[shezbut]

I have a problem with extreme views and mannerisms affecting many areas of my life. I either fully accept someone, or not at all. There is no in between. No middle of the road.

I've noticed a tendency that I've always had, and am curious if this is a symptom of BPD, or if all types of people have this problem. I become very attached to a very small group of people. I avoid sharing much of my true thoughts and feelings with them, as I fear losing them. So, I hold it inside.

There are a couple of doctors that I see regularly - one psychiatric & one neurological - in which I have a strong attachment to. As a result, I often feel turmoil when a visit with one is coming up. I want them to like me, and think that I'm a good person. I know, it's stupid - they're doctors! But, I cannot get those thoughts and fears out of me. I've felt this way towards other professionals and a couple of mentors in the past, and often fought paranoia that I was going to lose them. Then, I just let go of them suddenly and kept going - never really looking back.

I see the psychiatrist every month and the epileptologist (neuro specialist) every few months. I always struggle with constant questions of whether I should or shouldn't contact doctors - for illnesses, seizures, emotional breakdowns, etc. The effect of my paranoia can be rather significant. I end up making poor decisions (not going or calling when I should).

Does this make any sense?? Sorry about the ramble. It's a tendency of mine, sorry.
Shez

[Michah]

Ah yes.......have you been Dx BPD? This black and white thinking is one of the cornerstones of the disorder. Only therapy worked for me.....it is not something you can just "get over".

An example that sticks out for me is seeing my psychologist......sometimes I would have to be escorted to a session by one of my favorite burly nurses with a hypodermic at the ready.......I was very violent for many years. She would start the session and probably say something i didn't want to talk about and I would start swearing. Then I would crack it, to avoid being jabbed by my burly nurse I would call them all a bunch of w@#$ers and storm out......screaming at all the other patients. My T would poke her head out the door and yell out "see you next week!!" Ha! The patience of a saint.

She treated me for 7 years, week to week. She saved my life. But after my violent outbursts, I would ring her to see if she would still treat me. I was testing her......her allegiance to me, trust.

I hate you, don't leave me? Read this Book......explains a lot.

Good luck, it does get easier and you will have fulfilling, equal relationships. I also learn't not to care much what other people think......

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by Michah

Ah yes.......have you been Dx BPD? This black and white thinking is one of the cornerstones of the disorder. Only therapy worked for me.....it is not something you can just "get over".

An example that sticks out for me is seeing my psychologist......sometimes I would have to be escorted to a session by one of my favorite burly nurses with a hypodermic at the ready.......I was very violent for many years. She would start the session and probably say something i didn't want to talk about and I would start swearing. Then I would crack it, to avoid being jabbed by my burly nurse I would call them all a bunch of w@#$ers and storm out......screaming at all the other patients. My T would poke her head out the door and yell out "see you next week!!" Ha! The patience of a saint.

She treated me for 7 years, week to week. She saved my life. But after my violent outbursts, I would ring her to see if she would still treat me. I was testing her......her allegiance to me, trust.

I hate you, don't leave me? Read this Book......explains a lot.

Good luck, it does get easier and you will have fulfilling, equal relationships. I also learn't not to care much what other people think......

Thank you for responding, Micah

I've taken lots of psychiatric tests - personality tests revealed strong borderline characteristics. I was not diagnosed with it, though the hospital did show me a video about the disorder and I completely related with the girl in it!

I'll check out the book - thanks for sharing!

Shez