afraid I'd wake up somewhere I don't want to be. I don't want help, as much as I think (need) it. I just want people to let me be me.

I also find myself becoming strongly attatched to people. Like my best friend for instance. I get jealous when I find her talking and cutting up with someone else. I don't know why. I also become attatched to people I don't really know. People I meet on the internet. I feel in love with a guy over the internet even though I know he is unavailable. I fall in love quite frequently, and it hurts me even more when I know I can't be with them.

I've had probably the most horrible past few weeks than I have in my life.I've cried more now than I have in my whole life. And I am one that doesn't cry often. I hardly show my emotions. I've held back more tears than I can count.
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This isn't even the worst I felt. I still feel this way. If anyone has something to say, please do, and I understand if you don't. but is this normal? I need answers. I am so confused right now.

Peace people./

[Perna]

I think some of it is normal. It's very hard being the age you are at now (very hard being any age :-) because you don't have complete freedom and control, you don't have the ways and means to try things out for yourself and effect changes in your life and not as much stimulation (jobs, new people, going new places, etc.) as would be good. Pretty much stuck at home in a rut that feeds on itself. Meanwhile, all your hormones and stuff are moving in all directions changing you too.

Parents are a tough one. Later you might wish you'd done this time differently in relation to them, will wish you'd been a bit closer or tried a bit harder to talk to them, etc. They are just trying to be good parents, they're just older people like yourself, in many ways you are "like" them (as you'll discover when it's probably too late/you're older) and will understand where they are coming from later. You know how when a kid is really young and gets told "you'll understand when you're older"? it keeps being that way until you're around 50 (at least, was for me) when you start really understanding even what that phrase means!

One thing that might comfort you is to remember how you felt when you were little and then looking back at that time. You wonder at the change (have you gone back and seen an elementary school classroom lately?) but it gets even more pronounced when you're 25 or 35 or 45, etc. There is a future up ahead and you will be "okay".

You might want to remember that everything you do now counts. It may seem worthless or of no importance but habits are being formed and get hard to unform. You won't have the same situation later and the lies now will be detrimental to you later and make you work harder and maybe close some doors, etc. Practice telling the truth now and trying to be open now (to heck with their reaction, just smile and shrug if what you're doing meets with your own approval) so it isn't so difficult later. Look at us older people and the troubles we have now (and that your parents have) and wonder about them. You really have a nice situation, have computers/the Internet to see other people of different ages, etc. Become an observer.

I had a crush on my female teachers and camp counselors, etc. It's more transference because of our parents I think; we aren't taking advantage of them (or they aren't able to connect very well with us) and we need that feeling/support/experience from somewhere so we look for it wherever we can find it. Go talk to your mom about her experiences growing up? I wish I'd done more of that and had done my homework in the living room or wherever she was while she was working there on her projects, just been "friendlier".

[nightbird]

(((IxCANTxBREATH)))

I just want to know I read your post and care about your feelings.

I feel Perna has written a good reply.

I remember being your age and feeling sort of 'frozen' emotionally.
You are in touch with your feelings, which is better, for sure.

About the friend confusion, that might stem from feeling possessive.
That is natural. Further down the road, your circle of friends will widen, and that need for an exclusive friendship will lessen because you will have access to many more people who you will enjoy lots of different things in common.

Your exclusive relationships in the future will probably be your major one(s), possibly your spouse, and children. Here, possessiveness will appear again, but in a more protective, cherished, loyal and loving way.

See, you have much to look forward to - lots of things to experience yet - and every bit of it that will be wonderful, will be worth what you go through now to become what you need to be to have and hold everything that awaits you.

Do you know what I am trying to say?

peace and love,
nightbird